Sydon, WD: While it now sits silently on its railgun launch assembly surrounded by miles of empty wasteland, sources close to Asterstar’s leading engineers claim the new private space shuttle could be ready to launch in as little as two weeks.

The three new shuttles; Explorer, Winnifred and Avenger are far more advanced than their NASA counterparts, the nearly 30 year old space shuttles. Asterstar’s shuttles feature digital computers, two-way radio communication, automated ventilation and a propensity not to disintegrate into atrocious fireballs upon launch or reentry.

This is a great leap forward since NASA’s shuttles still rely on hand cranks, pulleys, steam and candles. While impressive, NASA’s use of the largest team of mules ever assembled to haul the aged space plane from its storage facility to the shuttle assembly area is a woefully outdated concept.

Baby, It’s Ready to Go: Daniel Bester Inc. and Asterstar have stated publically that the new generation of shuttles will probably not be used for deadly military purposes.

Many NASA astronauts have even defected to Asterstar after learning about the amazing new shuttles. Lighty “Bob” Torkum, formerly of NASA, stated in a press conference “I’m very excited to get in Avenger and take her out for a spin. But I’m most excited that the new Asterstar shuttles actually have bathrooms. That’s really important on a two week mission. It’ll be nice, because NASA’s policy was always ‘you can hold it.’”

Amongst the many rumors surrounding the Asterstar shuttles are their possible military use and the usual conspiratorial-minded citizens have come out in force to push their pet theories. Many have noted the installation of ultraviolet heat lamps above miniature crash seats as ripe for reptilian occupants.

Left: The NASA Shuttle OV-099 Challenger, destroyed some time ago. Right: The Asterstar Shuttle DBS- 03 Avenger, which features many buttons, among other advancements.

Others have gone further, believing some nefarious purpose in a recent truckload of penguins delivered to the testing grounds. Jimmy Barnes, Asterstar’s spokesmodel, told a recent cocktail gathering that the fuselage-mounted, cryocooled containers on the shuttles bore no connection at all to our Antarctic friends.

The Asterstar Shuttle DBS-02 Winnifred sits on its launch platform. The man walking by could be the elusive Daniel Bester.

While the first mission is scheduled for early September, there may be a launch before that so that Daniel Bester Inc. can deploy the aptly named “Completely Innocent Satellite.” Daniel Bester himself has been purportedly training for the second launch, though the briefly-glimpsed magnate was supposedly a double.

NASA spokesmen declined to comment, except to say that they are making great progress in clearing out Atlantis’s raccoon infestation.

The Avenger flies through the Earth sky. Some suspect that this new class of shuttle may utilize Shadow technology.