Our Review of a Musical Group’s Gramophone Recordings

Alien Tanks

Tiffany Randol
Tiffany Randol, lead singer of the bebob combo Valeze
Photo courtesy of Steward Noack (House of Indulgence)

The four members of Valeze: Tiffany Randol (vocals, kazoo), Rich Bennet (flugelhorn), Billy Likitasakos (banjo) and Miles Kennedy (yodeling, xylophone, rhythm tuba) were born and raised in the Central American nation of Cosa Nostra and named their band after their home country’s capital city.

The group came to America after receiving Ping-Pong scholarships to NYU and began working on their unique musical expressions. Though many naysayers would claim that hip-hop, bluegrass, and Baroque chamber music could never be blended into a club-worthy trip hop experience, Valeze proves otherwise with their first EP “Come Undone.”

Each song on the record proves that it is possible to create an emotional and powerful listening experience while writing songs that do nothing but tell about the Treaty of Westphalia (1648). “Hard to Forget,” a reggae-operatic piece about the Calvinist machinations of the Peace of Augsburg (1555) opens the record with a bang and is followed up by “Let U Go” a country and western/be-bob rap song about military advancements instituted by Swedish king Gustavus Adolphus during the Third Phase of the Thirty Years War. “Not that Easy,” a beautiful Latin-pop/speedmetal/Christmas ballad describes how The Defenestration of Prague acted as a match to the powder keg of Seventeenth-Century Catholic-Protestant tensions, particularly over the Electorate of Paletine. “China Doll” uses a simple Urdu language a capella-style reworking of La Marseillaies, the French National Anthem, to tell the story of Bohemian and Moravian dissent under Hapsburg rule. The record finishes with a bang as “Please Me” recounts, in a techno-rockabilly fashion, how the Treaty of Westphalia enabled the Prussians to gain full independence from both the Austrians and the Holy Roman Empire.

In all, “Come Undone” is perhaps one of the top 100 albums about the Thirty Years War and definitenly the only one to express the true emotional impact of the war and its subsequent treaty while looking at the whole thing from the perspective of basic quantum physics. This album is a must-have for any true lover of 17th century warfare and quarks.

A Quizzation of Historical Factuals

How knowledgeable are you on the nature of events which have preceded the current state of world affairs? Attempt to answer the following queries and remember that it is not honorable to read the answers before first taking the test.

Napoleon Bonaparte

  1. Where did the Defenestration of Prague take place?
  2. When was the War of 1812 fought?
  3. How long did the Thirty Years War last?
  4. Where were the Nuremberg Trials held?
  5. For whom is the city of Stalingrad named?
  6. Between which two nations was the Russo-Japanese War fought?
  7. Where was the Treaty of Versailles (1919) signed?
  8. What was the capital of the Empire of Rome?
  9. Who declared the Papal Bull of Innocent III?
  10. Where was the Battle of Waterloo?

Click more for the answer key. NO CHEATING! Continue reading

The Life of U.S. President Horace B. Borden (1811 – 1903)

President Horace B. Borden

Not many Americans are familiar with President Horace B. Borden. You will find no monuments to him nestled upon the Potomac, nor does his face grace a postage stamp or piece of currency, but his wise policy and incorruptible tenacity of personal conviction led the Union through the troubling times of the Crisis of 1883 and through the harrowing times of the Turko-Bolivian War, a time when Ottoman excursions into Latin America threatened to undermine the Monroe Doctrine and spell peril for American economic interests in the region. Born in a rustic cabin on the shores of the Chapaqueedahadic River, which wound its way through the rich forests of the Appalachian foothills of the North West Territory, Horace Benjamin Borden was raised outside of what would eventually become the city of Peregrine, Montsylvania. Continue reading

Editorials

From the Desk of Publisher Sir Lionel Buxton Humbridge
Utterances of an Opinionated Nature from the Publisher of Axes & Alleys


Sir Lionell Buxton Humbridge


Dave Nancyboie
Republicrat Party Candidate


Hector McGinty
Blue Party Candidate

McGinty Poor Choice for West Dakotans


Today this pre-processed external memory module must protest the vile candidacy of one Hector McGinty. Mr. McGinty, if he can be named as such, is running for the West Dakota Congressional District 589 seat in Congress. We find his platform of honesty, integrity and gravy to be reprehensible. Specifically, the gravy portions of his campaign.

That gravy could be cheaply and speedily distributed to peoples of all classes in a timely fashion at minimal cost is absurd and insulting. Does Mr. McGinty, a filthy semblance of a man of Ecuadorean descent, truly believe that such class-baiting vitriol on the subject of gravy is truly a cohesive campaign platform which will bring his constituents together? We think not.

Mr. McGinty’s gravy policies will only hurt West Dakota, the Nation and greater portions of Outer Mongolia. This publication says “no” to Hector McGinty*. We must instead officially back Republicrat Candidate Dave Nansyboie, a great West Dakotan who believes in everything for which this publication stands.

*This publication will, however, take Mr. McGinty’s money in exchange for ad placement.


Mr. Conan Doyle
Shamelessly and openly named Arthur.

Children Named Arthur a Nuisance


While we agree that most children are nuisances, we at Axes & Alleys have come to the conclusion, through logic and careful use of intellect, that children named Arthur are a supreme nuisance in society today. Forthwith, we call for the extermination of all current entities under the age of 15 who have been de-ennobled by their parents with the horrible moniker of Arthur.

Furthermore, we implore the State House Grepublindecrat leadership to pass S.H.B. 1327, banning the affixation of the name Arthur to all birth certificates, driver’s licenses, credit cards, social security identifications, student visas, passports and other official or official looking certificates.

Failure to follow through with our plan will quite likely result in the death of society as a whole and the diminution of our great State. Soon we may be only a society of Arthurs, blandly tossed about by a cold wind of indifference.

Never!