HAIL TO THE CHIEF!

Crowds Erupt in Cheers as
ARMSTRONG
Takes the Reins of State

Dawn of a New Age: 49th President of the United States Dick Armstrong returns triumphantly to Washington D.C. after his inauguration. Happy days to follow.

The following is a report made earlier this year on President Armstrong’s inauguration, but, for some reason, we never published it.

NEWTOWN, PA: Though a light hellosh flittered to the ground it was not enough to stop a small crowd of well-wishers, supporters, fans and military personnel from coming out to watch as Richard Tojo Armstrong stepped up on the hastily constructed platform in the center of a farmer’s alfalfa field to be sworn in as the 49th President of the United States.

Armstrong was sworn in by Alan R. Yasper, of Yasper Liquor, who maintains a Notary Public license and was one of the few qualified people in Newtown available to serve in the inauguration. Earlier in the day, the then president elect, his family and staff were evacuated from Washington D.C., after the city was threatened by remote-controlled lizard fifth columnists.

Draped in orange bunting, festooned with matching crepe-paper, and wearing his lucky fez, rumored to be a gift from NASCAR champion Lightie McDonald, Armstrong smiled throughout the brief ceremony and even entertained children with his impressions of cranes, swans and other waterfowl. Experts described the impersonations as “fairly close considering the nasality of the President’s voice.”

After the swearing in, Armstrong was handed a megaphone and proceeded to hop aboard his trusty moped. Driving in slow circles, or ‘donuts’ around the alfalfa field, Armstrong delivered his inaugural address in which he declared that freedom was definitely a good thing.

Critics of the new President were quick to point out that the speech made no specific mention of the current crisis in America, specifically the recent destruction of the San Fernando Valley and surrounding areas, which may have left as many as twelve million dead or missing.

Presidential spokes-human Lauren Skala-Petrosi stated that “The President is ushering in a new era for America. Now is not the time for the blame game, now is not the time to dwell on past defeat and destruction, now is the time to rejoice, verily.”

His speech delivered, Armstrong and members of his family and staff hopped onto a waiting helicopter, loaned to the President by Daniel Bester Incorporated, where they began a journey to parts unknown. Spoke-human Skala-Petrosi was quick to add “The President is definitely, I repeat, definitely not going to the Hidden Island of Reme. He’s not doing that. I swear. Probably, he’s just going fishing or something like that.”

Below is a full text of President Armstrong’s Inaugural Address.

“Ladies, Gentlemen, Distinguished Members of our Agricultural Industry, Military Officers, My Fellow Americans. I come to you today, now as the President of these United States of America, in a time of cautious optimism, watchful hope and vigilant jubilee. There is much to be saddened by but also much to be thankful for. Through all the difficulties we have seen, through all the pain and death, we have never once lost hope. And we shall never lose it.

Today some say that our enemies surround us, they say that our enemies are numerous and omnipresent, that they may strike at any time, that we are never safe. Well, to them I say “No.” Our enemies, though their weapons may be great, though they may be dangerous, will never defeat us. For we have a weapon far more powerful than they could ever possess; we have Freedom. Freedom will never fail us, freedom will never be taken away. Freedom gives us strength and freedom will ensure us ultimate victory.

The Liberty that sustains us cannot be defeated, it will always endure for freedom is the destiny of every human being on this planet. The chains of tyranny can only oppress for so long, for in every heart there is a longing for destiny and freedom; a longing which creates the freedom that makes the world a place worth defending.

American has seen dark times, but America has always risen above the dejection of circumstances to the heights of glory. I assure you here, this day, in this alfalfa field, that I will work every day to defy the despots and terrorists and to ensure that America will triumph in an ever greater fashion. Victory is America’s destiny, it is our destiny, and like the generations who came before, we will not back down. This is our time to fight, this is our time to stand up to ensure that freedom will endure for generations to come. We will not fail in our destiny.

First Daughter Brody Armstrong in her special inauguration gown.

The world screams out for freedom, the people of the world cry out to see right prevail and we will not fail them. Though it may be difficult, though it may seem as though victory will come at too high a cost, I say to you now; freedom must endure and we must pay any price to defend freedom.

Though today may seem like a dark time, I assure that it is a time for celebration. Victory is at hand, victory is assured, because I know that in the hearts of the American people there is no room for defeatism. There is only the cry for freedom. Freedom will be yours. The chains of disaster will be broken and we will show all the nations of the world that freedom will endure forever. Now is our time, down here, and we will succeed for freedom is the ultimate weapon and we have our fingers on the button.

Thank you and good day.”

With both Congress and the Supreme Court now inoperative, many Washington insiders now expect President Armstrong to declare himself dictator sometime within the next week. A recent TBS/Weekly Reader Poll indicated that an overwhelming majority (79 %) of Americans favored Armstrong’s assumption of dictatorial power. While there has been no official word from the Presidential camp as to this new exo-constitutional move, Dick’s daughter Brody Armstrong and son Billy Joe Armstrong have both come out in support of their father’s expected grab for power. “Destiny never makes mistakes” said First Daughter Brody Armstrong.