Ask Montezuma: Tiberium 2007

It’s the Answer Man from Tenochtitlan


Montezuma was once an international superstar on the fishing lure design and manufacturing scene, but has been overshadowed in recent years by Sterling Peoples from the USA. He now decorates industrial bolts on Sundays.

Dear Montezuma,
How is it that fish can breathe underwater? I mean, there’s no air underwater, just water. Why aren’t they all dead?
Mike D
Brooklyn, NY

Dearest Miked,
Before I commence a response to your question, I do believe it behooves you to examine whales, which are the largest of all extant fish. Recent shoddy research may hint at an even larger fish, the megaloecanth, which likely became extinct sometime around one hundred million years ago. Needless to say, you won’t be finding megaloecanth batter dipped and deep fried down at the Red Lobster. After all, each of its kidneys was the size of a helicopter.

Dear Montezuma,
Currently, I am interested in two different women. One is, I think, much better suited to my personality and we get along really well. But the other one is way, way hotter. Worst still is that they’re sisters. What should I do?
Rob Godfrey
Pensacola, FL

I disagree with your statement that one sister is “way, way” hotter than the other. Unless these were only half-siblings, they should have a near identical genotype and closely related phenotypes, therefore one might be hotter than the other, but could certainly not be “way,” much less “way, way,” hotter than the other. Genetics thus ruled aside, we can say the relative hotness of these women is caused by nurture, not by nature. The other one must actually just be dressing or presenting in a more sexually proactive way, a style laymen refer to a smutty. the answer is simple, just convince the one with a good personality to start dressing like a call girl.

Dear Montezuma,
My airplane is about to crash. Which control opens the flaps?
Martina Damage,
Vestibule, OH

So good to hear from you again. On planes manufactured domestically from 1934-2003, the flap control controls the flaps state. On later models or foreign designs, consult your aircraft manufacturer. Give my love to Mitch and the girls.

Dear Montezuma,
So, as most of my friends (including Bobby, Stu and Tommy, also Geoffery, Abigail, Belinda, Mike and Def, and the downtown gang; Marissa, Mandy, Mike and Fred and Blue Face Pete) know I like geography. If it’s called “The United States,” doesn’t visiting one mean that you have visited them all?
Fleming Roatblok
East Prussia, NV

Flemmie, contrary to what today’s mathematically-educated advertisement executives throw into a multitude of commercials, not everything occasions a transitive property. For instance, there is no transitive property of whales. Captain Ahab never shouted to his crew that he needed to get any old whale. Oh no, only the white one would do. Geography is like whales.

Hey Monty,
I was listening to Bach’s “Passacaglia & Fugue in C minor” the other day and I wanted to know if you thought Bach was a showoff for putting the Fugue part in. Also, do you prefer the Ormandy or the Stokowski orchestration?
Brian Brinehold
Neolapatopolis, NJ

B.B. If anyone is attempting to be a showoff in this situation, it is you. You might even have succeeded were you to have made mention of the organ recording made of this work by Michael Murray on the Methuen Organ.

Dear Montezuma,
Why can’t you build a time machine and then go back and make it so that JFK was never assassinated? or you know, kill Hitler before he turned evil or something?
Lucy Hardcore
Burian, TN

Oh, Lucy, there you go again. The reason you cannot build a time machine is that you dropped out of high school in tenth grade, have no knowledge of physics and are as mechanically adept as a robot which has been specifically designed and programmed to not build time machines. The reason scientists cannot invent a time machine is that the amount of energy required to super-cool the magnets is greater than the energy produced by the functional wave generator.

Dear Montezuma,
I was recently in Paris and had a chance to peruse the permanent collection of the Musee de Louvre, which includes, of course, Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa. As I gazed at the rather modest creation behind all that bulletproof glass, a thought occurred to me: big schmeil. Sure it’s a decent painting, but I’ve seen better, arguably even by Leo himself. My question is who, when and why, decided that this was to be the most renowned work of art in the Western world?
Cosgrove Watt
Brooklyn, NY

In 1808, the Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte conviened the first international Council d’Arts Internationale, which was attented by such notable artists and intellectuals as Rosber, Nitãn, Le Guardan, Miphon and Thomas Jefferson. Prince Klemens Wenzel von Metternich got so drunk at the opening ball that he stripped off all his clothes and was later found naked in a fountain. It is rumored that later that night, he and several others attempted to play croquet using flamingoes as mallets, in a scene which may have inspired Lewis Carrol to write Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. While many critics may scoff at Alice for being a childish yarn or a drug-induced tale, later critics have recognized it for its rich mathematical imagery. Thus, is it considered the most renowned work of literature in the Western world.

Montezuma’s Helpful Hints for the Automotive Enthusiast

There are many things one should not do with one’s automobile, whether it be of the car, truck, motored-cycle, or irregular variety. An entire class of things, in fact, revolves around sand. For instance, one should not coat one’s transmission in sand. Another bad thing to do is to fill up the seating area of your automobile with sand (because then you couldn’t get in). You may, of course, make colorful sand paintings on the hood of your car, but don’t expect any awards. You’re probably no good at it.

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