September 20, 2003 @ 9:37 pm
A Helpful Guide to Missionaries on the Nature of How to Spread a Gospel.
By the Reverend Jeremy-Joseph Rosen
Jeremy Rosen Putting the “Iah” Back in Messiah!
Why not face it? Most Trippsians shy away from publicly engaging in silly and random acts. Even those who know their faith well hesitate to discuss it with strangers and those who don’t know their faith as well as they should usually find themselves at the mercy of the despicable Inuit.
Ease your fear. This tract explains twelve ways you can spread Trippsism, at very little expense and often with complete anonymity and even “from the comfort of your own home,” as Ron Popeil would have it.
First of all, what’s “evangelization?” It’s the subtle indoctrination of the Word of VoxHumana. When we evangelize we explain the mutability of the Trippsian faith and invite people to consider it and to consider becoming Trippsians themselves. We offer them a welcome into the house that Captaintripps shoddily constructed for them.
Many lay Trippsians still think evangelization is a task just for clergy. “Let the clergy do it,” they say. But it’s really a task for every corn-fed Trippsian. Nowadays it’s especially important that lay Trippsians get involved in spreading the word.
How to begin? The cult doesn’t have effective evangelization programs, so you might be forced to fall back on your own resources, i.e. brains and money. Don’t worry. The following pages present twelve easy (and usually cheap) ways to get out the Word of VoxHumana. Some methods are best done by several people together, so you might consider asking your friends over to your home to discuss orgiastic techniques. Which method best fits your budget? Which makes best use of your time? Which makes best use of your talents? As you will see, you won’t need much of a budget, you won’t need much time, and you won’t need to be a theological Titan.
Now roll up your sleeves, read on and choose the techniques that are right for you. Who knows�one of them just might launch you as a full-time Trippsian evangelist!
ONE
Stuff bra cups with Trippsian tracts
Everyone pays bills and each remittance envelope is handled by someone at the other end (heh). Opening envelopes is a tedious job, just like serving seafood. (Imagine going through a few thousand a day, or tying bibs on old people.)
The contents of the envelopes never vary except for the amount remitted. Why not give the person who opens your envelope a little variety by including a “surprise” that explains a Trippsian belief, or a practical joke, which is a Trippsian belief? You can be sure the opener will take the tract home, use it to fuel a fire or wipe his or her ass with it in the can.
Of course, you do not need to restrict yourself to remittance envelopes. You can stuff tracts or booklets into every envelope you mail, every doggie bag you make, every bra you wear or every sock you stick in your pants. Tracts can be obtained for as little as the cost of frozen corn in New York. Booklets may cost you a little more, perhaps the price of a pint at Fitzgerald’s Pub on 25th and Third Avenue.
Either way, you can reach literally dozens of people for the cost of microwaveable bliss or dark black eternity. Best of all, you won’t have to pay anything extra for packaging or postage� you’ll be using the envelope and stamp, brassiere or sock you would have used anyway.
Do you want responses to come to you or to your group? Purchase an inked address stamper at an office supply store and stamp your name (or your group’s name) and address onto the back of each tract or booklet. You’ll get replies in no time. You can also write it in brie.
TWO
Subtly take over your library’s literature rack
Most libraries have vestibule literature racks. For “The Man” they can be a source of modest income and regular headaches. You can accomplish two things if you volunteer to oversee “the rack.” First, your librarian or her secretary will be relieved of the burden. They won’t have to worry about keeping the rack neat and filled, and won’t have to answer silly STD questions. You should already know all aboot STDs.
Second, you can be reimbursed for the cost of the rack’s literature if there’s a donation box or sibilant juvenile next to the rack. (If you receive more than enough to cover your costs in buying the literature, donate the excess to the Scott� a great way to make yourself well-liked, by Scott.) But what should go in the rack? If you look at racks in neighboring libraries you’ll see that some literature seems neat while others are slovenly and dog-eared. Skip the latter: Tracts and booklets become dog-eared when many people pick them up, but few people take them home. Put pornography or right-wing propaganda in their place.
