This Month’s Recipe

Mmm…Everyone loves a hot stack of pancakes, but did you know that you can make pancakes any time you want? How delicious.

Basically, pancakes are composed of base-proteins (large molecules composed of one or more chains of amino acids), lipids (long chains of poly-bonded hydrogen, carbon, and oxygen) and carbohydrates (a compound or molecule that is composed of carbon, oxygen and hydrogen in the ratio of 2H:1C:1O).

Using any basic matter as a starting material, you can begin making your pancakes. First, separate the molecular constituents of your starter matter using any advanced particle accelerator. With collisions, you should be able to separate the matter into its component atoms. Be sure to channel the atoms you need to a Penning trap or a Ioffe-Pritchard trap, depending on what’s available.

Next, use a magnetic field generator (class VI or higher) to carefully arrange the separated atoms into the desired molecules, taking care to note the appropriate use of chemical, covalent and hydrogen bonds.

With a supercomputer, such as the Cray, you can create a molecular mapping program to help you properly understand the exact way to create particularly complicated molecules such as the polysaturated lipid chains as well as complex sugars such as fructose. Try not to let that pesky Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle get in your way.

Once you have created the molecules you will need, consult or create genome maps for bovines, poultry fowls and wheat. These genome maps will allow you to form the molecules into proper cellular structures using an electron microscope and electrically charged probes. Then, simply create the pancakes by pushing the molecules along a magnetic plate with your handy probe.

Be sure to heat your pancakes before eating and don’t forget the syrup. Yummy!

History and/or Herstory

On the Influence of the Black Death Upon the Roman Catholic Church

Scott Birdseye is a professor of History and
Assyriology at the University of West Dakota. He
and his lovely wife Trudy enjoy ornithology and
viewing moving picture shows. He currently
resides in the lovely state of Kansas, one of the
many of the United States.

The Black Death, which ravaged Europe in the mid-fourteenth century, produced a climate of social, political and economic instability, beginning the large scale disintegration of the Medieval system in Europe. Through the Black Death, the Roman Catholic Church, already rife with corruption and decreasing popularity amongst the masses, saw the basis of its economic stability removed, only increasing greed and dissolution as the Church fought bitterly to survive in the face of popular antagonism. Ironically, the Black Death brought not only weakness and instability to the Church, but also a strong, locally-based religious revival. The practitioners of this revitalized spiritual fervor distrusted the Papacy’s vast earthly power and saw the Church’s central power as dishonest and sinful. The quickly-spreading popular religious resurgence set forth the groundwork for the later Protestant Reformation, which led to the end of the Roman Catholic Church’s reign as one of Europe’s great political and economic powers.

The Black Death was a period of pandemic disease which spread through Europe in the latter half of the Fourteenth Century. Based in a bacterial infection and spread by rats, the Plague began in the East where it was introduced into Europe in the year 1346 at the Crimean grain port of Kaffa. Through merchants on the Black Sea trade routes, the disease spread to Constantinople and had reached Italy by 1348. Soon after the outbreak of infection, Guy de Chauliac, physician to the Pope in Avignon,
described two forms of the plague: bubonic and pneumonic. The bubonic plague, an infection of the body’s glands, was the least-deadly form of plague and cases of survival were known. The more deadly form of plague, pneumonic, an infection of the respiratory system, was highly infectious and could be both airborne and spread through other vectors, such as fleas. Although the traditional methods of treatment for leprosy illustrate that the Medieval world recognized the contagious nature of infectious diseases, European measures to limit the spread of the disease failed. By 1348 many Italian cities had established quarantines and in the following decades quarantines became common throughout all of Europe. While the quarantine system slowed the spread of the Plague across the Continent, it did little to halt the prevalence of disease within the towns themselves. While the pandemic eventually subsided, many of the sealed settlements had seen their entire populations erased.

The Black Death affected all of the people of Medieval society equally; nobles, peasants and clergy, both secular and regular, were all victims of the Plague. Within the Clergy, priests and monks of the lower rankings were least likely to survive the pandemic as they were more likely than higher Church authorities to interact with infected populations. Monks and nuns, who were in many cases the primary caregivers for rural areas, were especially vulnerable to the disease’s effects. While the numbers of the rank and file clergy declined, so did the Church’s revenues. With the quarantine system in effect throughout much of Europe, pilgrimages, one of the Church’s major sources of income, nearly ceased along with most other forms of trade and travel.

