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Ask Montezuma: Vespril 2007

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It’s the Anwer Man from Tenochtitlan

Montezuma
Montezuma once spackled an entire wall
using only toothpaste. His favorite atomic
element is Neon but he also loves learning
about voles and foxes.

Dear Montezuma,
Is it possible for a ray of light to go into orbit around a black hole?
Stan Foley
Boron Park, FL

Stan Foley of Boron Park, Florida. Stan Foley…Stan Foley. Where have I heard that name? Ah, yes, in the letter I just received from you, of course. It was actually on the outside, too, written in the correct spot for the return address. Excellent work in that regard Stan Foley, excellent work. Keep it up.

Montezuma,
It’s difficult for me to take cookies with me wherever I go so I can have them whenever I want them. I’m an important person on the go, you know? Is there some way I could take this cumbersome food along with me on trips, while jogging, or perhaps even on the train?
Peter Oregon
Cape Town, South Africa

Mr. Oregon, I wonder how much of a person on the go you truly are. In my plush leather chair here in my study I sit pondering if perhaps it’s only your arms that are this “on the go.” Perhaps they move on ahead of you just a little too quickly, floating there in the grocery store aisle waving ineffectively at the cookies while they wait for the rest of your body to catch up. Or, even better, what if it is your nose that speeds on ahead of your face, saving up the smells along the way for you to savour when you finally reach it. Your life must be incredibly interesting my friend.

Dear Montezuma,
I just entered the modern era with the purchase of a cellular telephone after years of deriding the devices as vainglorious and superfluous. The tipping point was when I realized all the women I was trying to meet had cellular telephones and expected me to as well. On top of that it would come in handy from time to time when trying to plan dinner with the person who shares my flat. He has known me for years and consequently made fun of me. Should I have murdered him in his sleep through the clever use of fire-escape-trained green anoles, or should I continue to poison him slowly with my arsenic-laden s’mores?
Steve Crowsfeet
Ozone Park, NY

Technology, Steve, has forever been central to the attainment of one’s reproductive and pleasurable goals. For instance, Dubner Mulcahy created the avocado slicing catapult system merely to impress the future Mrs. Mulcahy, whose bosoms were ample and seductive. Fire, it is presumed, was originally brought into the cave rather than left outside in order for male humans to become titillated by the sight of their fellow cavewomen. This may have prompted the arms race of masquerade and obfuscation that is the subtle and not-so-subtle plays of appearance the female of the species has engaged in for millennia.

Hey Monty,
My girlfriend and I recently broke up after several years of dating. In fact, I arrived home just the other day to find a box of my stuff waiting for me at my apartment with a bit of an unfriendly note contained within letting me know she would not be speaking to or seeing me. After contemplating whether or not to respond, I did so by email, though I did know there was no way by this point to disabuse her of some strange notions. In fact, I received an electronic mails reply back with some more strange notions and one which was even silly. Again the missive closed with the notice that she did not want to see or talk to me. Now, the crux of the matter is that she frequents the Irish pub at which I prefer to engage in the game of darts and have done so for the better part of the last decade. Obviously the injunction against seeing her (which I must respect) precludes me from going to said pub because I might see her. What should I do?
Joshua Marigolden
Hollis, NY

Joshua, she doesn’t own the pub. Go, make merry, and should you run into her, pretend to be a visiting Canadian of the same name and personality.

Montezuma,
Why does it seem that only retarded, college-age boys who don’t know how to shave are into banjo music? The same goes for that mandolin. Seems like just a bunch of overwrought hogwash to me.
Simon Pepperidge
Burlington, Province #1

Because that is who is into such music Simon, that’s who’s into such music.

montys hints

Opening cans of tuna fish (in water or oil) is one of the most dangerous and difficult operations in the home. Lost limbs are the hallmark of the seasoned and foolhardy tuna fish can openers. When opening the can, make sure to place it firmly on a surface such as a counter or table. Never try to open a can of tuna fish with the bottom placed against a wall or person! Next, you’ll want to make sure you have a can opener handy. The rotary can opener has been the standard for nearly a century. If you are left-handed, do not use a right-handed can opener. You risk death or worse! Once in hand, place the wheels of the can opener around the rim of the can and bring the handles together. Make sure your fingers are not in between the handles. Hold the can firmly with one hand while twisting the knob with the other. Do not stop until you have completely cut around the metal top of the can. Remove the opener, remove the lid, and enjoy tasty tuna fish.

