Off We Go Into the Wild Blue Yonder: Hard-working scienticians at the Cold-Air Institute prepare Intrepid IV, their newest cold air balloon.

Though hot air has existed for millions of years it was not harnessed by man until the year 1783 when the Montgolfier brothers first sent aloft a rooster, a bag of corn and a wolf. The first hot air balloon proved a success, but unfortunately the rooster ate the corn and then the rooster was eaten by the wolf which was in turn ingested by the hot air balloon.

Hot air ballooning is more popular than ever, captivating the imaginations of dozens of American citizens. There are more than three hot air ballooning clubs in the United States. There is even an email newsletter related to hot air ballooning sent out every two weeks to nearly 47 subscribers. The US Hot Air Balloon Survey Corps estimates that there are twenty five to thirty hot air balloons in the United States alone. One is even equipped with a capsule and turning vents.

Yet with all the grand developments in ballooning over the past fifty years, there has never been one single cold-air balloon. No one had ever seriously attempted such a feat, and most who did were openly scoffed at by the balloon-loving public. That changed forever last month when scientists at the prestigious, AsterStar-owned Cold-Air Institute developed the world’s first cold-air balloon. An amazing invention, the cold-air balloon can attain an altitude of zero to two feet.

Launched from greater heights, the cold-air balloon can even attain negative altitude through the judicious use of a cooling system powered primarily by expired fire extinguishers. As it does not involve combustible gasses and its undercarriage is heavily armored, the cold-air balloon is much safer to operate than its hot air cousin.

When asked what he thought of the cold- air balloon, hot air balloon enthusiast R. Ernie Lee refused to return our calls. The Justice Department is already involved in the hot air versus cold-air balloonery debate. Only last week, violence exploded when fans of hot air balloons encountered a group of homebrew cold-air balloonists preparing to cast off in a field outside of Wilmington, DE. While the cold- air practitioners were safely ensconced in their reinforced gondolas, the hot air mavens received several superficial injuries and a pair of broken bones in their attempt to destroy the chilling vehicles of flight.

The dispute has even spread to the nation’s youth, with playground scuffles occurring on an almost daily basis. Parents are increasingly worried, but none of that seems to bother young, steely-eyed Bobby Shaw, age 8.

“No ma’am, it sure don’t take much to bring down a balloon…”