WANTED
One set of b/w photographs of Vorlon nipples. If only I had pictures of Kosh’s nipples! Please help. Robbie, Box 512.

WANTED
At least fifteen layers of facial tissues for use as “insulation.” Call Romaine Street, leave message, do not call from your home phone and do not breathe too heavily into the telephone receiver as you may contaminate it.

WANTED
Nude women for use in sexual coitus. Must be young, attractive and nubile. Will accept any type of women, but Asians preferable. School girl costumes provided. Walter 818-738-0292

FOR SALE
The Hat of God. This holy headgear was worn by the creator of the universe from 51,000 BC to 21 AD. In fine condition. Chinstraps included free. $40.00 or best offer.

FOR SALE
Seventeen propellers, for use with prop-driven lunchboxes and brief cases. All propellers come in standard “mustard” colour. For sale to all for only one dollar each. Two dollars each for Mormon customers.
www.prop.co.uk.gov.org

WANTED
Cross-eyed dog of Pekinese breed for use with insurance scam. Box 218-00.

FOR SALE
One 20 megaton nuclear warhead. No questions asked. Mustafar, 199-091-3838. No Federal Agents.

FOR SALE
One human kidney, procured from drunk traveling salesman left prone with note in ice-filled hotel bathtub. $50.00 dollars. Call Lou of Lou’s Discount Organs for more details.

SEEKING
You looked at me coyly, I smiled warmly. You used a large hunting knife to dispatch your victims while I was using an ingenious concertina wire contraption of my own invention. Would like to see you again.
Roger c/o International Criminal Court, The Hague

WANTED
Free-form food sculptor specializing in work created using crushed and mixed tubers. Must have spent 1986-1993 in Czechoslovakia and either subsequent republic.
Gary 779-433-2278

FOR RENT
35 yards of tin foil shaped like a Hotentot Venus. Has third arm.
Level Corp. 27 Victor Ln. Ontario, Canada

FOR SALE
One war. International in scope, historic in nature. Includes 1 division of infantry, one submarine pack, an aircraft carrier (air wing extra) and three columns of armor. No substitutions.
Call Lithuania or drop on by.

FOR SALE
Six legged dog/spider hybrid. Can be trained to sing Christmas carols. Call Stu.

NOT FOR SALE
I have no watermelons at this time. Sorry.

LOST
Queen of Diamonds and two of spades. Am now forced to play without a full deck.
Lois Lenkman of the Athens Lenkmans

WANTED
Pencil sharpener. I was recently told I did not have the sharpest pencil and would like to have the sharpest pencil.
Dave 718-725-7749

FOUND
One playing card. Concentrate hard and tell me which card it is and it’s yours.
Charlie

FOR SALE
Vacuum.
Write to Virgil Mat 778 North Street
Vancouver, BC

WANTED
Oversized novelty Gargoyle, preferably inflatable and green in color. This will make my cats very happy. Simon Ize, Box 314, Pfennigan’s Rise, Montsylvania.

FOR SALE
Seventeen thousand, three hundred photographs of the cast of Golden Girls dressed in pirate costumes. Free fez included. £4.00 or best offer. Write to Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London SW1.

WANTED
Dinner with four people living or dead. My preferences include Joan of Arc, Aristotle, Madonna and Teddy Roosevelt. A ham dinner would be nicest. If you can arrange this, call Emily at #214