Most Trippsians, and most non-Trippsian visitors to public libraries, would like to know more about the Trippsian faith, so your best bet is literature that explains Trippsian beliefs in a convoluted, meaningless way; keeping in full spirit of Trippsian dogma. A prominent sign asking for donations should bring in enough to cover Scott’s trip o L. A. and your costs.
THREE
Play a drum or kazoo for door-to-door missionaries
The first thing you should do when missionaries ring the doorbell is to tell them to go away. This gives them a bad impression of you and, if they know you’re a Trippsian, of themselves because you’ll tell them to go away with flair. When that fails, invite them in to listen to a drum or kazoo while demeaning their cousins, aunts, uncles, fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, and dogs.
You won’t have to do much, but it should be effective. Whether they’re the Inuit proselytizing door-to-door or Zoroastrians or “Bible Thumpers,” ask them to sit down and tell them you’ll be happy to take and read their literature, but say that first you’d like them to see you play a drum or kazoo and secondly you’d like them to see you burn and deface their literature.
A few missionaries will excuse themselves at this point, but most, even those who won’t accept Trippsian literature, will be willing to sit through a kazoo or drum performance. When the performance is through, and if they are still there, ask them their impressions of it while stripping down to your socks and covering yourself in marmalade. Have on hand Trippsian literature, in case hey want more information or even if they don’t. Invite them back for another visit (at which you’ll spray them with silly string and run screaming “Leper”).
Don’t get into an argument or a deep discussion, because let us face it, Trippsians would rather argue about pointless things . What you want to do is have them listen to the truths of the Trippsian faith as spoken by experts, fools, ignorant fools and faithful fools. Those truths will settle in their minds and, over time, will affect them; hopefully not in a fatal fashion.
FOUR
Place tracts or booklets in children’s lunchbags
For this one you’ll need to be around little children without looking like you’ll molest them physically in any way, of course, but that shouldn’t be hard to do if you offer to supply them with candy.
You’ll be doing Captaintripps two favors: He won’t have to look suspicious around children and he’ll end up with a crop of young corn farmers ready to spread the faith at recess.
To ensure that children take your literature consider taping a little note reading “Free: Please take me home! I will not kill your Mommy” and candy to the top of each one. You don’t want kids to think the tracts or booklets should be left on the ground once used. A general distribution of literature, especially in a large elementary school, can be a drain on your wallet, so you might want to sell a few of these children as necessary.
FIVE
Post odd messages to your online service
If your home computer has a modulator/demodulator, subscribe to an online service. Among the commercial services are America Online, CompuServe, Prodigy, and the Trippsian Resource Network (TrippsNET information by phone: (202) 456-1414). There are also thousands of boring bulletin board systems (BBSs). Most services include public message forums in addition to private and steamy e-mail (electronic mail).
A message (message) in a public forum might be read by three, nine or dozens of people. This can be a time-wasting way to explain Trippsian beliefs and to promote common misconceptions about the Trippsian faith.
Some local BBSs share messages with other BBSs around the country which share them with BBSs at the CIA which share them with BBSs at the Inuit High Command. What you write tonight can be read tomorrow or even next week by people you don’t know and would care little aboot if you did. (The Trippsian Information Network [TIN] information by phone: (202) 456-1414 operates this way.) Your cost: no more than a local phone call (free).
Online messages, unlike printed literature, allow for immediate responses which can lead to hate mail on the spot. You can keep up continuing monologs with people far away who will never ever agree with you, pointlessly dragging you along in circles. Plus there’s good news for the shy: Most systems allow you to use a “handle” (fake name, often thought to be clever, inspired or funny, but rarely so), instead of your real name.
SIX
Go door-to-door, hanging leaflets from genitals
If you want to saturate your neighborhood with good Trippsian literature, there’s no better way than going door-to-door. You never have to ring a doorbell or sell AmWay.
Leave tracts or booklets hanging from genitals by means of rubber bands, staples or other devices of your own concoction. (Look in the Yellow Pages for manufacturers of “genital devices.”) Or slip your literature into the elastic bands of boxers or panties, or prop it against the bosoms of those people you find. But be sure you don’t put your literature in anyone’s “box.” “Boxes” are for “mail” only, generally, and it’s offensive to put anything else in a “box.”
