How to Accomplish Noteworthy Things
HOW TO CURE CANCER
HOW TO CONQUER THE WORLD
HOW TO COLONIZE THE GALAXY
HOW TO LEAD A FULL, HAPPY LIFE
To create a more dignified and gentlemanly name for yourself, simply pick one name from each of the columns below. Then, using your selections, go to your local Department of Motor Vehicles and get a new Driver’s? License bearing that name. Then enjoy life more fully. It really is just that simple. Continue reading
Each month, Montezuma brings you the finest in advice column entertainments from his home offices at the Albigensian Daily Register.
Montezuma: Eponym of the City of Montezuma, GA.
Would you like to Ask Montezuma? Just click here.
Dear Montezuma,
Several days ago I found myself in the commission of the act of formulating and then speaking words which when strung together into a sentence, the information communicated by which was of a non-truthful nature. I now find myself deeply troubled. Are my pantaloons going to spontaneously burst into flames?
Richard Millhouse Nixon
RMN,
I find myself cognosticating on your name. RMN…that’s neither clever nor meaningful. A note to all readers. In the future please have clever and/or sanctimonious names. This column has many features, not the least of which being the entertainment of myself. RMN has no ring, no zest, no joie de crustacean. This is a problem I have focused on with all of this week’s writers. You’ll notice not a one of them could possibly entertain me.
Dear Montezuma,
Recently, whilst attending a conference of Esperanto Haiku writers in a town far from my home, I became very lonely and sought solace in the arms of a harlot. This indiscretion fills me with guilt, for it exists as a direct betrayal both of my wife of seven years and of the vows we made before God and our assembled witnesses. So, you can see, I am left in a very troubling ethical predicament which only you can solve by answering my question; what is the proper tip to leave for a lady of the night?
Gary Hart
GH,
In some instances prostitutes, or their modern populist moniker “hos,” do not need to be tipped. If one hires a “ho” for an evening of philosophical and intellectual exchange, a tip may not be required at all. The same may go for oral or anal intercourse. The action is its own reward for your little harlot.
On the other hand, sexual congress with members of the Sex Workers Union International involves a gratuity of seven percent or more as the completion of any transaction. This may be rather inexpensive (in the case of a handjob and the chance to feel the Sex Worker Class II’s tits) or quite costly (two or more positions from both Asian and Central African sex manuals, mild bondage and water sports with a Sex Worker of any Supervisory Class or higher).
Any working woman with which it is indicated you must make an appointment is likely of the Brothel Stewardess level. In such instances a gratuity of 13 percent is included as per Contract 64-j-P3 and it’s last modification in 1998.
Otherwise, the tip is at your discretion with Sex Worker Class IA and any freelancers or contractors you may encounter. Remember, a tip is always polite, but tip your conscience.
Dear Montezuma,
Last year I was attempting to execute the operation of a far-reaching war in order to put down a rebellion by several of the territories of the nation over which I preside. During this time I made the difficult decision to suspend the Writ of Habeas Corpus in a territory of indeterminate loyalty. Do you believe this will lead to a decreased level of popularity amongst the future populace of my nation, or do you believe that my pragmatically chosen moral stance and determination to keep the country geographically intact will override my violation of loyalist freedoms, leaving me revered as a great statesman?
Abraham Lincoln
Abe,
As dearest mother mine used to speak unto me, “You gotta keep real to yourself yo!” Her message of self-esteem and pride in one’s accomplishments has served me well through several decades of wonderment, indecision, doubt and peer pressure.
The same ideal could be applied aptly to you, dear Abe. A relative of secondary generational distance used to encourage me to “represent.” I also encourage you to participate in this representation.
Only with forthright fortitude and veracity to yourself will you be able to accomplish that which you desire. Do not dwell upon the legacy which unhygienic masses might claim for you in the future.
Dear Montezuma,
I believe that the Gold Standard is ruining the nation by disadvantaging Western and Southern farmers in order to benefit Eastern banking and shipping interests. I have therefore decided to run for the Presidency of the United States in order to correct this injustice. In order to do so, I have decided to create a political party in order to further these ends. Do you think the better name would be “The Greenback Labor Party” or “The Wetback Labor Party?”
James Weaver
James, James, James,
Choosing a name for your party of politics certainly expresses something to the public. The name should be succinct yet descriptive, clever but not gauche, subjective yet objective, and most importantly catchy.
Many politicians choose names of vigor and strength for their parties, like James Corpuscle’s Left Testicle Party or Norman Alberswith’s Hair On Chest Party. Theodore Roosevelt once came up with such a name, but my researchers have been lazy as of late.
In this month’s Ask Montezuma, I will generously take the time to answer some correspondence I have received over the past weeks regarding various answers which have been given by this columnist to sundry readers of the article who have chosen to write in. And so, on to the letters. -Monty Z
Montezuma: Lost his empire to men
with belts, blunderbusses and beards.
Dear Montezuma,
I protest vehemently your response to Pepin in Issue 17’s Ask Montezuma column. Clearly the vicissitudes of post-modern sibilant exhalation have cast their pall upon your cultured brow. Heartily I suggest that your cephalic area be removed from your duodenal region henceforth.
Sal, Ontario, Canadia
Dear Sal, Ontario, Canadia,
The peripheral failings of your ideology occur once the philosophical failures of your reasoning begin to take shape. A secondary characteristic of such processes renders your genetic contribution to others null and void. Copulatory wonders must, inherently, escape your purview and logically remain outside your bailiwick. I refer you to my column in Issue 4 on the secondary nature of deity in the post-reformation Church.
Dear Montezuma,
I write to you in consternation at your response to FAG DAD (Issue 18, Ask Montezuma). Your description of the proper time at which to plant butter beans was wholly inadequate and, quite possibly the worst part, incorrect. Butter beans should be planted at the same time as chick peas (more commonly known as garbanzo beans) and preferably near them as well.
Abraham Q. Wellingsworth, Adm.
Dear Abe,
I’m afraid I must disagree with your presumption of agricultural expertise. Apparently you are ignorant of the many latitudes the flat plane of the Earth encompasses. FAG DAD was a reader from Bedmont Fieldston, clearly in a latitude more amenable to the planting of butternut squash than garbanzo beans (more commonly known as chick peas). I suggest you pick up a copy of Montezuma on Gardening ($19.98) at your earliest convenience.
With Regular Commentator Lemuel LeBratt
This week’s Slow Torture Tutorial with LeMuel LeBratt has been indefinitely postponed. This week we offer you a replacement column instead, authored by Mrs. Marcia Mountbatten, Esq. Mrs. Esq. is a famous expert and knower of all things mechanical.
In this column, Mrs. Esq. will instruct you on how to construct a mechanical automaton and perhaps also how to make it function. This automaton will be able, with little effort, to maintain the appearance of the home, yard and vestibule.
It will perform laundering tasks, of both clothing and money. Our mechanical automaton will function as your own personal in-home certified public accountant and banker. Feel free to leave your money with him.
Also explored in this week’s column, how a mechanical automaton can service you, including: oral sexual relations, anal sexual relations and other forms of physical pleasure.
STEP ONE
Conversely, we will also explore how your new mechanistical man will be able to slowly torture your political enemies, personal enemies and neighbours. Pesky problems will vanish instantaneously with torture!
Never before seen images of the nefarious, home constructed being will be shown to you, along with easy to follow instructional panels relating to construction and maintenance.
Well, we hope you enjoyed this month’s “How To Column,” be sure to check back next month when regular commentator LeMuel LeBratt returns from his vacation in the beautiful land of Esperon.
STEP TWO: PROJECT COMPLETE