To create a more dignified and gentlemanly name for yourself, simply pick one name from each of the columns below. Then, using your selections, go to your local Department of Motor Vehicles and get a new Driver’s? License bearing that name. Then enjoy life more fully. It really is just that simple. Continue reading
With Regular Commentator Lemuel LeBratt
This week’s Slow Torture Tutorial with LeMuel LeBratt has been indefinitely postponed. This week we offer you a replacement column instead, authored by Mrs. Marcia Mountbatten, Esq. Mrs. Esq. is a famous expert and knower of all things mechanical.
In this column, Mrs. Esq. will instruct you on how to construct a mechanical automaton and perhaps also how to make it function. This automaton will be able, with little effort, to maintain the appearance of the home, yard and vestibule.
It will perform laundering tasks, of both clothing and money. Our mechanical automaton will function as your own personal in-home certified public accountant and banker. Feel free to leave your money with him.
Also explored in this week’s column, how a mechanical automaton can service you, including: oral sexual relations, anal sexual relations and other forms of physical pleasure.
STEP ONE
Conversely, we will also explore how your new mechanistical man will be able to slowly torture your political enemies, personal enemies and neighbours. Pesky problems will vanish instantaneously with torture!
Never before seen images of the nefarious, home constructed being will be shown to you, along with easy to follow instructional panels relating to construction and maintenance.
Well, we hope you enjoyed this month’s “How To Column,” be sure to check back next month when regular commentator LeMuel LeBratt returns from his vacation in the beautiful land of Esperon.
STEP TWO: PROJECT COMPLETE
Hey kids, don’t be bored this summer! Axes & Alleys has tons of fun stuff for you to do!
Currently the twenty-three and one half degree axial tilt of the planet Earth has produced a situation wherein our Northern Hemisphere is tilted toward the Sun. This is known as “Summer.” During this period children are free from the drudgeries of scholastic endeavor, harvesting and sweat-shop factory work. This can produce idleness, which poisons young minds. Thus, we present here an inventory of wholesome activities to ensure that children remain active and free from the temptations of Satan and his countless demonic minions.
Visit a local Petting Zoo. There you can see neat animals like sheep and goats. You can then inquire about employment opportunities. They may have an opening and you can spend your summer with animals, shoveling their waste.
Find a stray dog and adopt it. Give it a funny name and teach it some tricks. Then, using a wood chopping axe, slaughter the dog, skin and gut it. Then cook and eat it. You get a fine meal and get to learn new things about other cultures, such as what real Chinese food tastes like.
Get together a few friends and form a club. A fun type of club is the Detective Club. You get to have a clubhouse, hold cool meetings and spy on your parents and neighbors. Be sure to report any suspicious activity to the police.
Or, you could spend a rainy afternoon at the local library and formulate a working Unified Field Theory.
The fun never stops with Axes & Alleys!
Mmm…Everyone loves a hot stack of pancakes, but did you know that you can make pancakes any time you want? How delicious.
Basically, pancakes are composed of base-proteins (large molecules composed of one or more chains of amino acids), lipids (long chains of poly-bonded hydrogen, carbon, and oxygen) and carbohydrates (a compound or molecule that is composed of carbon, oxygen and hydrogen in the ratio of 2H:1C:1O).
Using any basic matter as a starting material, you can begin making your pancakes. First, separate the molecular constituents of your starter matter using any advanced particle accelerator. With collisions, you should be able to separate the matter into its component atoms. Be sure to channel the atoms you need to a Penning trap or a Ioffe-Pritchard trap, depending on what’s available.
Next, use a magnetic field generator (class VI or higher) to carefully arrange the separated atoms into the desired molecules, taking care to note the appropriate use of chemical, covalent and hydrogen bonds.
With a supercomputer, such as the Cray, you can create a molecular mapping program to help you properly understand the exact way to create particularly complicated molecules such as the polysaturated lipid chains as well as complex sugars such as fructose. Try not to let that pesky Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle get in your way.
Once you have created the molecules you will need, consult or create genome maps for bovines, poultry fowls and wheat. These genome maps will allow you to form the molecules into proper cellular structures using an electron microscope and electrically charged probes. Then, simply create the pancakes by pushing the molecules along a magnetic plate with your handy probe.
Be sure to heat your pancakes before eating and don’t forget the syrup. Yummy!
For trendy individuals engaging in protests against globalization, war, et cetera.
1. Standing around yelling does not effect credulous change in society.
2. Puppetry will not create a workable interest rate.
3. Communist flag waving makes one appear East German, not proactive.
4. Gay groups do not have to be included in a social protest because they?’re gay.
5. The trash left behind after a large protest does not further your environmental cause.
6. Great knowledge of French agricultural law does not make you egalitarian.
7. Street corner preaching never solved anything.
8. Megaphones use energy, a simple paper cone will do.
9. Non-bathing is not a philosophical platform; further, it?s less likely for people to approach and listen.
10. The Military Industrial Complex will not change its goals regardless of how clever, catchy or funny the slogan on your sign.
