Category Archives: March of Progress

The March of Progress: Vespril 2006

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buran1

Sydon, WD: While it now sits silently on its railgun launch assembly surrounded by miles of empty wasteland, sources close to Asterstar’s leading engineers claim the new private space shuttle could be ready to launch in as little as two weeks.

The three new shuttles; Explorer, Winnifred and Avenger are far more advanced than their NASA counterparts, the nearly 30 year old space shuttles. Asterstar’s shuttles feature digital computers, two-way radio communication, automated ventilation and a propensity not to disintegrate into atrocious fireballs upon launch or reentry.

This is a great leap forward since NASA’s shuttles still rely on hand cranks, pulleys, steam and candles. While impressive, NASA’s use of the largest team of mules ever assembled to haul the aged space plane from its storage facility to the shuttle assembly area is a woefully outdated concept.
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The March of Progress: Tiberium 2006

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Thanks to the ICC, Now Crime Does Pay

Crime Bucks

Criminals and counterfeiting are one of the most expected of expected things in the history of the Universe. So, it will come as no surprise to our faithful readers that the International Criminal Congress started printing money this week.

This money, however, is not counterfeit. This fully-legitimate currency is backed by the confidence of its consumers: criminals. Counterfeiting has been a perennial issue for the International Criminal Congress. World trade in counterfeit Monies is rampant in the criminal community.

It has become difficult for thieves, murderers, mafiosi, drug smugglers and the like to trust one another with so many fake Monies trading hands. How can an otherwise law-abiding arms smuggler sell weapons to a band of mountain renegades if he can’t be sure the Monies used are legitimate? He certainly cannot turn around and ask the International Currency Council for a refund, no sir.

Enter Bernard “Skull” Jones: hit man, confidence trickster, and ICC President. Mr. Jones examined the situation and decided to abandon ICC Monies altogether. He came up with the idea of the ICC printing its own money and after some mumbling, the motion was passed and so Crime Cash was born.
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The March of Progress: Fabuly 2006

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ah1

If you’re anything like me, chances are you get stressed out by the holidays; the shopping, the food, the cleaning, the obligations, the family troubles and the travel. It seems like once a month another holiday comes along to disrupt our lives. Why on New Years and Saint Patrick’s our favorite bars and restaurants jack up the prices and become crowded as all get out, on Valentines you’ve gotta be in love or there’s no point. Halloween means you have to give away your hard earned candy to greedy children. As for Thanksgiving, is it really necessary to cook for ten hours, travel for two days and gorge ourselves on food we never eat at any other time of the year? And don’t even get me started on Christmas.

My plan is simple, so simple that it will and must work. All we do is combine all these obligatory occasions into one day so that they don’t disrupt our schedules for the rest of the year. It will take place the first Saturday after the first full week in May (That’s May 20th, 2006 for the first one). It shall be called “The Amalgamated Holiday #01.”

The rights and rituals of Amalgamated Holiday #01 will be spelled out below and soon you won’t have to worry about redecorating every month or traveling back home every other month, no more confusing algorithms to try and figure out when days fall. Nope, all the inconvenience of the holidays will now be consolidated into one wild day of glory and fun. Here’s how it works:

9:00 am: Get up and put on your costumes. My first Amalgamated Holiday #01 costume is going to be a sexy merchandising associate.

9:30 am: Time to open presents. Also, make sure you hide the egg-shaped matzo. Good luck to the one who finds the Easter-affikomen.

10:00am: Plant a small fir or pine tree. Then trim it; you can decorate it with colorful eggs, green shamrocks, or red-white-and-blue bunting. Put a small figure of the devil on top then throw rocks at it. Whoever knocks the devil off the tree gets to blow out the candles (see next).

11:00 am: Bring out the birthday cake. Put seven candles on top in a straight line. Light the middle one first. Then the others in order until they are all lit. Then blow them out and make a resolution. Yay, now you can eat the yummy cake.

12:00 noon: Call your mother, father and grandparents. Wish them well.
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The March of Progress: Gregor 2006

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Hectapus

Durham, N.C. – Utilizing what they referred to as “an insanely easy procedure” scientists at Duke University’s Department of Aquatic Medicine were able to transform two octopuses into one hectopus and one nonapus, with one semi-intelligent tentacle left over.
The operation, which took over twenty-eight minutes to complete, has completely revolutionized the scientific world’s view on cephalopod development.

“Before I thought cephalopods, y’know, could only have eight or ten tentacles. These dudes, though, they just proved that way wrong,” said UC Berkeley physics professor Joseph Orenstein.

It had been thought that octopuses developed eight tentacles due to evolution. Now it is known that intelligent design can create pusses with as many limbs as our whims desire. Huntington F. Willard, Duke University professor of biology, stated that work would now move forward on the triskadecopus because of the hect- and nonapus successes.

While the fate of the semi-intelligent tentacle is in doubt due to its inability to ingest nutrients, Hansel and Gretel, as the nonapus and hectopus are now known respectively, are adapting to their new tentacle arrangements well and are expected to release a statement as soon as cephalopods learn to speak, write and release statements to the press.

World of Economics

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Researchers Release New Findings

A new study conducted by the International Institute of Economics and Such has determined that there is not a high degree of correlation between US space shuttle launches and the gross domestic product of Guatemala.

The group looked specifically at the period between 1985 and 2004 and made the startling conclusion that the Guatemalan economy and the NASA mission schedules seemed to have had no influence on each other.

Incidences of space shuttle missions varied from a high of nine (in 1985) to a low of zero (in 1987). Meanwhile, the Guatemalan economy seems to be growing at a slow but steady rate.

The results can be seen in the graph below, which charts space shuttle launches by year in comparison with the GDP of Guatemala in billions of dollars. Most interesting is the fact that the graph of the shuttle launch schedules resembles a kitty cat.

Guatemala GDP