August 20, 2003 @ 7:50 pm
Answers from Everyone’s Favorite Aztec Monarch
Each month, Montezuma brings you the finest in advice column entertainments
from his home offices at the Albigensian Daily Register.
Montezuma: Aztec monarch and all-around
handsome fellow.
Dear Montezuma,
My brother Charles keeps stealing my hammer. I don’t know what he does with it, but Mother insists that I leave him alone. She says he’s different and I should accept his strange hammer usage. I say it’s my hammer and he should leave it alone. What do you think?
Sincerely,
Pepin, Croix de la Croix, France
My dearest Pepin,
When considering the ineffable, one must take to heart the ideals of incontrovertibility inherent in any such quest of the mind. Often one can discern a pattern where others see none, or one sees no pattern where others do. In the sanctity of all life (except that of official sacrifices) there are many hidden secrets, some which may relate to hardware. I advise you to search the metaphysical and theological implications of your hammer. You will find the answer you seek there.
Dear Montezuma,
The local organizing committee of the Southeastern Representatives Organization is having its annual meeting as a barbecue, rather than as an official policy making body. I have railed against this again and again in the Organizational Organizing Sub-Committee, however everyone seems up for a barbecue and will hear nothing to the contrary. How can I turn them to my ideas?
Yours truly,
My Remains Pepper Residential Exits Soiled In Deep Northern Terrain.
Mr. President,
I kindly ask that you no longer communicate with this established column. Your vague entreaties on matters of State have no place in this column. This is why you have a Cabinet, sir. The ontological place of The Presidency has no bearing in this Nationally Famous and Syndicated journalistic endeavour. We help People, not Offices.
Make sure to check back next month for more advice from Montezuma.
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September 20, 2003 @ 10:33 pm
Each month, Montezuma brings you the finest in advice column entertainments from his home offices at the Albigensian Daily Register.
Montezuma: Retaliates against Westerners
via gastro-intestinal infections.
Dear Montezuma,
I am a simple farmer, trying to eke out a living in rural Kansas. Recently, my wife and I were shocked to discover that our son is gay. While we still love him and care for him, we can’t accept his idea that this is just his natural thing and not some rebellion phase he’s just going through. What is the best time of year to plant butter beans?
Farmer And Grower of Different Agricultural Disciplines
Mine dearest FAG DAD,
The first proposition I would make to you is that of not smoking. Dying of lung cancer earlier than the Gods demand is indubitably a way in which to fail at the planting, growing and harvesting of butter beans. Butter beans, the succulent legume which is a favorite upon tables of all classes, are best planted at the same time of year as butternut squash. You should plant them at this time, lest the iniquities of your existence prevail upon the shining brightness that was your spirit.
Dear Montezuma,
I am at my wits’ end trying to get my six year old son Billy and his eight year old sister Lilly to eat their vegetables. We’ve tried everything, including bolting them to Renaissance torture devices while force-feeding them, knocking them out with high voltage tazers and then hooking them up to IV feeders, as well as simple bludgeoning with hammers. But nothing works. Is there any way I can get these kids to eat?
My Overt Mission Is Simply Enforcing Vital Ingestion Laws
Dear MOM,
You may get more success in killing your children by proceeding as my ancestors did and sacrificing your children upon an altar to the Gods. Separating the living heart from the body pleases the Gods and brings blessings to your family and nation.
Dear Sirs,
In reading your magazine, I have come across several insulting references to needle-nosed pliers of the small variety. I feel the need to call attention to these egregious and toolist remarks. You said, and I quote, “needle-nosed pliers of the small variety only have one join.” It is incredibly bigoted to present the needle-nosed pliers community as a monolithic entity. Some of us have two joins.
Regards,
Joseph P. Joseph, Buggy Whip Salesman
Jo-Jo, dear boy,
If you’ll refer to the United States Department of Agriculture’s annual Definitions, Uses, Modification and Construction of Common, Less-Common and Obscure Tools for Use in Home, Farm, Automobile and Carpentry Construction and Repair (1999), you’ll see that needle-nosed pliers contain one join.
Dear Montezuma,
Why is it that when I get up in the morning I have to urinate a lot, but later in the day, I must wear trousers? This is killing me, seriously. Please respond ASAP.
Sort of Confused and Ambivalent Man
Dearest SCAM,
The reasons why you must urinate much in the morning and wear trousers later in the day are many. A precedent was set according to the Trouser and Urination Act of 1674 wherein urination and trousers were intimately linked. This, in turn, was based on the Roman Senate’s first proclamation as a rule making body, ordering that “exeunt pacem trouseri urea locum locus.” I’m sure this has cleared up a grand mystery for you, SCAM. May good fortune follow you throughout your life.
Make sure to check back next month for more advice from Montezuma.
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October 25, 2003 @ 12:32 am
In this month’s Ask Montezuma, I will generously take the time to answer some correspondence I have received over the past weeks regarding various answers which have been given by this columnist to sundry readers of the article who have chosen to write in. And so, on to the letters. -Monty Z
Montezuma: Lost his empire to men
with belts, blunderbusses and beards.
Dear Montezuma,
I protest vehemently your response to Pepin in Issue 17’s Ask Montezuma column. Clearly the vicissitudes of post-modern sibilant exhalation have cast their pall upon your cultured brow. Heartily I suggest that your cephalic area be removed from your duodenal region henceforth.
Sal, Ontario, Canadia
Dear Sal, Ontario, Canadia,
The peripheral failings of your ideology occur once the philosophical failures of your reasoning begin to take shape. A secondary characteristic of such processes renders your genetic contribution to others null and void. Copulatory wonders must, inherently, escape your purview and logically remain outside your bailiwick. I refer you to my column in Issue 4 on the secondary nature of deity in the post-reformation Church.
