Entertainments for Children and the Mentally Infirm

Posted on September 20, 2003 by Jeremy Rosen

Hey kids, don’t be bored this summer! Axes & Alleys has tons of fun stuff for you to do!

Currently the twenty-three and one half degree axial tilt of the planet Earth has produced a situation wherein our Northern Hemisphere is tilted toward the Sun. This is known as “Summer.” During this period children are free from the drudgeries of scholastic endeavor, harvesting and sweat-shop factory work. This can produce idleness, which poisons young minds. Thus, we present here an inventory of wholesome activities to ensure that children remain active and free from the temptations of Satan and his countless demonic minions.

Visit a local Petting Zoo. There you can see neat animals like sheep and goats. You can then inquire about employment opportunities. They may have an opening and you can spend your summer with animals, shoveling their waste.

Find a stray dog and adopt it. Give it a funny name and teach it some tricks. Then, using a wood chopping axe, slaughter the dog, skin and gut it. Then cook and eat it. You get a fine meal and get to learn new things about other cultures, such as what real Chinese food tastes like.

Get together a few friends and form a club. A fun type of club is the Detective Club. You get to have a clubhouse, hold cool meetings and spy on your parents and neighbors. Be sure to report any suspicious activity to the police.

Or, you could spend a rainy afternoon at the local library and formulate a working Unified Field Theory.

The fun never stops with Axes & Alleys!

Ask Montezuma: September 2003

Posted on September 20, 2003 by Delores Grunion

Each month, Montezuma brings you the finest in advice column entertainments from his home offices at the Albigensian Daily Register.

Montezuma: Retaliates against Westerners
via gastro-intestinal infections.

Dear Montezuma,
I am a simple farmer, trying to eke out a living in rural Kansas. Recently, my wife and I were shocked to discover that our son is gay. While we still love him and care for him, we can’t accept his idea that this is just his natural thing and not some rebellion phase he’s just going through. What is the best time of year to plant butter beans?
Farmer And Grower of Different Agricultural Disciplines

Mine dearest FAG DAD,
The first proposition I would make to you is that of not smoking. Dying of lung cancer earlier than the Gods demand is indubitably a way in which to fail at the planting, growing and harvesting of butter beans. Butter beans, the succulent legume which is a favorite upon tables of all classes, are best planted at the same time of year as butternut squash. You should plant them at this time, lest the iniquities of your existence prevail upon the shining brightness that was your spirit.

Dear Montezuma,
I am at my wits’ end trying to get my six year old son Billy and his eight year old sister Lilly to eat their vegetables. We’ve tried everything, including bolting them to Renaissance torture devices while force-feeding them, knocking them out with high voltage tazers and then hooking them up to IV feeders, as well as simple bludgeoning with hammers. But nothing works. Is there any way I can get these kids to eat?
My Overt Mission Is Simply Enforcing Vital Ingestion Laws

Dear MOM,
You may get more success in killing your children by proceeding as my ancestors did and sacrificing your children upon an altar to the Gods. Separating the living heart from the body pleases the Gods and brings blessings to your family and nation.

Dear Sirs,
In reading your magazine, I have come across several insulting references to needle-nosed pliers of the small variety. I feel the need to call attention to these egregious and toolist remarks. You said, and I quote, “needle-nosed pliers of the small variety only have one join.” It is incredibly bigoted to present the needle-nosed pliers community as a monolithic entity. Some of us have two joins.
Regards,
Joseph P. Joseph, Buggy Whip Salesman

Jo-Jo, dear boy,
If you’ll refer to the United States Department of Agriculture’s annual Definitions, Uses, Modification and Construction of Common, Less-Common and Obscure Tools for Use in Home, Farm, Automobile and Carpentry Construction and Repair (1999), you’ll see that needle-nosed pliers contain one join.

Dear Montezuma,
Why is it that when I get up in the morning I have to urinate a lot, but later in the day, I must wear trousers? This is killing me, seriously. Please respond ASAP.
Sort of Confused and Ambivalent Man

Dearest SCAM,
The reasons why you must urinate much in the morning and wear trousers later in the day are many. A precedent was set according to the Trouser and Urination Act of 1674 wherein urination and trousers were intimately linked. This, in turn, was based on the Roman Senate’s first proclamation as a rule making body, ordering that “exeunt pacem trouseri urea locum locus.” I’m sure this has cleared up a grand mystery for you, SCAM. May good fortune follow you throughout your life.

