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Dave Vendel’s Gardening Reminders

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Helpful Hints for the Amateur Domicile-Adjacent-Area Horticulturalist

Dave Vendel
Dave Vendel is a Soil and Granule Science expert and member of the Department of the Interior’s Super Soil Action Awareness Team.

Howdy Guys, guess what? It’s spring again and you know what that means. It’s time to dig out that hoe and get those clods a turning. That’s right, it’s time again for all of us gardeners to wage our little wars against nature. So, this month, I’ll be offering some useful information for dealing with those pesky spring gardening problems.

Log Jam
Many small lawns throughout the region occasionally suffer from an affliction termed “log jam.” This unsightly mass of logging castoffs makes many a block party difficult, if not impossible. Log jam makes lawns difficult to traverse, interact upon and mow. Be wary of the snakeoil merchants plying chemical-based solutions to this dilemma. There are no legal controls of such a nature. One may reduce the severity and frequency of the condition by posting armed sentries to control illegal lumber dumps.

Concrete Pest
Check your new concrete walkways for attacks by the orange blood fly. These large flies resemble small flies and will begin laying eggs in your concrete minutes after pouring. An unchecked infestation can result in a pockmarked or wholly non-functional walkway. After the eggs hatch, the giant larvae tunnel out of the con-crete, leaving their molted, gooey exoskeletons on undamaged portions of your lawn walkway. The best solution is to remain vigilant in your yard between March 17 and April 30. Keep a bat handy.

Read the Label
Read the labels of artificial lawn generation products carefully and thoroughly before purchase. Many companies make wild claims about nanotechnology, genetically-engineered “mini-gardeners” or other such artificial methods of lawn creation. Buyer beware! Most such methods do not work, contrary to your intuition.

Hand-Pick Bugs
Look, bugs have been around for so much longer than humanity that you’re just not going to get rid of them, no matter what kind of chemical or pseudo-organic methods you use. The best bet is to hand-pick the type of bug of which you wish to have an infestation. You’ll be better off knowing that you made the choice best for you and the bugs will have a healthy sense of self-worth.

Spring Cleanup for Yards and Gardens
Contrary to the “advice” offered in Poor Richard’s “Almanac,” the home yard or garden is not the best place to dis-pose of deceased relatives, friends or strangers. Corpses can make lawns bumpy and invite pests in gardens. Remember: no corpse, healthy gorse!

Tip o' the Day

Our Guide to Accomplishment

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How to Accomplish Noteworthy Things

Cancer
HOW TO CURE CANCER

  1. research
  2. confirm findings
  3. administer treatment to patients

Conquest
HOW TO CONQUER THE WORLD

  1. build up a massive military force
  2. properly supply said force
  3. Attack!
  4. accept terms of surrender

Galaxy
HOW TO COLONIZE THE GALAXY

  1. research various fields involved
  2. apply research to mission sent out
  3. accomplish mission
  4. repeat as necessary

Happy Life
HOW TO LEAD A FULL, HAPPY LIFE

  1. discover meaning of life
  2. abide thereby

How to Create Your Own Nineteenth Century Name

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To create a more dignified and gentlemanly name for yourself, simply pick one name from each of the columns below. Then, using your selections, go to your local Department of Motor Vehicles and get a new Driver’s? License bearing that name. Then enjoy life more fully. It really is just that simple. Continue reading →

Entertainments for Children and the Mentally Infirm

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Hey kids, don’t be bored this summer! Axes & Alleys has tons of fun stuff for you to do!

Currently the twenty-three and one half degree axial tilt of the planet Earth has produced a situation wherein our Northern Hemisphere is tilted toward the Sun. This is known as “Summer.” During this period children are free from the drudgeries of scholastic endeavor, harvesting and sweat-shop factory work. This can produce idleness, which poisons young minds. Thus, we present here an inventory of wholesome activities to ensure that children remain active and free from the temptations of Satan and his countless demonic minions.

Visit a local Petting Zoo. There you can see neat animals like sheep and goats. You can then inquire about employment opportunities. They may have an opening and you can spend your summer with animals, shoveling their waste.

Find a stray dog and adopt it. Give it a funny name and teach it some tricks. Then, using a wood chopping axe, slaughter the dog, skin and gut it. Then cook and eat it. You get a fine meal and get to learn new things about other cultures, such as what real Chinese food tastes like.

Get together a few friends and form a club. A fun type of club is the Detective Club. You get to have a clubhouse, hold cool meetings and spy on your parents and neighbors. Be sure to report any suspicious activity to the police.

Or, you could spend a rainy afternoon at the local library and formulate a working Unified Field Theory.

The fun never stops with Axes & Alleys!

This Month’s Recipe

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Mmm…Everyone loves a hot stack of pancakes, but did you know that you can make pancakes any time you want? How delicious.

Basically, pancakes are composed of base-proteins (large molecules composed of one or more chains of amino acids), lipids (long chains of poly-bonded hydrogen, carbon, and oxygen) and carbohydrates (a compound or molecule that is composed of carbon, oxygen and hydrogen in the ratio of 2H:1C:1O).

Using any basic matter as a starting material, you can begin making your pancakes. First, separate the molecular constituents of your starter matter using any advanced particle accelerator. With collisions, you should be able to separate the matter into its component atoms. Be sure to channel the atoms you need to a Penning trap or a Ioffe-Pritchard trap, depending on what’s available.

Next, use a magnetic field generator (class VI or higher) to carefully arrange the separated atoms into the desired molecules, taking care to note the appropriate use of chemical, covalent and hydrogen bonds.

With a supercomputer, such as the Cray, you can create a molecular mapping program to help you properly understand the exact way to create particularly complicated molecules such as the polysaturated lipid chains as well as complex sugars such as fructose. Try not to let that pesky Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle get in your way.

Once you have created the molecules you will need, consult or create genome maps for bovines, poultry fowls and wheat. These genome maps will allow you to form the molecules into proper cellular structures using an electron microscope and electrically charged probes. Then, simply create the pancakes by pushing the molecules along a magnetic plate with your handy probe.

Be sure to heat your pancakes before eating and don’t forget the syrup. Yummy!