Tag Archives: man

Jeremy Rosen Quick Hits

10 Ways to Kill a Man Using Broccoli

10. Blame broccoli for the death of his entire family, including his infant daughters, his teenage son, his wife, Cousin Bertie, Aunt Lou, Grandpa Cesar, Momma, and Joey the adopted kid.

9. It’s not really broccoli; it’s lard shaped, coloured, and flavoured like broccoli.

8. Every four weeks suggest he smells like it.

7. Find a man who is allergic to broccoli. Set him up to carry a large, heavy load across a roof top. That load will be made of broccoli. When he’s halfway across the roof he will become weakened by anaphylactic shock, dropping the heavy load of broccoli off the the roof and onto the man you wish to kill.

6. You could also just give a man extremely allergic to broccoli some broccoli to eat hidden in a sandwich.

5. For fifty years tell him broccoli is your favoured food, but never offer to help him prepare it for you. Criticize every dish.

4. Hide a nuclear-powered cassette player in his walls with a tape recorded full of whispered “broccoli.”

3. Always confuse broccoli for every other vegetable when you’re around him.

2. Invent an anti-aging serum. As the decades pass and he sees you continue to not age, he’ll ask you why. Tell him it’s 3 pounds of broccoli a day.

1. Stuff a lot of it down his throat until he chokes on it.