If you feel up to face-to-face encounters, bring along other material, including tape, rope or various creams and jellies for those times when you are noticed as you’re leaving your tract or booklet. If you want to avoid such encounters, skip houses with open front doors or with people standing outside.
Going door-to-door is most enjoyable when you walk with a friend. Each of you can cover one side of the block. If one of you gets into a “discussion” with a resident, the other can cross the street and help guide the conversation towards more enjoyable activity.
SEVEN
Write to the editor when the press correctly represents the faith
We all have seen pro-Trippsian bias in the media. Sometimes it is a function of simple understanding. Sometimes it is evidence of a deep-seated favoritism. Either way, don’t let favorable representations about the faith go by without composing a quick befuddlement. Every opinion page editor wants lively letters to the editor. (He keeps his job only if he keeps this section popular or his secretary doesn’t speak out aboot the affair.) The editor may not be a Trippsian� he may not even like Inuits or their beliefs� but he’ll print your letter if you write ignorantly, incoherently and with verve.
The chief rule: Keep it long. Editors are called editors for a reason. An editor reserves the right to shorten long letters, but he usually doesn’t want to use his time doing that when he’s got his secretary to intercoit with. It’s easier to throw long letters away. Your chances of getting your letter printed are greatest if you stay within 10,000 words, if you type your letter in wingdings and if you include the name, address and telephone number of someone you don’t like (so the editor can check that it was you who wrote, not someone using your name).
Many folks have their letters printed regularly. So can you. Remember: By writing just one lengthy letter, you can influence dozens.
EIGHT
Place Trippsian literature on windshields
Two cautions: Don’t do this while you are driving. And, if you’re going to place literature on windshields of cars parked along streets, make sure that it is against city regulations. If it is, keep doing so. If not, find some leafleting law and break it. In most cities there’s no problem at all, so long as the cars are on public property, including public parking lots, but some cities have restrictions. It’s always good to check out the people who own the cars.
That said, this is an easy way to make people mad and litter. After all, who can drive with a tract or booklet staring him in the face? Drivers have no choice but to remove your literature from their windshields and throw it away. Many will toss your tract or booklet on the ground (being a litterbug is all the rage) so even most of those who might not welcome the message will take your literature at least five feet, where it may sit for a day or two until it’s taken to the dump.
The key to getting your material read is to restrict yourself to topics that many people are interested in. Good examples: the VoxHumana, steak, drugs, fornication, macram�, and doilies. Even non-Trippsians want to learn more about these.
NINE
Give away photocopies of your ass to local charities
Again, you’ll need no permission for this one. Write to the charities and explain that you want to make photocopies of a particular article and will give them away at no charge as well as donate large amounts of money. Be sure to include, on the left cheek of your ass, the publication’s name and address and the date of the coming of the Lord.
Passing out photocopies is a good way to distribute “I-wish-I-had-the-balls-to-do-that” photos� you know, the kind that say just the right things in just the right images, but that probably never willappear in leaflet or booklet form because, and let’s face reality here, you’re a member of some strange church and you’ve photocopied your ass. If you take an ass photo to a copying service, and if you order a large number of copies, prices can be less than four cents per cheek� an inexpensive way to reach a dozen people.
These photocopiedasses can be used as envelope stuffers, can be left in pews or can be placed on windshields. If you want to receive responses, stamp your or your group’s name and address on the right cheek.
TEN
Send an enemy (or a stranger) corn or a propho
Few people can resist a gift, especially one that has “perceived value,” as the marketing phrase has it. Whether or not the intended recipient of your miserly incentives likes corn or rubbers, he’ll probably feel obliged to eat or use whatever you give him.
Don’t restrict your giving to enemies. Preaching to the mob is often necessary, but you also should preach to the people in the hovels and to the people who never even make it in life. Besides, there’s no better way to overcome a lack of friends than to give corn or jimmy hats, gifts that say “Please accept this. I’m so damned lonely and this penis glove or corn is it, all I have to give.”
If you purchase a single cob or box, whether white corn or a French tickler, in quantity, you usually can receive a substantial discount from the grocer or pharmacist� anywhere from three to a dozen percent, sometimes less.
