Classifieds: December 2005

FOR RENT
A container. Guess what kind of container and you could rent it. 5 closest guesses win an entry in my “Rent the Container” drawing, to be held on August 12, 2005.
John Champlin, 35 Rodster Way

OPEN HOUSE
One Main St. I left the door open because I forgot my keys one day. Feel free to stop by. I have beverages and some board games (many pieces missing). It could be a good time.

WANTED
Dropkick Murphys to play wake. Please only apply if you are the Dropkick Murphys of Boston.
Brutilda Murphy

WANTED
Counter-espionage agent for secret operations inside the United States.
Contact Bob Polens, Supervisor at the U.S. Department of Education.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Need man to be rook in giant human chessboard. Diagonally moving people only.
Bester Foundation

FOR SALE
Record album of Albanians screaming. Very unpleasant.
Box 201, Swedenstan

WANTED
Wonderous smell, must be somewhere between wet bracken and camels in scent. I’m desperate.
Traglo Perfume Company, Hobben, NJ.

WANTED
Do you have an infectious skin disease? If so, please let us take a sample tissue, we need it for an exciting new part of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Details to be announced later.
Contact Himey at Box 402.

FOR SALE
Søren Kierkegaard’s right arm. Used only slightly. Comes with jar of fermaldihyde and scientifically acurate label. Great fun for parties. €1.99 or best offer.
Gracy at g@gmail.com

FOR SALE
The Apocalypse. It can be yours for a reasonable price. Whether you prefer nuclear war, asteroid impact or a virulent disease, the end of the world can be yours.
antichrist@hell.af

WANTED
Several robotic mimes for bank job in Holland. Must be profficiant in Japansese language and customs. Contact Albert at Albert and Cousins Funeral Home and Pancake House.

WANTED
Apples. I sure love apples.

WANTED
One hundred and twenty eight million pounds of duck feathers. I need them to complete my master-work.
Chairman Mao II. Bejing, China, Box 01.

NEEDED
Human kindneys for extra-special kidney pie to be served to Pope, Mick Jagger and other VIPs. Kidney must come from Asian virgin, female a must.
Ducky at 81711.

FOR SALE
One cubic parsec full of turnips. Don’t ask how I got so many turnips, just ask how you can get them at a low low price. Just drop Xeblebot a line and he’ll tell you all you need to know.

FOR SALE
One hundred and eight replicas of Nelson’s Column made of Munster cheese. Free photograph of Selma Blair feeding a lemur included.
Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London, SW 1.

WANTED
Lightning and thunder storm needed to bring my unholy creation to life.
Dr. V. F. Buddledorf, Germany.

FOR SALE
Used coffee. Some hammer damage. $4.00 per kilogram.
Call Antonia at 6244-2021.

WANTED
One image of Great Beast for use in Jerusalem Temple. Must be made to speak in order to sway the masses to follow Satan.
Call Antichrist Preparation Action League for full details.

FOR SALE
Westen Half of Universe.
God at boba117@hotmail.com

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