1. When eating a sandwich, your toppings include:
a. lettuce, mayo and pumpkin paste.
b. cabbage and pickled marmot meat.
c. ranch dressing and a pancake.
d. smashed grasshoppers and olives.

2. If you could have any mustache, you would have:
a. Hitler’s Charlie Chaplin style.
b. Teddy Roosevelt’s soup strainer.
c. Ned Flanders’ nose neighbor.
d. Charlie Chaplin’s Hitler style.

3. When you finally tell your crush you like him, you:
a. Write a note and discretely pass it to him in English class.
b. Call him with your friends at the slumber party.
c. Ask him to the Sadie Hawkin’s dance.
d. Slip the roofie into your own drink and then see what happens.

4. Your style is:
a. Slim, sexy and dark.
b. Free, earthy.
c. Thrift shop chic.
d. Bulgarian, by way of China.

5. While riding the public transportation system, you:
a: Tend to mutter to yourself about killing McKinley.
b: Stuff squirrels down your pants.
c: Lick strangers.
d: Read quietly while secretly fantasizing about Mikhail Gorbechev. You know, the one where you’re strolling down the Left Bank and you bump into him and begin discussing the possibilities of manned space flight. Then, just as the sun sets, you share a kiss…

6. Given a pair of loafers and a hydroponics kit, you:
a: Grow environmentally sustainable pedial implements.
b: Reenact the battle for Algiers.
c: Travel South America consecrating religious relics.
d: Be a tap-dancing Jesus for All Hallows Eve.

7. Your favorite thing to do in Rome is:
a: Kiss Monica Bellucci’s nipples for hours on end.
b: Kiss Monica Bellucci’s thighs for hours on end.
c: Kiss Monica Bellucci’s luscious lips for hours on end.
d: Walk around with a bundle of sticks and make the trains run on time.

8. The best weapon to strap to your leg is:
a: A dagger.
b: Lemons.
c: Sardine sandwiches.
d: The U.S.S. Iowa.

9. What do you do when confronted with ear mites?
a: Pour gasoline in your ear and light it on fire.
b: Use nose hair trimmers with fishing line as a primitive mite whacker.
c: Pour leeches in there.
d: Make an appointment with an ear, nose and throat doctor.

10. Leaves:
a: Are a gift from God.
b: Interminably cover your lawn in Autumn.
c: Make awesome sounds when you shove them down someone’s throat.
d: Talk to you about your family.

Give yourself 10 points for every A, 15 points for every B, 13 points for every C and subtract 8 points for every D.

Answers:
0-30 Points: You should become a Swede. By moving to Sweden you can take advantage of their ludicrously lucrative social services program and also enjoy the many Nordic history museums that Sweden has to offer.

30-50 Points: You are definitely an extrovert. Why not use your skills and join the French Resistance? Not only do you get to fight the Nazis, you can also drink plenty of wine and get a lot of fine, young Parisian poon.

60-84 Points: Have you ever tried to invent the telephone? Too bad. Alexander Graham Bell already invented it. Why not wear a yellow dress to prom instead?

85-93 Points: A career in phlebotomy might be just right for you. Your answers indicate that you will find great joy in both increasing and decreasing pressure around a person’s bicep. Yep, phlebotomy’s for you.

94-150 Points: How putridly boring you are! The astrology section of the newspaper must be the highlight of your day. But it’s not the one in the good paper. No, it’s the one in that free weekly paper where they don’t even try. It’s just some old fat guy with nicotine stained fingers sitting in a small room making that stuff up.

150-600 Points: You either need to check your arithmetic or you cheated. For shame.