1. Pick up a random public phone; answer it and announce “London Calling.”
2. Attempt to impress British girls by explaining that if not for the U.S. they would be speaking German.
3. Attempt to impress British historians by explaining that if not for William I they
would all be speaking a sort of modified Welsh.
4. Purchase tweed.
5. Go to William Bligh’s house and put a Pitcarin Island flag on the door.
6. Point out your fanny pack to the locals.
7. Ask the cab driver to take you to see the Eiffel Tower.
8. Put Christmas decorations on the statue of Cromwell.
9. Collect prostitute calling cards. Trade them with your friends for a complete set.
10. On the road, look over at who’s sitting in the passenger seat of the car. Children
or dogs can be especially disconcerting.
11. Head over to 11 Downing Street and say hello to the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
12. Giggle like a school girl when things cost “pee.”
13. Sneeze on the Magna Carta.
14. Don’t even bother trying to make the Beefeaters laugh.
Just punch them in the nose and run away.
15. Go to Westminster Abbey and dance on Isaac Newton’s grave.
16. Point out that the sculptor of Nelson’s Column forgot about the other arm.
17. Get some of those famous Fish & Chips.
Discard after three bites because British food sucks.
18. Ask random people why “Big Ben” isn’t digital yet.
19. Smoke marijuana while strolling down High Street.
20. Order a pint of bitter. Send it back complaining that it’s too bitter.
21. Sew a picture of yourself into the Bayeux Tapestry.
Make it so that you’re riding Haley’s Comet.
22. Dress up in a sheet and scare people at the Tower.
23. Go to Buckingham Palace and protest the impressments of American sailors.
24. Ask people if they know Danger Mouse.
25. Insist that the proper way to pronounce it is Thaymes, not Tems.
26. Show Britons pictures of your television for which you didn’t have to get a license.
27. Call for a vote of no confidence on your waitress.
28. When you see a Londoner down on his luck, sit down and remind him of
how thoroughly they kicked William Wallace’s ass.
29. Talk about how they just let Americans through customs with their guns.
30. Enjoy some Smarties, but say they’re not as good as M&Ms out of patriotism.
31. Mention how much worse your terrorist attack was than theirs.
32. Wonder aloud if the band Queen was named after Queen Elizabeth II.
33. Ask why they can’t get a decent domain name, like .com or .america.
34. Congratulate Londoners on their performance in the Falkland Islands.
35. Go to Euston Station and sing Catatonia’s “Londinium” loudly and annoyingly.
36. Respond with a Vicky Pollard impression to every query.
37. Complain about the beer being too cold.
38. Taunt them on their performance in the French and Indian War.
39. Declare peace in our time.
40. Organize a protest against the execution of Thomas Moore.
41. Point out how different Kew Gardens, London is from Kew Gardens, Queens.
Then make fun of them for ripping off the names for Chelsea and Soho.
42. Complain about so many nearby highways being named after the
Messier catalog designations of globular clusters and galaxies.
43. Act really impressed when looking at the London Stone.
44. Laugh at barristers and their silly wigs.
45. Sarcasm is absent from British culture. Use this to your advantage.
46. Stock up on Euros so you can enjoy London’s famous gambling dens and
corner craps games.
47. Ask a bobby if he keeps his lunch under his big helmet.
48. Set up your very own official turnpike in London City.
49. Wear a hoodie to obscure your face from London’s plethora of surveillance
cameras. Claim to be a monk when questioned by police.
50. Find an old-fashioned call box. Get in and then tell people your Tardis isn’t working.