Tag Archives: how to

Simple Concepts Made Known

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Our Guide to Understanding Things Everyone Should Already Know

Fire is when burning happens.

You can find alcohol in bars.

Video games are so called because they involve looking.

North, south, east and west are four directions.

Although “chip” and “ship” may sound alike, these words describe widely different concepts.

Signs indicate things.

Lettuce is really just leaves. Really.

Mountains are tall. Valleys are tall the other way.

Candles are not cans with handles.

Ink is the means by which a man may turn a collection of papers into literature.

Just as Sir Edmund Hillary has stated, Mount Everest is there.

Red is one of the colors.

Wake Island is surrounded entirely by water. Except on top.

Homework may be completed almost anywhere.

Mirrors should be made with a reflective surface.

A car’s horn serves a different function than that of a rhinoceros.

Shirts come in a variety of styles.

Flying Men

Our Special Guide to Surviving Adversity

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Camping, hiking and exploration are fun and exciting diversions. But it’s best to be safe when you’re out in the great untamed wilderness. So, we now present a guide for survival. Keep this on your person if you venture from the enveloping warmth of your home and you’ll always be safe, secure and alive, even in the worst situations. Have fun out there in the wild with all those trees and squirrels and junk.

If you have a magnet, a piece of cork and a needle, all you need to do is make thread from a nearby plant, so you can sew the magnet to the piece of cork.

It’s easy to get despaired when you’re lost. A good way to pick yourself up is to use the skulls from animals you kill to perform cheery puppet shows.

If you’re ever lost in the Alps during a bitterly cold winter, make sure you have a number of different items that will interest future archaeologists. Make sure to include items of a cultural nature.

Getting lost in Antarctica can be hard sometimes. Don’t waste time trying to find a polar bear you can disembowel to shelter in its body cavity. Polar bears only live in the North Pole.

Make sure you learn how to say “Can you help me?” in Chinese. As there are 1.2 billion Chinese, odds are that one out four people you come across will be Chinese.

If you lose your way when traveling through the Mystic Caves of Aar’ushbak, try and find the Talisman of Gindor. If you utter the sacred chants it will cast forth a guiding light and show you the way to safety.

Long hours of tedius boredom can result from being lost in an unfamiliar enviornment while waiting for rescue. For entertainment, try looking at things.

Snowstorms can result in a phenomenon called “White Out” which makes it very difficult to see your surroundings. So don’t forget to bring your glasses or bi-focals.

If you’re lost, there’s an easy way to tell where you are. Look in the sink as the water drains out. Does it go clockwise? You’re in the Northern Hemisphere!

Dehydration is a major problem in the desert. Make sure you drink lots of water. If you can’t find water, remember clouds are made of water!

For thousands of years, sailors have used the stars to navigate. You can too. Look up into the sky. Do you see a comet? Remember, the comet’s tail always points away from the Sun. Also, comets may herald the coming of a new king.

If you ever need to make a fire, try to find a thunderstorm and use the lightning.

If you lose your way in the forest, a tree will tell you which way to go; remember that bark only grows on the outside of trees.

Do you see waves crashing on the shore? You’re probably near an ocean.

An easy way to ensure that you never get lost is to always carry a map with you. The easiest way to do this is to carry around a miniature globe pencil sharpener that you can use as a keychain.

If you find yourself naked in the forest, remember that swans make wonderful dresses.

You can always use the Sun to find out where you are. Do you see the Sun? Good, you’re 93 million miles away from it.

If you’re hungry, there are many edible plants in the forest. The way you can tell if it’s edible is to see whether it fits in your mouth.

If you’re ever lost at sea, remember that salt water is non-potable. Next time try to get lost on a lake.

Interactive Entertainments for the Bored Masses

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Bursting the Bubble of Complacency in Your Own Home-Town

Vulture

Despite your own mental acumen, there will be times throughout your life when you lie prone under the icy, paralyzing grip of that creature we call Boredom. Therefore, as a public service we offer the following alleviations for your condition. Use them well and wisely and remember that Axes & Alleys, it’s creators, its parent and affiliate companies are not responsible for the consequences.

Escaped Mental Patient

Requirements:Two or more people, pajamas, pair of broken handcuffs, one or more lab coats, one or more butterfly type nets.

ActivityGot to a public place with one person dressed in the pajamas and handcuffs. This player is the mental patient. Others, dressed in lab coats will be the doctors. The mental patient runs around while the others try to catch him or her with the butterfly nets. Feel free to taunt each other loudly.

Pirate Attack

Requirements: Wheeled vehicle (car, shopping cart, red wagon), Jolly Rodger flag, pirate costumes and paraphernalia, two or more people.

ActivityPretty simple really, find a good spot, the Mall or Wal-Mart parking lot on a busy Saturday for instance, and ride around pretending to be 17th Century pirates. Say “Argh!” a lot. You can even have two ore more groups of pirates, all fighting over a “treasure” such as a gumball machine. Also, feel free to try and sell bootleg CDs and DVDs.

