Billionaire Breaks Records!

LaGuardia

QUEENS, USA: Thousands of aviation fans came out to LaGuardia International Airport (LGA) today to cheer for billionaire-industrialist Daniel Bester as he completed the last leg of his now-famous Cross-Borough Flight.

Earlier today Bester took off from New York-Newark Airport (EWR) in his experimental craft, the DB-1, and completed the full circuit across Manhattan in a record four minutes before landing in Queens.

Based on earlier designs, the DB-1 features a plethora of new bits of advanced technology, including an especially ergonomic cockpit. Many in the Military-Industrial Complex have high hopes that the DB-1 can help turn the tide of the war. Bester Aircraft and Asterstar, a Daniel Bester Inc. Company, have been known for decades as leaders in the aviation and aerospace industries.

Though Daniel Bester was quickly whisked away by his agents before the crowd could even catch a glimpse of him, his spokesmen were quick to issue a statement declaring that Mr. Bester had “No Comment.”

Rival Billionaire and aviation enthusiast Richard Branson, who had been in a fierce competition with Bester over the Cross-Borough Flight record, was found dead in his hotel room earlier this morning, his death the result of an apparent-drug-overdose-themed murder.

Bester Flies

News of the World: Online Exclusive

Moses Rides Again!

New Sixth Book of the Torah Found in Dead Sea!

scroll

Jewish and Christian scholars are in a tizzy now that archeologists have discovered the lost sixth book of the Torah, the final writings of the great Hebrew leader Moses. Known as Indexicus, the book was discovered in a newly found cave near the Dead Sea in Israel. It was found in a well-preserved pitcher.

Indexicus was translated by a team of scholars at the University of Tel Aviv, who announced their findings earlier this week. It is an amazing find, as no new books of the Torah have ever been found. For thousands of years, it has been assumed that the Torah was complete, but this new book sheds an amazing light on G-d’s impartation of the Law.
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News of the World: November 2005

The War At Sea!

mm1

As our hovercraft slid through the night, I could make out shadows grouped on the horizon. I took another bite of my tomato and let the juice dribble down my chin. It was a little over ripe, making loud squishing noises.

“The blockade fleet,” Seaman Mylar pointed out as he, too, munched unenthusiastically on a tomato. “They’re on constant patrol all through here.” One of the hovercraft crew, Mylar was a fit young man with the bronzed skin and muscular build characteristic of his Maori heritage. Though he told me he had joined up six months ago, just after his eighteenth birthday, I’d have never guessed it; already he spoke with the calm certainty and bore the tomato-stained battle blouse of a veteran. To a man, despite their ages or ranks, the Hovermen showed an emotionless acceptance; other fruits and vegetables had long been left behind. For an army man it’s the Thousand Yard Stare. For these navy files it’s the Twenty Mile Squint.
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News of the World: October 2005

HAIL TO THE CHIEF!

Crowds Erupt in Cheers as
ARMSTRONG
Takes the Reins of State

Armstrong Inauguration
Dawn of a New Age: 49th President of the United States Dick Armstrong returns triumphantly to Washington D.C. after his inauguration. Happy days to follow.

The following is a report made earlier this year on President Armstrong’s inauguration, but, for some reason, we never published it.

NEWTOWN, PA: Though a light hellosh flittered to the ground it was not enough to stop a small crowd of well-wishers, supporters, fans and military personnel from coming out to watch as Richard Tojo Armstrong stepped up on the hastily constructed platform in the center of a farmer’s alfalfa field to be sworn in as the 49th President of the United States. Continue reading