The Church, particularly the Papacy, had entered the Fourteenth Century in the midst of financial chaos. Pope Benedict XII, whose rule ended fifteen years before the beginning of the Black Death, had already been forced to run the Church on a quarter of the income that his predecessors had at their disposal. So desperate was the Church?’s financial situation that in 1378, Pope Gregory VII declared on his deathbed that the Church had no money and no future and would die with him.

A rise in superstition and distrust followed the Plague as it spread through Europe. Popular distrust of the Church grew, as death and disease caused many local churches to close. A diminishing number of priests were unable to perform much of the clerical services to which the people had been accustomed. People began to see that even the Church, God’s instrument on Earth, was incapable of vanquishing the Plague. The Plague was seen by many, especially in the Germanys, as sent by God as justified punishment for humanity’?s many sins. As the Black Death killed clergy as well as lay people, it was thought that the Church must also be rife with sin. The Plague removed the veil of holy sanctity surrounding the Church, opening many people’?s eyes to the corruption and greed which was prevalent in the Medieval Catholic Church.

The Black Death brought enormous population disruption. As the peasants died off, labor became scarce while available land became more common. Land values plummeted while labor costs soared. Land values in Europe were very slow to recover and as land was the basis of the Medieval economic system, many land owners lost all of their money. The Catholic Church, like many land owners in the Fourteenth Century, found itself nearly bankrupt. While the late Middle Ages saw many social advancements, the Catholic Church was, as an institution, unwilling to change with the society around it and the Papacy, isolated by its power, continued to operate with a strong Medieval mindset.

Economic disruption led many of the clerical and secular rulers of Europe to opportunistically vie for control of the Papacy, resulting in the Great Schism of 1378. Roman Pope Urban VI acted in a tyrannical manner to purge the Church of the influence of the Avignon Papacy and instituted enormous taxes in an attempt to re-establish the Church?s finances. By whatever means he could, Urban set out to retake the wealth which had been hoarded by the French Cardinals. The actions of Urban VI and the equally scandalous behavior of the Avignon Church did not escape the people?’s notice, increasing popular disaffection with the Church.

As the Church leaders scrambled for control and economic security by any means possible, doubt about the Church?’s place in society grew within the people of Europe. With their lives full of death, disease and widespread Church corruption, the people’?s traditional view of society became shattered. In the wake of the Black Death’s chaos, popular, locally-based religious revival grew throughout Europe, particularly in the Germanys, France and the British Isles. People began to push for reform in the lower levels of the Church, forcing the highest levels of the Church?’s hierarchy into further isolation, widening the gap between the ruling clerical elite, common people and their local priests. As the laiety began to focus more on the spiritual elements within life, the Papacy only increased its involvement in the realm of secular power and wealth.

The Black Death brought about a total restructuring of the European way of life. Cities and towns were erased and the foundations of the economic system collapsed. The Roman Catholic Church, which had entered the Fourteenth Century as the most powerful political entity in Europe was at the end of the century divided, unpopular and facing serious economic uncertainty. After the corruption and greed of the Church were brought into the light by the ravages of the Plague, the people of Europe distrusted Rome and Avignon and sought new answers to explain the perils of life. As the dissolution of the Medieval systems grew, furthered by the rise of the humanist Renaissance, the foundation was set for the Protestant Reformation.

Letters: September 2003

Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.

