News of the World: October 2005

The War at Sea

Battle of Bering Sea

Declared Major Victory for Good Guys


Bering Sea October 3, 2005 – The latest naval engagement in the Bering Sea is set to send hostilities into a protracted state of being really, really high as the Good Guys have handed the Bad Guys their hat on the way out the door.

Lt. (j.g.) Samuel Joehansen of the Good Guy Navy describes the action in certain terms:

“We were hit afore with a volley when the crate of beef fat we keep topside went overboard. Midshipman Odiman is a big fan of french fries and went overboard after the crate. Thankfully, he got that crate back to the ship and will only have to spend six months in recovery and therapy before his prosthetic is fitted.”


The Bad Guy Navy suffered heavy losses as crewmen leapt into the heaving ocean during heavy attack from the GGN, trying to recover various foodstuffs that had been stored on deck. The Good Guys came through, though, destroying the massed and bobbing forces of the BGN while simultaneously liberating several containers of nutritious cargo.

When asked to comment, Defense Secretary Herbert Nordstrom made it pretty damn clear that we were kicking the Bad Guys’ asses.

Secretary Nordstrom also added that in coördination with the Rationing Agency, several tonnes of veal parmesan would be made available to the public in next week’s luxury lottery allotment. Government largesse and generosity has been on the uptick in recent weeks due to our beating the crap out of the Bad Guys.


Armstrong Administration sources, during conversations on the recent name change from United States Navy to Good Guy Navy made by President Armstrong, were hesitant to respond to questions about proper comestibles containment and storage aboard GGN ships. It is unclear how such losses could be avoided.

With the recent demise of GGN Cocker Spaniel, concerns about such proper storage have become apparent The Cocker Spaniel was sent to the bottom in action around Greenland with all flour tortillas lost and few fresh beans recovered from the wreckage. Secretary Nordstrom offered no comments on this incident, but promised that the loss of the Cocker Spaniel with all soda syrup containers aboard would be fully investigated and avenged.

USS Dachshund
All Hands on Deck: The AEGIS Cruiser USS Dachshund headed towards the enemy in the Bering Straits. Ships played an important part in the recent naval battles.

The Tortilla Flotilla operation was not a complete loss as the GGN Pekingese captured a BGN merchant-frigate with all monterey jack aboard. However, the House Sub-Committee of Naval Nutrient Portage convened hearings yesterday in the new Armstrong wing of the Capitol Building to consider means by which the U.S. could ensure proper storage and survival of its transported foodstuffs.

The hearings are intended to resolve recent losses, but no developments on that regard are available at this time and it is unclear if any solution to the problem of stored nutrition careening off of ship decks can be found.

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