A Simple Guide to Living in a Haunted House

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ghost

Whether your home was the site of a series of grisly murders by an underrated symphony conductor in the 1940s, or was built on a gallows where an innocent man was hanged, chances are you’ll have to deal with a house chock-full of restless spirits. No one likes waking up to the sounds of woeful moans and footsteps. And spirit writing just wrecks your freshly painted walls. So, here are some hints to living in peace with that ghost or getting them the hell out of your abode.

  • Many spirits are simply confused by the trauma of passing on and do not realize that they are dead. Leave the obits out conspicuously on the coffee table with a few funeral home brochures and headstone catalogues. Chances are they might just get the hint.
  • To encourage a ghost to leave your home and move on, you should remind them that you legally occupy the house and that they are a guest. When writing out your rent check, loudly lament that the rent is so high and that you wish that everyone in the house would pay their fair share.
  • If a poltergeist starts flinging objects around or breaking glasses, an-eye-for-an-eye is a good thing to remember. Go to the person’s grave and smash the headstone with a big hammer. See how they like them apples.
  • Try just ignoring the ghost. If that doesn’t work, annoy them by talking loudly and often about how awesome it is to be alive. Say things like “Gee, sure glad I’m alive and not dead so I can enjoy all of this delicious ice cream.”
  • If you find yourself dealing with a particularly persistent ghost, you may need to call in an expert to help exorcize the house. Or you can just do it yourself, because with a simple prayer you can turn the toilet into a fountain full of holy water.
  • When performing your own exorcism, remember that not all dead people are Christian. Have nearby handy copies of the Talmud, the Koran, the Bahavagita, Dianetics, the Communist Manifesto and the Zoroastrianistrokan.
  • Should you actually see an apparition, offer it a cup of tea. No need to be rude, after all.
  • Spirits often attempt to communicate through spirit writing or through EVP. Just ignore them. They never have anything useful to say.
  • Sometimes a spirit is traumatized by its death and needs closure before moving on. Remind the ghost that you’re not its damn therapist and that you have better things to do than to help it deal with its magazine rack full of issues.
  • If, through research in musty volumes at the library, you discover that your house was built on top of an old Indian burial ground, go down to the basement, dig up the bones and move them somewhere else, because we conquered it, it’s our country now and we don’t need stupid, defeated natives’ spirits bugging us all the time.
  • Turn the tables on the ghost and walk through it repeatedly. Do this especially if the ghost is trying to communicate with you. They find it unbearably annoying.
  • Only rarely do ghosts appear in photographic or video images. Use this to your advantage by turning your home into a discount portrait studio.
  • A little-know fact about visitors from the netherworld is that more than anything they hate artificial watermelon scent. Modern air-freshening technology can help you immeasurably.
  • Knick-knacks while generally an eyesore are also a no-no. Poltergeists can fling such objects all over the place at the least causing a nuisance, at most mild pain and property damage.
  • If the haunted house you’re living in happens to be part of a theme park or annual holiday celebration, this is not the article you’re looking for. Please see our Tiberium 1966 issue.
  • Ghosts can be attached to certain objects. If yours is one such as this, do not dispose of the object in the curbside trash pick up as the disposal of paranormal refuse has been strictly regulated by the EPA since 1984. Use the recycling bin.
  • Sometimes your standard apparitions are semi-permeable. Spraying them with a mister produces lovely visual effects including rainbows and hilarious distortions of the people or objects directly behind the spirit.
  • If it’s a tree on your property which happens to be the source of the haunting, why not employ the use of a chainsaw?
  • If you’re willing to strike up a relationship with the deceased, they can really help when cheating at cards.
  • Ghosts are supposedly kept at bay with iron, but a better repellant is pure disbelief.

