1. The mummified remains of Allen Ginsburg in aisle 3.
2. Bread and/or pastry shaped like genitalia.
3. An assortment of Mexican cheeses with labels written in Ukrainian.
4. Pickled seal flippers.
5. Hearty Cream of Giant Clam Gazpcho
6. Cabbages engineered to display advertising for themselves.
7. Generic packaging created after 1976.
8. Unsalted saltines labelled simply as “crackers.”
9. A third option between baskets and carts.
10. People who understand how to use debit, credit, and subsidised food cards in the convenient machines located at the checkout counter.
11. Quality building materials at low, low prices.
12. A complete scientific lecture hall with audio-visual equipment.
13. Katie Stalin
14. Magazines such as National Geographic, Scientific American, or Discovery.
15. Self-checkout lines without someone to help you check out.
16. Burlap or linen as additional alternatives to paper and plastic.
17. Grapefruit with a tag explaining exactly why they’re called grapefruit.
18. Toothpicks made out of tropical wood.
19. Harvested-the-same-day snails.
20. Varmint frankfurters.
21. Heart-of-Palm flavoured grits.
22. Abundant transistors, capacitors, and other electronic parts.
23. Assorted spare buttons.
24. Live piglets for purchase and slaughter.
25. Proper end-cap merchandising.
26. Hormel sausage-flavoured toothpaste.
27. Parrot cutlets.
28. Shopping carts with tracks instead of wheels, for aisles with difficult terrain.
29. 14th Century siege weaponry.
30. Mars’s lesser-known cousin, the Uranus Bar.
31. Costumed characters licking the floors clean.
32. HO Scale model trains.
33. Longview, the Greenday tribute band.
34. Attractively displayed casts of the dead people from Pompeii.
35. Animatronics cartoon characters leading a poorly arranged sing-along.
36. A series of dioramas showing life in Albany, NY (c. 1948).
37. Prosciutto vending machines that will take crumpled dollar bills.
38. Shrimp-stuffed garden hoses.
39. Film critic Roger Ebert standing at the door, smiling warmly as he hands each customer a crisp, fresh radish.
40. Cream o’ Sorghum hot cereal.
41. An aisle where the skulls of all fifty-six signers of the Declaration of Independence are nicely displayed and clearly labelled.
42. An elephant steak slicer that customers can use for free.
43. The highly unpopular Flemish game hen.
44. Bags of Gummi Adlai Stevensons.
45. A monkey cage next to the lobster tank.
46. A properly functioning tilt-a-whirl.
47. Comfy grass instead of that damn linoleum.
48. Good quality, discount chum.
49. Canned fire.
50. Shopping carts that are big enough to comfortably seat a full sized adult.