FOR RENT
A container. Guess what kind of container and you could rent it. 5 closest guesses win an entry in my “Rent the Container” drawing, to be held on August 12, 2005.
John Champlin, 35 Rodster Way
OPEN HOUSE
One Main St. I left the door open because I forgot my keys one day. Feel free to stop by. I have beverages and some board games (many pieces missing). It could be a good time.
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For Rent
Several “For Sale” signs in very poor condition. Some missing the “s.”
P.O. Box 34-3
New Island, OI
111111
Lost
Left testicle. If found, please return to:
James Inchoate
c/o Alabama State Farming Cooperative
Mobile, AL 36612
Town Hall
Lower Grunding City Council Festival
Sub-Committee is having preliminary hearings on the reintroduction of the Bacon Festival.
For Sale
30 gallons of lake water. $50, non-negotiable. Noel’s boat house
Lake Murray right next
to the Free Plastic Bottle Depot.
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WANTED
One set of b/w photographs of Vorlon nipples. If only I had pictures of Kosh’s nipples! Please help. Robbie, Box 512.
WANTED
At least fifteen layers of facial tissues for use as “insulation.” Call Romaine Street, leave message, do not call from your home phone and do not breathe too heavily into the telephone receiver as you may contaminate it.
WANTED
Nude women for use in sexual coitus. Must be young, attractive and nubile. Will accept any type of women, but Asians preferable. School girl costumes provided. Walter 818-738-0292 Continue reading
Thanks, and see you next month!
-Delores.
THE FOLLOWING ADS HAVE BEEN DESIGNATED [CLASSIFIED]
BY THE US DEPARTMENT OF INTELLIGENCE and SECURITONOMY.
ANY PERSON OR PERSONS ENGAGED IN ANAUTHORIZED VIEWING WILL BE SUBJECT TO CRIMINAL PENALTY UNDER THE FREEDOM FROM INFORMATION ACT (1971) AND COULD FACE UP LIFE IN PRISON OR A FINE OF UP TO $4.35.
And Now the Classified Ads
FOR SALE
1 oz. of lunar soil. This is soil produced on the Moon. $55CND, shipping included. Call Rory’s place on Stanton Street.
WANTED
Live version of the Trucker Hat Banjo Five’s “Hosanna Chicago” from the Nyack show. Will pay top dollar for quality version.
Macy: 544-4706
PUBLIC MESSAGE
#77895/33
FOR RENT
Cursed African tribal mask from Congo. Must don mask in presence of rentor for period of 5 minutes or more.
lou@crabtree.net
WANTED
Polyandrous zebra for pool parties and other functions. Must be looking for fun, no commitments.
WANTED
Live specimen of beings from ZX-2579 in the Procarlis Cluster. Must originate from smaller continent!!!
Dr. Schuyler’s Menagerie 2525 Bolton Pkwy.
FOR RENT
Soul Mate. No longer useful for romantic purposes. May be skilled in cleaning or upholstering arts. Paper trained.
779-7425
FOR SALE
One gross of denizens of Lower Grunding. Freshly harvested and ready for consumption. First come, first served. $1 each or $20 per dozen.
Harvey’s Lower Grunding Purveyors of Lower Grunding.
WANTED
Handy disposal service. Myriad homunculi processed in testicles are ready for disposal. Seeking appropriate area for disposal. Women only.
Box 4599
FOR RENT
Eighteen fat women for use with art project.
Alan Rench, 778-1992.
FOR SALE
Whale carcass found on beach. Partly decomposed, but otherwise useful. Transportation costs not included.
Leftron Beach Pier 47
REWARD
For 1 oz. of lunar soil stolen from Montsylvanian College of Agricultural Technical Design Arts’ Arboretum and Space Walk last Thursday. $23 and lifetime pass for information leading to capture and prosecution of science thief.
FOR RENT
Down and out auto mechanic and family. For rent to good home with four bedrooms. Must feed and clothe. Murray 987-6523
INNOCULATIONS!
Daniel Bester, Inc. is offering $15 pre-natal inoculation against various artificial viruses and pathogens. Visit the Nutley Methadone Clinic for more information.