Ten Great Tips for Stalking Azura Skye

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azura skye

  • Wear comfortable shoes. Often overlooked, but important, comfortable footwear will help you a great deal, because stalking Azura Skye will keep you on your feet for long hours. Why not try sneakers with some gel insoles. We hear she really likes gel insoles.
  • Eat well. Following Azura Skye around is almost a full time job. Often you don’t have the time to grab a real meal so you’ll end up stopping at a fast food place for something to keep you going. That means you keep eating greasy junk food. Why not take some bags of sliced celery or baby carrots with you to munch on? That way you can grab a bite of something good for you and keep an eye on Azura Skye the whole time.
  • Get a good breakfast. Remember, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, don’t neglect it because you’re in a rush to get out of the house to start stalking. A car won’t run without gasoline and you won’t stalk well without breakfast.
  • Warm up before hand. How many times have you been chased by studio security guards only to develop shin splits after a hundred yards or so? Be sure to stretch those calves and leg muscles. Do a few warm up exercises before you try and sneak into Azura Skye’s window.
  • Dress in layers. Since stalking Azura Skye involves spending a lot of time outside, be sure to wear a few layers so you can adapt to temperature changes. It can get chilly, even in Los Angeles, so take your jacket.
  • Carry an umbrella. You never know when it might rain, so why not be prepared? It’s no fun stalking Azura Skye when you’re soaking wet and shivering.
  • Plan your route before hand. No one likes endless driving or sneaking around. Before you leave in the morning, plan the day. Will it be spent hanging out in the bushes by her house, or trying to sneak into the studio where she works? Planning ahead will save you aggravation and gas money.
  • Go the extra mile. Why send your love letters on plain old copy paper when you can get fancy resume paper for as little as 10 cents a sheet at most stationary stores? That extra little effort may pay off in the end.
  • Take a flashlight. How many times have you been in the dark shrubbery near Azura Skye’s home and gotten lost because of the lack of light. Take a flashlight and you’ll find your way every time. Be sure to take extra batteries, just in case.
  • Have fun. In this hectic world, it’s easy to get caught up in things. Remember, stalking Azura Skye is supposed to be fun, so don’t take it so seriously. Have a good time with it and enjoy yourself.

Ask Montezuma: Tiberium 2007

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It’s the Answer Man from Tenochtitlan

Montezuma

Montezuma was once an international superstar on the fishing lure design and manufacturing scene, but has been overshadowed in recent years by Sterling Peoples from the USA. He now decorates industrial bolts on Sundays.

Dear Montezuma,
How is it that fish can breathe underwater? I mean, there’s no air underwater, just water. Why aren’t they all dead?
Mike D
Brooklyn, NY

Dearest Miked,
Before I commence a response to your question, I do believe it behooves you to examine whales, which are the largest of all extant fish. Recent shoddy research may hint at an even larger fish, the megaloecanth, which likely became extinct sometime around one hundred million years ago. Needless to say, you won’t be finding megaloecanth batter dipped and deep fried down at the Red Lobster. After all, each of its kidneys was the size of a helicopter.

Dear Montezuma,
Currently, I am interested in two different women. One is, I think, much better suited to my personality and we get along really well. But the other one is way, way hotter. Worst still is that they’re sisters. What should I do?
Rob Godfrey
Pensacola, FL

Robert,
I disagree with your statement that one sister is “way, way” hotter than the other. Unless these were only half-siblings, they should have a near identical genotype and closely related phenotypes, therefore one might be hotter than the other, but could certainly not be “way,” much less “way, way,” hotter than the other. Genetics thus ruled aside, we can say the relative hotness of these women is caused by nurture, not by nature. The other one must actually just be dressing or presenting in a more sexually proactive way, a style laymen refer to a smutty. the answer is simple, just convince the one with a good personality to start dressing like a call girl.

Dear Montezuma,
My airplane is about to crash. Which control opens the flaps?
Martina Damage,
Vestibule, OH

Martina,
So good to hear from you again. On planes manufactured domestically from 1934-2003, the flap control controls the flaps state. On later models or foreign designs, consult your aircraft manufacturer. Give my love to Mitch and the girls.

