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Haduary Issue Premiere
John Denver said it best when he crashed his plane and died lo those years ago. Or so we’d like to assume of John Denver, since no one was there to hear his final words. Instead, we would rather quote Generalissimo Chiang Kai-Shek here. This is, unfortunately, impossible as the man’s utterings were thoroughly uninteresting.
So instead we’ll just let you know that this month’s issue of Axes & Alleys is full of depravity, debauchery, nudity, drugs, sexual innuendo, and tips on how to impersonate Lebanese pop sensation Nancy Ajram.
Download the newest issue of Axes & Alleys today and feel free to ogle all of our previous issues in the archive.
Top Ten Integers From One to Ten
1. Six
2. Three
3. Four
4. Five
5. Two
6. Seven
7. One
8. Nine
9. Ten
10. Eight
God
- He can make a triangle with four sides.
- The Grand Canyon.
- Is omnipotent.
- God does not suffer from hemorrhoids.
- Can make a boulder so big that even he can’t lift it.
- Is that then which no greater can be conceived.
- Created the eye, which is far more complex than that camera you found on that desolate plain.
- Wrote the best selling book of all time.
- Totally got with Mary Magdalene and thus started the Merovingian Dynasty. What dynasty have you ever started?
- Was friends with John Paul II. Yeah, the good pope, not that loser German jackaninny.
Terrorists Hold Axes & Alleys Hostage
For the last six weeks the Axes & Alleys offices have been under the control of the Nutria Independence Brigade. Unable to communicate with the outside world without interference, the entire staff has attempted to get word of our predicament out several times, but to no avail. Each time, a watchful, beret-wearing nutria was able to intercept and garble those messages.
I am pleased to announce that WE ARE FREE! The creative department’s DJ Trickyfingers lived up to his name and managed to get ahold of the office staple gun from the storage closet yesterday. Risking his spinning arm, Trickyfingers took out each one of our captors. From the head nutria, who will make an excellent paper weight, to the nutria who mistook our copy machine for a human being, Trickyfingers introduced each to an ignoble end.
We’re still attempting to find production editors Scott Birdseye and Jeremy Rosen, who both seem to have disappeared in the first minutes of the hostage crisis. If you have any information at all on their whereabouts, please let us know. There is a $25 reward.
xoxo
Delores R. Grunion, Editor-In-Chief