Dearest Sirs or Madams,
I am crafting this correspondence in order that I may articulate my feeling as well as my mental conjecturations on the anomalous and entirely superfluous happenings which have recently begun appearing ever more frequently across this Great Republic.
These events, while both tragic and unrelenting, strike the fancies of the less than neurolomically resourced as amusing or titillating, and can be seen even as initiatory towards the development of animal magnetism in the injudicious.
These circumstances are most dread and I for one suggest that the bureaucrats of our nation’s governmenting bodies endeavor to put an end to these volatile and melificecious reoccurrences.
I would also like to extend my most sincere gratitudations to you, the editorixes of this superb periodical, for allowing me the opportunity to so clearly express my opinions against the torrid and pungent abominations.
Love in Christ,
Hubert Cecil Booth
inventor of the vacuum cleaner

To Whom it May Concern:
I am a professor of Archeology at the University of Tajikistan and have recently uncovered many interesting bits of pottery, many of which unfortunately are cracked and broken. Perhaps with some paste I may be able to mend them.
Love and Regards,
George Maxwell Richards
President of Trinidad and Tobago

Dear Confections Division of Kraft Foods,
Recently I purchased a package of your “Trolli Gummi Candy Sour Brite-Crawlers,” and gave them to my young children to enjoy as a snack. However, I was horrified when my youngest son showed the other children in the carpool the similarity of shape between your candy and the male reproductive anatomy. This similarity is far too close to have come about by pure accident. The candies incorporate both penis and scrotum, in a fashion which is entirely inappropriate for a children’s candy. As a parent, I find this deeply disturbing, and hope that Kraft Foods can rectify this obvious pornographic element within their candy division. The purposeful creation of these filthy penis candies is a black mark on the otherwise delightful variety of Kraft foods which I and my family have enjoyed for many years. I hope that this experience will not sour me against your company and your many fine, family appropriate food stuffs. I would ask that you return my dollar, and take these horrid candies off the shelves of supermarkets so that I can feel safe to shop with my family again.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Hattie W. Caraway
first female U.S. Senator, D-Ark.

To the Editors of Axes and Alleys,
I find your lack of coverage for various beverages unwholesome. Beverages are a great boon to a free society, enabling the functions of government and constituency to take place. When you leave out beverages, you leave out the essence of life.
Don’t you understand that Ferdinand and Isabella sent Columbus’ expedition to the Americas in search of hot cocoa?
Throughout history beverages have made a major contribution to our lives. From cranberry juice to tea to various forms of cola; water, syrupy waters, vodka, rum and gin.
Why, Hiroshima would never have been bombed were it not for hops and barley.
Beverages are often overlooked by everyone who benefits from their great powers. They are tasty, taste good, and have a pleasant taste. They refresh, reanimate and in some cases heal terrible wounds. They send out fleets of ships and various other important things.
In closing, please include more beverages in your pages.
Sincerely,
Rose R. Daisey
World Hovercraft Consortium

Classifieds: August 2003

Find Anything You Need or Sell Anything You Don’t Want With the Axes & Allies Classified Ads.

FOR SALE
Two stroke pony with optional tail rotor included. Slightly worn, three years old, but spunky and affable. Comes with saddle, rotor oil and RNA transductor enhancement glue. £295.33 plus state taxes, import tariffs and biochemical redundancy fee. Call Steve: 995-2620

FOR RENT
Spacious three tier toolbox. Red aluminum with steel bolts and brushed metal interior. No tools included. £9.95 per week. Call 884- 3443 and ask for Mary Ellen

SEEKING
Single white female. Must enjoy cold climate, ice floes, eating Eskimos and baby seals. I am an intelligent and spontaneous guy (I once attacked a surfacing U. S. submarine) who loves fishing, relaxing in a nice Arctic storm and running in fright from the flashing lights in the sky. Visit Nunavuk, Greenland and ask for Ralphi.

Look in the bulrushes. There you will find the answers you seek. Once you accept the inner sycophant, other will follow. Message 2369.

WANTED
Polyurethane coating for backyard deck or decomposing bodies stored in basements. No questions asked. Ask for Tommy J at 334-3343

FOR SALE
One sixteen litre container of high-grade polyurethane coating for backyard decks or decomposing bodies stored in basements. Available for £35.00. No questions asked. Call 992-1600 and leave a message.

ROBOT ANDROIDS
Seeking robot android look-a- likes, must look like Don Knotts or Tim Conway. Will pay $50.00 or best offer. Call Eddie at 763-0973, ask for Dave.

FOR SALE
Twenty six metric tons of goat cheese. Slightly rancid. Two free hockey pucks included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London, SW1.