Visitors from Another World

Requirements: Grayish face paint, sunglasses or goggles, wigs and/or fake mustaches and beards, odd bulky or out of date clothing, and some suitably strange “alien” artifacts.

ActivityGet dressed up as aliens who have very poor human disguises. Choose one person to be the leader, who will speak, perhaps using an alien-earthspeak dictionary, while the rest of you stand in the back and exchange slight whispers of a strange alien language. Ask random people for directions, but don’t just ask about libraries or train stations…try and come up with unearthly things the aliens might want to find. “Where in this area would I find large quantities of hydrogen,” “Who the current human potentate and where might a fellow human locate them,” or “What do you know about frogs?”

Spies

Requirements:Two or more people, spy-like costumes (the more suspicious the better; trench-coats, dark glasses, a fez, an eye patch, you get the idea), spy paraphernalia; brief cases, newspapers with obvious eye-holes cut out, perhaps some microfilm.

ActivityPick a good public place, I personally think that the Main Concourse at Grand Central Terminal is the best. Come up with a couple teams of one or two people each. Perhaps the first team is trying to pass a briefcase around while the other team is trying to steal it away from them. There are many possibilities for double crosses. Make sure you reveal them as loudly and dramatically as possible. Remember, even toy guns could get you arrested, but spies can cleverly conceal a gun in a lipstick case, an umbrella or even their shoe. Outlandish accents can also add an international flair.

Defeat Mars

Earthling Liberation Front

Requirements: One or more people, some cardboard or poster board, clipboard, paper, pen, pamphlets or palm cards, paper cone or megaphone, and any strange military uniforms you can throw together.

ActivityPick a busy street corner. Set up your recruitment station; put up posters bearing slogans railing against Mars (Stop the Red Menace: Destroy Mars, The Only Good Martian is a Dead Martian, Earth First!). Get as creative as you can with your posters and tracts but remember you HATE the Martians. Give angry and hate filled speeches on the evil Martian Empire, the dangerous Flying Saucer Fleet, Martian plans for conquest. Whatever comes to you. Attempt to get passersby to join your Pro-Earth Militia. If people laugh at you, get indignant and respond with “You won’t be laughing when the flying saucers destroy this city!”

Museum Fun

Requirements: Bed sheets, sticks, primitive masks.

ActivityHead down to the local natural history museum and find any sort of large, old statue or idol. Set up in front of it and begin performing an elaborate dance or religious ceremony. Worship the statue, prostrate yourselves before it and be prepared to cite the First Amendment if museum personnel try to kick you out.

Bored Games

Requirements: Board game, two or more people.

ActivitySimply go to a public place, set up a board game, the more complicated the better, on the floor. Have fun playing untill the cops come to throw you out. Enjoy.

A Message From Dave

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How to be America’s First Evil Dictator
by Dave Shmerson

Davaganda
Dave Shmerson is the writer of several informative pamphlets on the subject of knot tying for seamen as well as a mid-level party func-tionary in the People’s Republic of Mongolia and ambassador plenipo-tentiary to the Unified Nations, an alternative to the United Nations.

America is clearly in need of its first evil dictator. While Aaron Burr’s attempt was essentially stillborn and Calvin Coolidge failed completely in showing any sign of antagonistic tyranny, it is still possible for one of you to be at the forefront of fascist autocracy in America.

Here’s how: Found your political party. Complicated? Not at all. Merely register with your state elections board, then grab a bunch of friends or like-minded folks you meet at the bar, Sunday school or singles picnics sponsored by on-line dating sites. Build on this through compulsion. Nothing makes someone want to join your party more than the capture and threatened ruthless murder of close relatives. You may also wish to try poison.

With your base firmly established, you can now go on to forcefully spread the word. Ideally The Party of Evil will have catchy branding and forced ballot access in all 50 states. Target that all-important 18-24 demographic with ads touting The POE. Avoid Edgar Allen references and play on people’s fears. They won’t know what a fright they’re in for after they vote you in.

Say anything to get a vote. It may seem like politicians already do this, but they really don’t. The POE will say absolutely anything to get a vote. When cornered by journalists, threaten the lives of themselves and their families. As you can see, using the relations of those placing themselves as obstacles in your way is an important tactic in furthering your career as an evil dictator. Make sure to keep in practice with unruly grocery store clerks and perfume sprayers at department stores. You will also be spending a lot of time in grocery and department stores, but we’ll get to that later.

Spend most of your campaign money on issue ads directed at destroying the Moon. This is not only classic evil, but will draw attention to The POE and away from the two major parties. Make sure to spend Sunday mornings listing reasons why the Moon will be destroyed. Do not threaten Sunday morning commentators. They are an already prepared arm of evil and should be coddled. Whenever the “opposition” is given an opportunity to speak, interrupt, lambast and bring the conversation back to the topic of the Moon. You’ll win handily every time.

