Cars
Reply
Tag Archives: Jeremy Rosen
Volume 456-BR8: Issue 06 Gregor 2007
Axes & Alleys: Featuring Inaccurate Mathematics!
By executive order of President Armstrong, Twilight Savings Time has been changed. This year it comes early and lasts longer, and will do so from now on. We suggest you throw a Twilight Savings Time Changeover Celebration Party on Gregor 32nd. Invite your friends and serve time-themed foods like guacamole, salted herring, or borscht. On the Jupiday immediately preceding the Marsday of the switchover bring a blunt object to work. Anything like a whiffle bat, a rock, or a rolling pin will do. This is because everyone’s workplace has that incredibly annoying person who goes around reminding everyone to “Leap Forward!” They’re all cheery and cracking jokes about losing an hour of sleep. Yeah, that’s really funny. If you forget to bring your blunt object, remember, you can just roll up this magazine and slap ‘em in the nose. That’ll show ‘em.
xoxo
Delores R. Grunion
The Gregor Cover Girl: Selma Blair
Selma Blair was born in the wonderful city of Southfield,
Michigan and later attended Kalamazoo College.
Gregor Issue Premier
This month, we’re proud to release what is probably our best Gregor 2007 issue ever. Featuring both words and photographic images, we’re proud to share this twenty-eight page cornucopia of wonder with all the people of the world.
Download the newest issue of Axes & Alleys today and feel free to ogle all of our previous issues in the archive.
Fifty Ways to Annoy D. Alan Stahl
- Secretly replace his wife Sheila with Asimo.
- D. Alan Stahl loves mustard. Steal his mustard.
- Make fun of his career as an Erection Consultant.
- Use chalk to draw miniature Nazca lines on his floor.
- Call him at home and insist that your coupon for a fried chicken sandwich be honored.
- Sell his children, Rachel and Peter, to Gypsies.
- Offer to play the Civil War board game The War in Virginia with him. Then, just after the third round, complain about the game dynamics and say you’d rather play Battleship.
- Build non-working miniature steam engines and tell him to fix them.
- Break his son’s balsa wood glider.
- Decorate his yard with campaign signs for non-existent candidates.
- Rearrange all the books in his library. Organize them by number of items in the index.
- Make him a nice cup of coffee, but with heavy water instead of regular water.
- Remove one prong from all his forks.
- For his birthday, give him sub-standard mustache wax imported from Laos.
- Log onto Call of Duty, find his character “Zeke Anderson” and administer a field court marshal under the 41st Article of War.
- Place a single kernel of corn inside each of his ice cubes.
- Pour liquid nitrogen over his glasses, so that when he tries to put them on they just shatter.
- Replace the prescription lenses in his spectacles with ordinary glass. Then tell him about a new, horrible airborne virus that causes vision problems.
- Put those self-relighting candles on his birthday cake.
- Repeat everything he says.
- Throw rocks at his house.
- When you talk to him, speak every other sentence in Vietnamese.
- Using Photoshop®, create labels for his homemade beer. Call it “Stupidweiser.”
- Sneak into his glove box and improperly fold all his maps.
- Call him late at night and thank him for telephoning the Big Apple.
- Pretend to press on various parts of the dashboard of his restored VW bug.
- When he brings you home as a respectable person to date his daughter, pretend to be gay.
- Call him a Nazi. When he denies this, point out the Nazi memorabilia on his shelving.
- Tell him he’s a poor dog owner. Point out all the dogs Peter went through.
- Rearrange his backyard workshop. For extra annoyance, put a few realistic sex toys on his tool wall.
- Put some lye on a patch of his lawn in order to make it yellow.
- Refuse to tell him his kids are smoking, even for $20.
- Repaint his breakfast nook with African imagery.
- Act unimpressed when his neighbour shows you his bomb shelter.
- Tell him his polystyrene foam plane with built-in motors and batteries is “okay.”
- Put a faux burned skeleton at the site of his next consultation.
- Talk to him about electrical engineering, but mix up amps and ohms.
- Put fake blood on his WWII memorabilia, then tell him it’s now more valuable.
- Mix some cinnamon in with his homemade beer before he brews it.
- Call him Davey.
- When he starts getting irritated, switch to calling him Davey in the voice of Goliath from Davey and Goliath.
- Tell him he reminds you of gay pornography star Moishe Lembelbach.
- Talk to him in fake German.
- While it’s an easier way to annoy his daughter, regale him with stories from Rachel’s teenage years.
- Hold an anti-pollution protest in front of his house.
- Paint one of the white pickets in his fence red.
- Prance around the house in his wife’s beauty pageant crown and her bathrobe.
- Tell him that someone with his qualifications would have no trouble finding a top-flight job in either the food service or housekeeping industries.
- Leave a line of shopping carts with lawn gnomes in his yard.
- In your message in his daughter’s yearbook, call him a weirdo.
The “Do You Like Rum?” Quiz
1. When eating a sandwich, your toppings include:
a. lettuce, mayo and pumpkin paste.
b. cabbage and pickled marmot meat.
c. ranch dressing and a pancake.
d. smashed grasshoppers and olives.
2. If you could have any mustache, you would have:
a. Hitler’s Charlie Chaplin style.
b. Teddy Roosevelt’s soup strainer.
c. Ned Flanders’ nose neighbor.
d. Charlie Chaplin’s Hitler style.
3. When you finally tell your crush you like him, you:
a. Write a note and discretely pass it to him in English class.
b. Call him with your friends at the slumber party.
c. Ask him to the Sadie Hawkin’s dance.
d. Slip the roofie into your own drink and then see what happens.
4. Your style is:
a. Slim, sexy and dark.
b. Free, earthy.
c. Thrift shop chic.
d. Bulgarian, by way of China.
5. While riding the public transportation system, you:
a: Tend to mutter to yourself about killing McKinley.
b: Stuff squirrels down your pants.
c: Lick strangers.
d: Read quietly while secretly fantasizing about Mikhail Gorbechev. You know, the one where you’re strolling down the Left Bank and you bump into him and begin discussing the possibilities of manned space flight. Then, just as the sun sets, you share a kiss…
6. Given a pair of loafers and a hydroponics kit, you:
a: Grow environmentally sustainable pedial implements.
b: Reenact the battle for Algiers.
c: Travel South America consecrating religious relics.
d: Be a tap-dancing Jesus for All Hallows Eve.
7. Your favorite thing to do in Rome is:
a: Kiss Monica Bellucci’s nipples for hours on end.
b: Kiss Monica Bellucci’s thighs for hours on end.
c: Kiss Monica Bellucci’s luscious lips for hours on end.
d: Walk around with a bundle of sticks and make the trains run on time.
8. The best weapon to strap to your leg is:
a: A dagger.
b: Lemons.
c: Sardine sandwiches.
d: The U.S.S. Iowa.
9. What do you do when confronted with ear mites?
a: Pour gasoline in your ear and light it on fire.
b: Use nose hair trimmers with fishing line as a primitive mite whacker.
c: Pour leeches in there.
d: Make an appointment with an ear, nose and throat doctor.
10. Leaves:
a: Are a gift from God.
b: Interminably cover your lawn in Autumn.
c: Make awesome sounds when you shove them down someone’s throat.
d: Talk to you about your family.
Give yourself 10 points for every A, 15 points for every B, 13 points for every C and subtract 8 points for every D.
Answers: Continue reading