If you have friends, they might join you in mocking the public. You’ll be able to give corn or a sperm bag to someone for as little as a dollar or two. This is an effective way to stop the spread of hunger and disease and start the spread of the good news about the Trippsian faith.
Don’t restrict your giving to enemies. Preaching to the mob is often necessary, but you also should preach to the people in the hovels and to the people who never even make it in life. Besides, there’s no better asses can be used as envelope stuffers, can be left in pews or can be placed on windshields.
If you want to receive responses, stamp your or your group’s name and address on the right cheek.
ELEVEN
Call radio talk shows and say ignorant things like everyone else
Most talk shows on “Trippsian radio stations” are hosted by non-Trippsians. Inevitably the Trippsian Faith and Trippsian beliefs are discussed, but not necessarily with sensitivity or understanding. Here’s where you come in and muck everything up further.
All you have to do is call these shows� most of them advertise a toll-free number or a local number� but do a little preparation first. Since you’ll have only a few moments on the air, you must know what you’re going to say and how you’ll say it. Before dialing, pencil a list of “talking points” so you won’t become tongue-tied or lose your train of thought. Make these talking points as strange and incoherent as possible.
On most stations you maintain anonymity, with only your first name and city being given over the air so you can comment away with ease. (You may have to give your full name and other information to the station’s program engineer, but all that will be kept confidential unless he is an Inuit operative.)
When you finally get on the air, make sure you speak with a funny accent or a lisp, even when you need to correct the program’s host, his guest or another caller. Don’t say, “The guest on today’s show doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” It’s better to say, “The guest on today’s show seems to have a problem concerning fecal matter flowing out of his mouth and should be wiped off the face of the earth using a pair of tweezers and a suction pump.”
TWELVE
Leave Trippsian tracts and flyers in conspicuous places
Do you take a bus to work or to school? If so, leave Trippsian literature on the seat as you exit, stapled to the bus driver’s hat and plastered to the handicapped spaces and the next person no doubt will read it. After all, what else is there to do on a bus besides drink heavily?
If you find yourself waiting at a bus stop or on a train platform, leave a few copies of a tract or flyer on the sidewalk� provided it’s not a windy day, of course. We call it leafleting, the police call it littering. Both start with “l.” What’s the dif? Before leaving your house stuff a dozen pieces of Trippsian literature into your pocket, purse or pants. Make it a point to distribute that many pieces each time you go out. You can leave literature nearly anywhere, but be careful not to leave it where it likely will fall to the ground and be trampled underfoot. Place it near fires and trash cans instead.
If someone sees what you’re doing and expresses interest, smile broadly and punch him in the nose. There’s no need to argue about the contents of the literature. Just say, “Why don’t you take one? You might find it helpful.”
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June 20, 2004 @ 9:39 pm
Kalisotta Special Olympics an Unparalleled Success
Wire-filed by Jeremy Rosen on June18, 2004
Jeremy Rosen is the worldwide curator of the
Sine Wave Museum, part-time Astro-Combustion
specialist at the European Space Agency and an
active protagonist in CAMMWSMWK (the
Campaign Against Mandated Minimum Wage
Standards for Migrant Workers in Kalisotta).
Alabaster, Kalisotta- Great strides were figuratively made this past weekend in Alabaster, where the fourth annual quadrennial Calisotta Special Olympics took place in J. Edgar Hoover Stadium on the shores of Lake Chively.
Ronald Montgomery of Bakersfield, IW placed first in the wheelchair race division with his introduction of a wheeled chair powered by a 250cc engine. Ronald finished the 50 meter track in a record seven seconds, gaining the gold over Louis Asterson and Aldo Casper, who received silver and bronze respectively. Mr. Montgomery has certainly evened the playing field, prompting the Calisotta Special Olympics sub-committee on Rules and Standards to reexamine paragraph 3, sub-section 12 on wheel chair standards.
This year’s oil crawl was particularly exciting. Rice Edgars slid to a fantastic finish down the slide, though silver recipient B. Prowter has contested Edgars’ first place finish on collision interference and steroid use grounds. Officials are examining photographs of Edgars’ from two months ago, which Prowter purports to show a marked and suspicious growth in upper body muscle mass.