Super-villain seeks weapon of mass destruction, nuclear weapons, biological or nerve gas, death rays also good. Will pay top dollar. Call The Honorable Chief Justice Destructo, 113-436-9987, ext. 45.

POSITIONS AVAIABLE
Monarch seeks Eunuchs for organizational duties including harem guarding and chronicling. Castration and palace quarters provided. Send messenger to Xerxes. Royal Palace, Persepolis, Persian Empire.

FREE GIVEAWAY!!!
Several packets of sugar available on a first-come, first-served basis. Sixty-three packets and they’re going fast! Available at 33 Alhambra Ave. this Saturday from 3 to midnight.

FOR SALE
Semi-amateur home-brewmeister sells his first batch of beer. Three bottles for £12. Special discounts for large purchases.

WANTED
Bugs. All kinds of bugs. Beetles, ants, bees, wasps, butterflies, spiders, pillbugs, mosquitoes, mosquito hawks, bottle flies, house flies, millipedes, mantids, moths, cockroaches, weevils, tomato bugs, wormsÉ well, I know worms aren’t bugs, but I really like them. They slither and they’re slimy and stuff. Worms kind of get me off. Anyway, if you have bugs, please call Ehren at 445-BUGS.

POSITIONS AVAILABLE
Pumpkin roaster needed to roast a pumpkin. Must be experienced. Irish need not apply. Call Delores, 738-6975

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
This Saturday, the Community Farm Center of Lower Grunding presents its first annual Bacon Festival! From 11-7, see the most amazing bacon sights and bacon-related accoutrements. Ba-Co’s brand new, late-model bacon stretcher will be on display! The new left-handed coffee mugs featuring the CFC “I Heart Bacon” logo is available cheaply. There will also be a display of new plants made of a synthetic material produced from bacon fat. You can water them like real plants! Bacon Festival takes place in Shorewater Plaza Shops.

WANTED
One human soul. $55 U. S. or best offer. Email Kevin: rabidpatunia at hotmail dot commercial.

FOR SALE
Brazil. Large parcel of land in South America. Please contact Pope Pius III at The Vatican.

JOB OPENING
Local chemical plant seeks qualified quality control workers for maintenance sector reverse-entropy engineering of cubicles, silos, tubes, piping, windows, lavatories and rec room. Must have 23 years prior experience. Call the Human Resources Department at ChemCo Chemical Company. Fax resume to 477-333-6701 c/ o Chemical Carol.

Schizophrenic seeks back-alley anti-psychotic drugs. Must not be an assassin from the government, an alien spy or one of the relatives trying to cheat me out of my inheritance. Meet the man in the blue trucker hat at the Waldbaum’s Bookstore in the Haberdasher Mall tomorrow at 3 PM.

FOR SALE
A dog. 654-0098

NOT FOR SALE
The lamp is mine. You can’t have it.

A Eugenic Plea

by Scott Birdseye and Jeremy Rosen

Not many people in the public are familiar with Francis Galton, cousin of renowned cabin boy Charles Darwin, but Galton’s groundbreaking psychological work established the basis for later quantitative psychological research. More importantly, however, Galton’s hereditary research, coupled with his cousin’s popular theory of evolution, led Galton to the conclusion that artificial breeding selection could be used to better the human species, an idea which is today known as “Eugenics.”

The concept is simple. By choosing humans with desirable traits and having them reproduce, we increase the number of good genes in the human population, thus making the species better. The more intelligent, creative and capable people, the better the world becomes.

And that’s why we’re here, to make the world a better place. Let’s face it, both of us are incredibly intelligent, creative and capable. In a way we represent the best the species has to offer. So, we’ve done a great deal of research and found women who match our own levels of genetic purity. In order to make the world a better place and to preserve human kind’s domination of the Earth, we feel it is our duty to copulate with these women. For the betterment of human kind, we mentioned that didn’t we?

We shall now reveal the list of candidates. If these women truly care about the world and aren’t selfish and evil, they will do their duty and help us create a new race of supermen.

By sleeping with us, as often as they can…for the betterment of human kind, we mentioned that, right? So here they are, if you see your name, just drop us a line, or come over to our house and help us create a new and better world.

eugene

eugene

eugene

And if you’d like to know more about our candidates, please do visit our covers section.