Dear Montezuma,
So, as most of my friends (including Bobby, Stu and Tommy, also Geoffery, Abigail, Belinda, Mike and Def, and the downtown gang; Marissa, Mandy, Mike and Fred and Blue Face Pete) know I like geography. If it’s called “The United States,” doesn’t visiting one mean that you have visited them all?
Fleming Roatblok
East Prussia, NV

Flemmie, contrary to what today’s mathematically-educated advertisement executives throw into a multitude of commercials, not everything occasions a transitive property. For instance, there is no transitive property of whales. Captain Ahab never shouted to his crew that he needed to get any old whale. Oh no, only the white one would do. Geography is like whales.

Hey Monty,
I was listening to Bach’s “Passacaglia & Fugue in C minor” the other day and I wanted to know if you thought Bach was a showoff for putting the Fugue part in. Also, do you prefer the Ormandy or the Stokowski orchestration?
Brian Brinehold
Neolapatopolis, NJ

B.B. If anyone is attempting to be a showoff in this situation, it is you. You might even have succeeded were you to have made mention of the organ recording made of this work by Michael Murray on the Methuen Organ.

Dear Montezuma,
Why can’t you build a time machine and then go back and make it so that JFK was never assassinated? or you know, kill Hitler before he turned evil or something?
Lucy Hardcore
Burian, TN

Oh, Lucy, there you go again. The reason you cannot build a time machine is that you dropped out of high school in tenth grade, have no knowledge of physics and are as mechanically adept as a robot which has been specifically designed and programmed to not build time machines. The reason scientists cannot invent a time machine is that the amount of energy required to super-cool the magnets is greater than the energy produced by the functional wave generator.

Dear Montezuma,
I was recently in Paris and had a chance to peruse the permanent collection of the Musee de Louvre, which includes, of course, Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa. As I gazed at the rather modest creation behind all that bulletproof glass, a thought occurred to me: big schmeil. Sure it’s a decent painting, but I’ve seen better, arguably even by Leo himself. My question is who, when and why, decided that this was to be the most renowned work of art in the Western world?
Cosgrove Watt
Brooklyn, NY

Costco,
In 1808, the Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte conviened the first international Council d’Arts Internationale, which was attented by such notable artists and intellectuals as Rosber, Nitãn, Le Guardan, Miphon and Thomas Jefferson. Prince Klemens Wenzel von Metternich got so drunk at the opening ball that he stripped off all his clothes and was later found naked in a fountain. It is rumored that later that night, he and several others attempted to play croquet using flamingoes as mallets, in a scene which may have inspired Lewis Carrol to write Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. While many critics may scoff at Alice for being a childish yarn or a drug-induced tale, later critics have recognized it for its rich mathematical imagery. Thus, is it considered the most renowned work of literature in the Western world.

Montezuma’s Helpful Hints for the Automotive Enthusiast

There are many things one should not do with one’s automobile, whether it be of the car, truck, motored-cycle, or irregular variety. An entire class of things, in fact, revolves around sand. For instance, one should not coat one’s transmission in sand. Another bad thing to do is to fill up the seating area of your automobile with sand (because then you couldn’t get in). You may, of course, make colorful sand paintings on the hood of your car, but don’t expect any awards. You’re probably no good at it.

Ask Montezuma: Haduary 2007

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It’s the Anwer Man from Tenochtitlan

montezuma

Montezuma once spackled an entire wall
using only toothpaste. His favorite atomic
element is Neon but he also loves learning
about voles and foxes.

Dear Montezuma,
My girlfriend suffers from narcolepsy. Isn’t that neat? I thought so. That’s one of the reasons I started dating her. But, between bouts of drowsiness, she tells me that she feels objectified because of this. I can understand that. I told her what I was looking for was basically a warm mannequin that smelled good and she fit the bill. The fifth octave E-flat key on my piano is kind of sticky. Should I use WD-40 on that?
Nick L. Odeon
Kingston, Jamaica

Mr. Odeon, many interesting people throughout history have experienced the narcoleptic affliction descending upon them. Meriwether Lewis, I’ve heard tell, slept through the entirety of the Lewis and Clark expedition except for certain segments in Idaho where the local oxygen content of the air managed to create a foggy path out of his lethargy.