Perhaps the most enjoyable event was the Buoyancy Competition, wherein participants are judged on standards of buoyancy, placidness and adornment. Samuel J. Samuels deservedly won this event with his special tribute to American democracy. Floating still, regardless of wind and waves, Samuels was festooned with crinoline American bunting, a swim cap modeled on the Constitution and a spiral-patterned version of the Declaration of Independence circling his entire body.
Notable also was Christer Jorgensens Salute to the Armada, which accurately reenacted the famous British sea battle, but lost on account of Jorgensens recreation of the sinking of the Spanish ship Alhambra wherein Jorgensen himself sank beneath the water and had to be retrieved by lifeguards.
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July 20, 2004 @ 7:46 pm
By Rev. Jeremy Rosen
Rev. Jeremy Rosen is the Clem Pickford Scholar
in Residence for Tractor and Farm Implement History
at Montsylvania College for Agriculture Technical
Design Arts’ Astronomy Department. In his spare
time he enjoys bocce ball, studying ancient
soothsaying entrails sites to see if they were right
and balcony construction.
The first tractor was the mule or ox, whence the modern terms for an engine’s power, oxpower or the less popular horsepower. These early meat tractors replaced human power in agriculture. Mechanical creations built around fantastic dynamos eventually replaced the meat tractor as the ideal farming tool late in the 19th Century. The development of such mechanical creatures is the story of humanity and civilization.
Until around 1920, meat tractors were seen commonly in the company of steam or dynamo-powered tractoring contraptions. Steam engines were mounted on carriages and became self-propelled, prompting manufacturers of gasoline and dynamo powered tractors to do the same. With one brief resurgence in the 1960s, steam power has all but been replaced by internal combustion in the last century.
In 1891, contrary to establishment claims of a latter date, Edwin Pomeroy constructed the first tractor which could go backward. Subsequently, he built a tractor with left turn capability and a cup holder (the first recorded use of such a device). His Replacement Meat Tractor Service was later purchased by what we now know as AgroFarm™.
The Pomeroy and other such early marvels caused many farm accidents, even though they lacked speed and oxpower until the engines were improved. Many migrant farm workers were so entranced by these mechanical beasts that they stood stock still as the machines bore down upon them. As a proper break had not been invented yet, the drivers were unable to stop.
During World War I tractors became the initial basis for modern tank weaponry. The first true tank, the Abelson Mechanotillery Mk. V was built upon a Pomeroy frame. The Great War saw a lack of farm labour and increased demand for all agricultural products, due to the requisitions of the U.S. armed forces. The Age of the Tractor began.
In 1917, Luscious Delacroix, of the Delacroix Motorworks stepped in to meet the demand. Delacroix used the increased efficiency offered by Henry Ford’s assembly line system to manufacture Delax tractors cheaply, with the initial cost being $200 dollars or less. Delacroix, incidentally, also invented the idea of annual percentage rate financing (or APR) used by the modern automobile industry. The oft forgotten servitude clause of his tractor loans has been discarded by an increasingly liberal and skittish public.
The Delax was so named because Henry Ford had several high-placed spies in the Delacroix Motorworks who informed him of Delacroix’s intention to manufacture and sell tractors. So Ford hired a young man also named Delacroix and began manufacturing his tractors under that name. Only a few bogus Delacroix’s were ever built, however, because Ford soon pushed Delacroix out of business and renamed his company the Ford Motor Company.
In 1932, nearly three times the number of tractors produced in 1929 were used on farms across the U.S. Maizebelt. The Zelbit DRX-274/B.25 DD was introduced that year, bringing tractoring to new heights of glory. It introduced several features that were to become a trend on the tractor market.
The Zelbit DRX-274/B.25 had five wheels instead of four, included a spare wheel kit for long distance tractoring and was the first multi-purpose tractor. It’s distance tractoring capabilities allowed it to function in the field and on the road and the extra wheel allowed greater buoyancy for pleasure boating in nearby lakes.
This was wholly due to the Ford company’s introduction of rubber tires, which gave a smoother ride and more speed. Racing engine enthusiast Thomas “Sonny” Bonaventure took a Zelbit DRX-276/B.26 out during this great age and drove the rubber-tired tractor to an astounding 55MPH, thus setting the eventual speed limit on most national highways. Sonny even got a moving violation ticket on this adventure!