You may be asked about our interactions with international powers. Be aggressive with foreign relations. When asked policy questions, respond that our enemies will be destroyed by our grand, victorious armies. Shake your fist and vow to finish what James K. Polk started.

Criticize historic dictators whenever asked about the policies of the incumbent. Say how soft Stalin was on political opponents. Carry around a pyramid of grapefruit which demonstrates the proper way to stack skulls. Make sure to deride Pol Pot’s method. Compare yourself favourably. Threaten critical opinion writers. Send your “men” around to their houses early in the morning and late at night. They don’t have to do anything they just have to be there, though an occasional menacing glare helps. Send strange packages and have your lackeys call in bomb threats on their homes. It’s not high political manoeuvring, but it sure is fun.

Unified Nations

Falsely identify generals and admirals as military allies. Hint at the words “junta” and “coup.” Force them to defend the ridiculous allegations, bringing you publicity. If you see any sign that their defences are being taken seriously, comment on their fair-weather attitude and lacklustre military prowess. Ask about the last time they fought a successful war.

In the week before the election, state that you’re not sure what party members will do at the polls. Tell reporters that you really have no control over what your partisans will do (you can joke about this back at the POE lounge later). Make voters feel unsafe. Post uniformed party members one foot past the legal bounds for campaign workers near polling places.

On election day, ride through a major city in the tank you bought earlier in the year. Have your face painted on the side of the war machine. Cackle a lot. Once you’ve won, immediately storm the White House and remove the current occupant. You don’t want any lame duck officer creating policy before your ascendance. Force the Chief Justice to swear you in, then have him shot. What you do with the office of President is really up to you, but remember the three keys to being a dictator.

1. Always kill the overconfident underling.
2. Make sure to eat one strange combination of foods.
3. Great uniforms.

Helpful Hints

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From the Brainial Innards of Mr. Dave Bumpkiss

Dave Bumpkiss is an avid tractor maintenance
specialist and author of the one hundred and
twenty-four volume Encyclopædia Tractoria.
He currently resides in his home.

Hello, tractor aficionados. This week we’re going to take a quick trouble-shooting tour of the Halbard-Fillerman GR7 Agricultural Machine. While this is a wonderfully engineered tractor, any highly tuned machine is going to experience some teething troubles when first incorporated into your own farm-equipment family. So, here we go.

? I have noticed that my GR7’s cover-case seems to always be wet, I have replaced the windshield wipers, as called for in the owner’s manual and operator’s guide, but the engine cover-case seems to be often covered in dense moisture.

First of all, check the general surroundings of your GR7. Look at the area, are there fish swimming near by? If the answer is yes, then you are probably underwater. Try the AgroFarm Traqua Mark IV, probably one of the world’s best sub-aquatic tractors. If there are no fish about, then check with your local police station or consulate to see if you live in Bangladesh. Bangladesh has rather horrid weather, especially during the monsoon season. You might try and move to a country with better weather, or if that’s not possible, try to at least move to the Northern Highlands, up in the Naga Hills, perhaps near the city of Sylhet, where the soil is wonderful for growing strawberries.

? Sometimes, I noticed that the left wheel of my GR7 can lock up slightly, making it difficult to keep the tractor in good alignment while tilling my fields. It tends to skew slightly over toward the left. What can I do to fix this.

Make sure you check the undercarriage. Are there any human or animal remains lodged in the axels or the cam-shaft? If you’re riding your tractor down busy sidewalks, you’d be surprised at how many bits of bone can get lodged in your wheels. But, relax, as the problem is easy to solve. Take your handy remains-spatula and gently scrape or prod the jammed housings until the proper alignment is restored. If the wheels are free of debris, yet your tractor still veers to the left or right, check your arms and chest. Make sure you’re feeling no tightness in your chest or difficulty breathing. Is your left arm numb, or are sharp pains shooting down the length of it? You are having a heart attack, which can often throw off your ability to steer. Make your peace with God and then collapse. Be sure to turn off the engine first, you don’t want the unmanned tractor driving into any dangerous obstacles!

? On cold mornings, my GR7’s ignition system is slow to engage. What can I do to remedy this?

First, check the headlights. Are they normal, or are they glowing ominously red? If glowing, it is possible that your tractor is possessed by a demon or other angry spirit. Does your tractor constantly spew forth hateful and disturbing anti-Semitic speeches in German? If so, then Hitler’s ghost is probably possessing your tractor. Either way, a simple exorcism should clear things right up. Halbard-Fillerman makes a great exorcism kit specifically for the GR7, you can pick it up at your dealer. Don’t worry, it’s covered in the warranty. If your tractor is not possessed, or if after exorcism the slow start up still occurs on cold mornings, you should try and get many countries to loosen up their industrial emissions laws. That should increase the amount of CO2 in the atmosphere, creating a sort of “greenhouse effect” that will blanket the Earth in a comforting warmth, eliminating cold mornings, and their negative effect on your tractor’s performance.

Hope that answers all your questions. See ya’ll soon, and good tractorin’.