WANTED
Society-changing, innovative technology for cheap licensing and production. Small processing fee, free consultation.
www.patencorp.com
FOR SALE
1,018 piston rods from 1934 Bentleys. Free “I Love Lumberjacks” yarlmulke included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1
FOR RENT
Last page of magazine, formerly classifieds, now great ad space! Contact Delores at “A&A”
WANTED
16th Dalai Lama. Must be below the age of 4, Tibetan of exiled parents and imbued with the soul of the original Dalai Lama at the same time as the 14th and 15th Dalai Lamas. Must no be related to the Panchen Lama, the Nustro Lama or the Origishi Lama. No joke Alpaca submissions please. $50 U.S. or best offer. Contact His Holiness, Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama; Lhasa.
FOR SALE
Full set of 27 dominoes. 30 pesos Call Lee at 998-2122
FOUND
Social Security Card. Made of metal with name Kermit James on front. Will withhold SSN for now. Call Ernie 405-205-9541
FOR RENT
One bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. Must be returned full and unopened. Best offer. Write to Jules McKenzington 24 Boynton Way Northbridge, MV
FOR RENT
The contents of my briefcase. 65 cents a day plus all applicable local, state and federal taxes and tariffs. 1 Proctor Business District, Cubicle 1.
WANTED
One portly woman. No questions asked. Must be portly or no deal. Send photo, resume and stats to Clifford Brownlee c/o Menizen Sanitarium.
FOR SALE
One song. Available for a song. No posers, please. Box 6492
FOR SALE
Secret of fire. Contact Prof. M. Theus through prayer.
LOST
Four pet marmosets. Male and female. Call Sven, Hladenkog, Norway.
WANTED
One half monkey. Must be the right half and must be dyed blue. Will pay $45.21. Call Ed, ask for Bill’s number, he’ll give it to you.
FOR SALE
376 Heads of cattle. Without bodies. Free can of corn included. Write to Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1.
ANNOUNCEMENT
The Homosexual Musher’s Society of West Dakota is holding its annual convention in Hermule, Kalisotta this year. Get ready for five days of fun in the sun, dancing, the world’s most erotic marzipan contest and much more. Must be a member to participate. For more information visit www.wdma.org.
LOST
One department store mannequin lamp. No shade. Please report to Katharinetowne Police Department.
WANTED
Part-time arch-fiend to complement my costumed vigilante alter-ego on weekends. Possible party gigs a plus if good work done. Must be evil genius with funds to match. Call Artie “the Moleman” Moelman 345-6757
LOST
16 ounces of Serious Putty. Purchased with last of rent money for my only son’s birthday. Why God, oh why?
FOR SALE
Brand new indulgences. Only the best of this season’s indulgences are available at Papal Warehouse and Spa. Route 15 by the Neptune Society Cremation Lodge
FREE GIVEAWAY
25 Gideon Bibles. New and unused. Still with Gideon Society bookmark! Sharpe Creek Motel 35 Kentonville Way Oak’s Neck, AG 49268
FOR LEASE
Horseless carriage. New 7 horsepower, two cylinder, internal-combustion engine included. Call Cyrus Pokorny 342-1717
WANTED
Brand-new, world-changing, synergistic technology for license. Must be able to claim credit for technological innovation for a duration of 15 years. This will save my marriage. Price negotiable. email crumbley@vorgotronsubkinematicscybercorp.com
FOR SALE
Used breast implants. No longer needed by previous owners. Cornish County Morgue Bliven, TR 66605
ANNOUNCEMENT
Sliers and Sliers Law Firm opening offices in area. Specializing in post-mortuary recovery issues, lapsed intellectual property rights and poultry law. An experienced law firm is your best ally in court. Make sure that ally is us, Sliers and Sliers, your poultry law specialists!
WANTED
Ohio. Will pay any price. Particulars negotiable. Contact French Embassy (Also seeking Michigan and Illinois (would also like any land sold as Louisiana Purchase (also portions of Mexico (perhaps wayward portions of New France)))).
FOR RENT
One ton of wood pulp to be returned as finished paper product. Free keychain to first customer. Morland Paper Company Mooseknot, WV 23456
FOR SALE
One half a monkey. Left half. Has been dyed orange. Call Thespis
718-682-0093, ext.72###2.
FOR SALE
Meaning of life. I can only afford a two line