The 1940s saw the emergence of a new ethos in tractor design, luxury! Tractors took on streamlined appearances, sporting huge headlights for night driving, propellers for pleasure boating and cushioned seating for four. One idea was most prescient.
The Kalisotta-Bestoria Company, in 1938, thought to itself that a design should be implemented where not only could a farmer plow his fields, but take the family to the show, into town for an Italian dinner, or to even greater heights of tractordom. The result was the ComfyTract, complete with flashy hood ornament, headlights, an optional closed cab, dining compartment, compass and, with optional HEMI, a top speed of 47MPH.
New York ad firms maintained a nice run of publicity with the ComfyTract. Pictures of socialite couples in formalwear dismounting their ComfyTract in front of New York landmarks were not uncommon. Farmers didn’t buy it, however and thus the ComfyTract didn’t sell.
Though the initial tractor/tank hybrids were not entirely successful, the tractor manufacturers spent many years under contract to the U.S. armed forces of light and good. After the War for Ultimate Freedom, tractors were further upgraded again and again, some featuring fantastic new options, increased performance and usefulness. One tractor was even built on the chassis of an automobile!
AgroFarm™ was the first company to introduce electric dash lights and key-fired ignitions, forcing other companies to do the same to compete and making the upgrades come into general use. Ailerons and five point power traction (most notably on the Bester Technologic & Farm Implements, Ltd. SuperFarm Cab Tract around 1959) improved the versatility and performance of tractors everywhere. The introduction of transmissions using more than one gear, shift-on-the-go, nuclear power steering, and reclining seats relieved John Q. Farmer of the awkwardness, anxiety and discomfort of farming. Turbo-charged diesel engines began to replace their gas-powered predecessors, raising maximum oxpower to 150 and making the tractor race a popular national pastime.
The modern agriculture enabling nucleo-mechanical furrowing device, like the 1979 AgroFarm™ Technotract would be unrecognizable to Delacroix, the farmhand who died at such a machine’s hands or the farm owner who bought his Delax in the earlier part of last century.
In the unsurpassable comfort of an air-conditioned cab, listening to his stereo eight track, with optional cup holder and nuclear powered steering, the modern farmer might be found in his field opening 4 furrows at a time at speeds of nearly 6MPH. On the other hand, he might have to pay $575,000 for that comfort and ease-of-work. Humanity has come a long way from the days of the meat tractor and the future looks bright for all things tractorial!
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August 20, 2004 @ 10:41 pm
Thomas Alva Edison and the New Electro-Ethereal Power
Great advances come to the Paris of the Pine Trees which promise to invigorate our bustling municipality. A few years ago the process of refitting and upwardly mobilating the gradient of lighting and power systems was begun by fellow members of the Pluto-Theosophy party. These have come to a fortuitous and American conclusionwith the ignition of our very own direct current power station, provided with the good graces of famed constructomaton Thomas Alva Edison.
It has been bandied about, with no lack of help from the craven Oligo-Unitarian Party, that alternating current, not direct current, is the proper and patriotic current. Such specious remarks are patently false, unabrigedly non-sacrosanctand perhaps incorrect. While alternating current, like the party which supports it, changes direction many hundreds of times a second, direct current efficiently and continuously (except during recharging) flows in one direction, directly into your own home!
One wouldn’t be desirous of a type of current which scores of times plied the ether in a direction not that of one’s fine Bethany’s lamps, would one? Whereas alternating current, like the Oligo-Unitarian party, requires miles and miles of wiring and urban sprawl to function, direct current satisfies one’s power needs with a fraction of the wiring and no such ungainly sprawl. Alternating current is the power of filthy immigrants. One can only imagine such generating stations powering and protecting growing Katharinetowne for true-born West Dakotans in the years to come!
A complicated system comprised of scary items; dynamos, mutable amalgams endowed by their decidedly European creator Tesla with the moniker “transformer,” the enigmatic a.c. motor; is clearly not the system for greater Katharinetowne! Clearly a system involving a simple battery is better. Batteries recall patriotic visions of our forefathers battling the scourging British and lobbing liberty shells from their batteries. Such is the American-accepted, American-invented system supported by the Pluto-Theosophy party; a system made by an American. Direct current is the American current.