Make sure to check back next month for more advice from Montezuma.

This Month’s Recipe

Posted on September 20, 2003 by Delores Grunion

Mmm…Everyone loves a hot stack of pancakes, but did you know that you can make pancakes any time you want? How delicious.

Basically, pancakes are composed of base-proteins (large molecules composed of one or more chains of amino acids), lipids (long chains of poly-bonded hydrogen, carbon, and oxygen) and carbohydrates (a compound or molecule that is composed of carbon, oxygen and hydrogen in the ratio of 2H:1C:1O).

Using any basic matter as a starting material, you can begin making your pancakes. First, separate the molecular constituents of your starter matter using any advanced particle accelerator. With collisions, you should be able to separate the matter into its component atoms. Be sure to channel the atoms you need to a Penning trap or a Ioffe-Pritchard trap, depending on what’s available.

Next, use a magnetic field generator (class VI or higher) to carefully arrange the separated atoms into the desired molecules, taking care to note the appropriate use of chemical, covalent and hydrogen bonds.

With a supercomputer, such as the Cray, you can create a molecular mapping program to help you properly understand the exact way to create particularly complicated molecules such as the polysaturated lipid chains as well as complex sugars such as fructose. Try not to let that pesky Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle get in your way.

Once you have created the molecules you will need, consult or create genome maps for bovines, poultry fowls and wheat. These genome maps will allow you to form the molecules into proper cellular structures using an electron microscope and electrically charged probes. Then, simply create the pancakes by pushing the molecules along a magnetic plate with your handy probe.

Be sure to heat your pancakes before eating and don’t forget the syrup. Yummy!

Helpful Hints for Protesters

Posted on September 20, 2003 by Jeremy Rosen

For trendy individuals engaging in protests against globalization, war, et cetera.

1. Standing around yelling does not effect credulous change in society.
2. Puppetry will not create a workable interest rate.
3. Communist flag waving makes one appear East German, not proactive.
4. Gay groups do not have to be included in a social protest because they?’re gay.
5. The trash left behind after a large protest does not further your environmental cause.
6. Great knowledge of French agricultural law does not make you egalitarian.
7. Street corner preaching never solved anything.
8. Megaphones use energy, a simple paper cone will do.
9. Non-bathing is not a philosophical platform; further, it?s less likely for people to approach and listen.
10. The Military Industrial Complex will not change its goals regardless of how clever, catchy or funny the slogan on your sign.

Ask Montezuma: August 2003

Posted on August 20, 2003 by Delores Grunion

Answers from Everyone’s Favorite Aztec Monarch

Each month, Montezuma brings you the finest in advice column entertainments
from his home offices at the Albigensian Daily Register.

Montezuma: Aztec monarch and all-around
handsome fellow.

Dear Montezuma,
My brother Charles keeps stealing my hammer. I don’t know what he does with it, but Mother insists that I leave him alone. She says he’s different and I should accept his strange hammer usage. I say it’s my hammer and he should leave it alone. What do you think?
Sincerely,
Pepin, Croix de la Croix, France

My dearest Pepin,
When considering the ineffable, one must take to heart the ideals of incontrovertibility inherent in any such quest of the mind. Often one can discern a pattern where others see none, or one sees no pattern where others do. In the sanctity of all life (except that of official sacrifices) there are many hidden secrets, some which may relate to hardware. I advise you to search the metaphysical and theological implications of your hammer. You will find the answer you seek there.

Dear Montezuma,
The local organizing committee of the Southeastern Representatives Organization is having its annual meeting as a barbecue, rather than as an official policy making body. I have railed against this again and again in the Organizational Organizing Sub-Committee, however everyone seems up for a barbecue and will hear nothing to the contrary. How can I turn them to my ideas?
Yours truly,
My Remains Pepper Residential Exits Soiled In Deep Northern Terrain.

Mr. President,
I kindly ask that you no longer communicate with this established column. Your vague entreaties on matters of State have no place in this column. This is why you have a Cabinet, sir. The ontological place of The Presidency has no bearing in this Nationally Famous and Syndicated journalistic endeavour. We help People, not Offices.