Dear Montezuma,
My best friend and I publish a magazine and I was wondering if you had some advice for me. You see, we differ about how the styling on letters should be. He thinks that the opening, body, and closing should have no spaces between them. I think that looks terrible, but he’s the guy who lays everything out. Even if I do put spaces between those things, he gets rid of them, even after I copy edit everything. How can I get him to do it the way that looks good?
Charles Sumner
Columbia, SC

CS, the Modern Language Association style guide clearly states that letters should be double-spaced throughout. However, the Chicago Manual of Style says that the opening, closing and body of a letter should have no spaces between them, as your co-editor currently does it. There is a third option, though. The Punxsutawney Association of Grammarians Guide to Style states that one should avoid letter-writing altogether and instead save up what one wishes to say until there is enough content to go forward with the publication of a monograph. I did this in my book Answering Phil: Responses to Phil Chaudhry of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Montezuma,
For once in my life I’d prefer to go through the day without being anxious about just about everything. I get upset about my coffee and whether it has too much sugar, if I sounded like an ass in my last email, whether I’m doing a good job, and on and on. Do you have any advice for a used watch salesman down on his luck?
Cherry Picard
North Umbridge, AC

My dearest Cherry, perhaps the best idea for you would be to get out of the watch business entirely. Perhaps become a grocery cashier. You see, no one really uses watches anymore. They’re an accessory and one that only highly-snooty persons use. However, grocery employees are always in demand because people must eat. There’s also a high turnover rate across the board, so there’s plenty of room to move up. You may need to relocate to somewhere where the stores are larger in order to suit someone of your talents, but that shouldn’t be difficult in nearby states such as Georgia or Mississippi which do not have the grocery store shortage currently present in Acadia.

Montezuma,
How much is a dead body worth on the American Stock Exchange?
Milton Baily
Mount Keegan, NB

That would depend upon the location of the body within the exchange. For instance, if it was on the floor, probably very little because it would be covered in those papers stock brokers throw around at work. Now, if it were in the vestibule, you could be talking about anything from $4-5 a pound.

Dear Montezuma,
This guy I used to work with here at the blood bank dropped me a line the other day. He wanted my help returning three pints of blood he stole from our office manager. I don’t know what to do. Should I help him or tell my office manager?
George Kawasaki
San Francisco, CA

George, I would wager that your office manager is well-aware that he is missing three pints of blood. The dizziness due to low blood pressure has probably been his first clue. To be honest, I am incredibly interested in how your former co-worker managed to siphon off 20% of your manager’s blood without his knowledge. With skills such as those, it would be most appropriate for your old work comrade to perhaps have taken a job at the Central Intelligence Agency or some other covert government institution. He may even be of interest to various enmobulated criminal enterprises. If your former officemate is, in fact, a vampire, I wouldn’t be surprised that the office manager has not noticed his blood loss as vampires do not exist.

Dear Montezuma,
I am a lesbian and I would like to meet a new woman who can share my life with me. My second-biggest stumbling block is the fact that I am a man. Can you help?
Chax McSorely
St. Johns, Nova Scotia

Chaxy, gender and sexuality are such fluid terms. They shouldn’t be governed merely by the functional organs with which one was born. Seeing as this is true, have you considered sleeping with other lesbian men? Lesbian culture can be so finicky sometimes that it may be best to stick to your small corner of it.

Montezuma,
My downstairs neighbors enjoy the music of Stravinsky, but I hate Stravinsky. On the other hand I enjoy the music of Shostakovich and they hate Shostakovich. This makes being neighbourly a bit difficult when they’re blasting The Rake’s Progress or I have Symphony No. 7 (Opus 60) turned up all the way on my Dolby 5.1. Is there any way to resolve this?
James Carmel
Peoria, IL

One of the most common and best ways to resolve symphonic disputes between neighbors is the bassoon duel at dawn. Depending upon your level of proficiency, this may take some months to prepare for, but will solve the problem once and for all.

montys hints

Many actions in the house (or home) require the use of one repetitive motion or another. Sometimes these actions will require more than one at once! For instance, you have recently spackled several holes in your wall and now need to sand the affected area. Doing so will end up tiring your arm out in moments. As another example, if you need to scrub soap scum from your bathing tub, it will require a similar repetitive motion. What’s a busy home owner, renter, or leaser to do? Alternate which arm you use! That’s right, simply switching from the body part you’re using to an entirely different one can save you stress and/or injury.