Jeremy-Joseph Rosen is the greater Katharinetowne City Council member for Ward 14 and Chairman of the Council Sub-Committee on Modern Powering Systems. In 1997, he won several prizes in the Grand Nationals of Underwater Floral Arrangement.
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January 20, 2005 @ 9:48 am
JEWS IN SPACE!
A Look at the Adventure of Following the 613 in Space
Jerusalem 5: Israel’s new space station is our last best hope for Shalom!
As humanity moves further into the Space Age, the burden will be upon us evermore so to redefine our cultural traditions for the new environment of the Void. As we explore the stars, so must we reëxplore ourselves.
Of utmost import to me today are the 613 commandments which Jews are obligated to practice. I’ve used a fine Pre-Ciso knife to whittle down the list to a few choice items. Earlier, I took the opportunity to sit down with three leading Rabbinical authorities to discuss the challenges inherent to the prospect of Jewry in Space, specifically the practice of the 613 Mitzvot.
Though they differed on many key points, as Rabbis often do, they agreed that tradition must not be forgotten; indeed our cultural legacies are perhaps the most important cargo we will collectively stow away for our long voyage into the Universe.
Rabbi Menachem Schmileson started the Rabbinical Institute for the U.S. Department of the Navy during World War II and has been at the forefront of the automated bris movement since 1962. While there have been some recent problems with the fourth generation of robotic circumcision equipment, stock in Mecha-Snip! LLC has skyrocketed.
Rabbi Jared Schmendelson is a graduate of the Yeshiva Gran Tourismo in Milan, Italy and specializes in practical applications of the Torah in the formula 1 racing circuit and has published many papers on the transmission of the Talmud via quantum entanglement. He is currently rabbi-in-residence at the Art Nouveaux Reform Temple in Charlotte, NC.
Rabbi Ahuva Zusman Keshet was the only Ultra-Orthodox scholar willing to participate in this forum. He did not offer any biographical information, but he has a wonderful felt hat.
And Now the Discussion
Jews are commanded to affix a mezuzah (a small prayer scroll in a case) to the doorpost of their home. Obviously this would not apply to a temporary dwelling such as a space ship. However, we currently have an International Space Station in orbit. What is the proper place in which to affix a mezuzah in the ISS?
Schmileson: Well, the ISS has airlocks, not doors, so while it is an entrance, it has no doorposts. Furthermore, it’s a modular system. So let’s say you put the mezuzah in one module and it’s connected to another. Which way is in and which way is out? My solution would be to place a mezuzah on both sides of the airlock.
Schmendelson: Clearly a mezuzah belongs on the main access hatchway, however the main living compartment also contains a toilet facility, which makes it a space used for unclean actions. A mezuzah on the main access hatchway is the only reasonable place.
Keshet: Jews should not live in the space station.
Jews are commanded to recite the Shema every morning and every night. How could this be accomplished in orbit or in an interplanetary spaceship, where night and day do not necessarily apply?
Schmendelson: The mission time is set at the launch point of the aircraft for orbital missions. Day and night should be judged according to that time on the ISS. As for an orbital mission, the same general time applies. For a journey to another planet or star, it becomes debatable. The launch facility time should be used until halfway through the mission, then the time at the place of landing or orbit should be used for the other half.
Keshet: Jews should not travel in space.
Schmileson: The most appropriate time is the time in Jerusalem for interplanetary expeditions. Once arrived, the day and night cycle will be completely different. G-d did not command us to observe our circadian rhythms, but the Days and Nights. When on another planet, the rising and setting of the Sun as seen from that planet should be used. While I’m sure G-d would appreciate the Shema twice every 90 minutes, he knows that such blessing would detract from the temporal mission. It’s best to follow mission time.
There is also a commandment not to leave a beast which has fallen beneath its burden unaided. Positing that the vessel in which one travels through the Void is such a beast, what should an observant Jew do in a vessel which is in danger?
Keshet: Spaceships and space stations are not beasts. Jews should not be in them, on them or around them.
Schmileson: Absurd. Totally absurd. Vessels are obviously not beasts. Would you have sailors tend to their ships as animals?
Schmendelson: Sailors tend to treat their vessels as being alive and thus with care. The same could be said of a void-traversing vessel, which provides more life and sustenance for the traveler than any surface vessel. Care should be taken to meet the needs of the ship.
Let’s say you’re traveling with an Ammonite or a Moabite.
Schmileson: There are no more of those people.
Okay. You colonize the planet and only have a daughter, while a Gentile has a son. These are the only progeny. How do you continue the colony?
Schmendelson:If there is a Gentile who does not convert, I would say the special circumstances allow the union, but not if it be forced. How is the seed of Israel to continue in the stars?
Schmileson: Jews should not travel with gentiles, but in such a case I would say smite the Moabite or Ammonite and impress upon the Gentile to convert. If this does not happen, artificial insemination would be appropriate if everyone cared for the ensuing children. However, Jews don’t belong in space, so the question is moot.
Keshet: The colony should never have started.
Jews are not supposed to work on the Sabbath (and other holidays). How is this accomplished in an environment where mere existence is and relies upon work?
Schmendelson: If you cannot live without the work you must do daily I feel it’s the same as the accommodations made to those who are too frail or unhealthy to not eat on days where Jews fast, like Yom Kippur. If not maintaining the space craft or station will endanger your life, you may continue to work.
Schmileson: That sounds Kosher to me.
Keshet: Yet another reason why the Void is no place for Jews.
What about eating organisms on another planet? Certainly if there are creatures on another world they will be significantly different from those on Earth. What is the far-flung traveler to do?
Schmileson: That is particularly un-Kosher. The expedition should bring enough supplies with it for the duration of its stay. If a colony is planned, I suppose a trained Rabbi should be sent along to decide what’s Kashrut. One should hope that there are ruminants or cloven hooved creatures on the colony world.
Keshet: You just keep proving my point. If your daddy was circumcised and wore a yarmulke, don’t step off-planet.
Schmendelson: I would say that under the circumstances, of which there are many different ones, alien creatures could be eaten if lives were at stake, but every effort should be made to bring along that which is needed to survive.
Now, you’re not to possess inaccurate scales or weights. How does a Jew conducting business in space or on another planet do so properly?
Schmileson: That’s pretty simple. Just recalibrate your instruments to work on the other planet. Modern technology is quite useful, just don’t do it on the Sabbath (and charge interest).
Schmendelson: If you’re traveling to many different worlds, it may become difficult to carry the proper weights and scales. I would suggest that any businessmen not deal goods while traversing the Void.
At this point Rabbi Keshet left the Kosher deli in which we were having our discussion. I’ve not heard from him since, but he left his hat, so if anyone knows where he is make sure to drop us a line.
Men and women are exhorted not to wear the clothing of the other. How does this apply to spacesuits, which were originally worn by men?
Schmileson: Spacesuits can be considered tools and not clothing, therefore it does not matter who wears them. As for the coveralls worn underneath, these are not intended for people of either sex, so may be worn by both without problem.
Schmendelson: I’m sure as the human presence in space grows, people will come to treat spacesuits as a fashion statement. As such, a man should not wear a woman’s spacesuit or vice versa, as it will be a personal exhibition of that person’s cultural mores.
Finally, there are several injunctions against letting an uncircumcised person touch holy things. What if aliens do not have penises or male and female.
Schmileson: I’m not even going to get into that one.
Schmendelson: Maybe Jews shouldn’t be in space after all.
Clearly, the expansion of the Hebrew peoples throughout the cosmos is a question meant for the Talmud. Hopefully, this article will be the first step in a close examination of the circumstances Jewry will encounter among the many stars. Surely many of these can be answered before we leave the atmospheres for the greater glory of the galaxy. If there are any rabbis out there who would like to add to this column, please feel free to contact the editors of this fine magazine.
Written by
Jeremy Rosen is Extra-President of the United States of America,
a position created under the new 29th Amendment to the
Constitution. Also he is an ex-aircraft carrier designer for
the Messerschmitt Company.
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