Dear Montezuma,
I write to you in consternation at your response to FAG DAD (Issue 18, Ask Montezuma). Your description of the proper time at which to plant butter beans was wholly inadequate and, quite possibly the worst part, incorrect. Butter beans should be planted at the same time as chick peas (more commonly known as garbanzo beans) and preferably near them as well.
Abraham Q. Wellingsworth, Adm.
Dear Abe,
I’m afraid I must disagree with your presumption of agricultural expertise. Apparently you are ignorant of the many latitudes the flat plane of the Earth encompasses. FAG DAD was a reader from Bedmont Fieldston, clearly in a latitude more amenable to the planting of butternut squash than garbanzo beans (more commonly known as chick peas). I suggest you pick up a copy of Montezuma on Gardening ($19.98) at your earliest convenience.
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November 26, 2003 @ 10:51 pm
Each month, Montezuma brings you the finest in advice column entertainments from his home offices at the Albigensian Daily Register.
Montezuma: Eponym of the City of Montezuma, GA.
Would you like to Ask Montezuma? Just click here.
Dear Montezuma,
Several days ago I found myself in the commission of the act of formulating and then speaking words which when strung together into a sentence, the information communicated by which was of a non-truthful nature. I now find myself deeply troubled. Are my pantaloons going to spontaneously burst into flames?
Richard Millhouse Nixon
RMN,
I find myself cognosticating on your name. RMN…that’s neither clever nor meaningful. A note to all readers. In the future please have clever and/or sanctimonious names. This column has many features, not the least of which being the entertainment of myself. RMN has no ring, no zest, no joie de crustacean. This is a problem I have focused on with all of this week’s writers. You’ll notice not a one of them could possibly entertain me.
Dear Montezuma,
Recently, whilst attending a conference of Esperanto Haiku writers in a town far from my home, I became very lonely and sought solace in the arms of a harlot. This indiscretion fills me with guilt, for it exists as a direct betrayal both of my wife of seven years and of the vows we made before God and our assembled witnesses. So, you can see, I am left in a very troubling ethical predicament which only you can solve by answering my question; what is the proper tip to leave for a lady of the night?
Gary Hart
GH,
In some instances prostitutes, or their modern populist moniker “hos,” do not need to be tipped. If one hires a “ho” for an evening of philosophical and intellectual exchange, a tip may not be required at all. The same may go for oral or anal intercourse. The action is its own reward for your little harlot.
On the other hand, sexual congress with members of the Sex Workers Union International involves a gratuity of seven percent or more as the completion of any transaction. This may be rather inexpensive (in the case of a handjob and the chance to feel the Sex Worker Class II’s tits) or quite costly (two or more positions from both Asian and Central African sex manuals, mild bondage and water sports with a Sex Worker of any Supervisory Class or higher).
Any working woman with which it is indicated you must make an appointment is likely of the Brothel Stewardess level. In such instances a gratuity of 13 percent is included as per Contract 64-j-P3 and it’s last modification in 1998.
Otherwise, the tip is at your discretion with Sex Worker Class IA and any freelancers or contractors you may encounter. Remember, a tip is always polite, but tip your conscience.
Dear Montezuma,
Last year I was attempting to execute the operation of a far-reaching war in order to put down a rebellion by several of the territories of the nation over which I preside. During this time I made the difficult decision to suspend the Writ of Habeas Corpus in a territory of indeterminate loyalty. Do you believe this will lead to a decreased level of popularity amongst the future populace of my nation, or do you believe that my pragmatically chosen moral stance and determination to keep the country geographically intact will override my violation of loyalist freedoms, leaving me revered as a great statesman?
Abraham Lincoln
Abe,
As dearest mother mine used to speak unto me, “You gotta keep real to yourself yo!” Her message of self-esteem and pride in one’s accomplishments has served me well through several decades of wonderment, indecision, doubt and peer pressure.
The same ideal could be applied aptly to you, dear Abe. A relative of secondary generational distance used to encourage me to “represent.” I also encourage you to participate in this representation.
Only with forthright fortitude and veracity to yourself will you be able to accomplish that which you desire. Do not dwell upon the legacy which unhygienic masses might claim for you in the future.
Dear Montezuma,
I believe that the Gold Standard is ruining the nation by disadvantaging Western and Southern farmers in order to benefit Eastern banking and shipping interests. I have therefore decided to run for the Presidency of the United States in order to correct this injustice. In order to do so, I have decided to create a political party in order to further these ends. Do you think the better name would be “The Greenback Labor Party” or “The Wetback Labor Party?”
James Weaver
James, James, James,
Choosing a name for your party of politics certainly expresses something to the public. The name should be succinct yet descriptive, clever but not gauche, subjective yet objective, and most importantly catchy.
Many politicians choose names of vigor and strength for their parties, like James Corpuscle’s Left Testicle Party or Norman Alberswith’s Hair On Chest Party. Theodore Roosevelt once came up with such a name, but my researchers have been lazy as of late.
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December 29, 2003 @ 9:36 pm
Montezuma: Circuit Martyr
Would you like to Ask Montezuma? Just click here.
Montezuma was born in 1466 and became emperor in 1502. He governed with great cruelty. His dominions having been attacked and conquered by Cortez, he was killed in 1520 by his subjects while attempting to persuade them to submit to the Spaniards. Montezuma now writes a nationally-syndicated advice column and currently resides in Pangeria with his wife Trudy and their two children Christopher and Kayla. He enjoys boating and human sacrifice.
Dear Montezuma,
Recently, while gardening, I came to the conclusion that I have been dead for some time now. While I do find this state relaxing, I have been wondering whether cremation or burial would be more appropriate. Although burial seems more conservative, as a former NBA all-star I find that the Viking funeral bier holds many exciting possibilities. My question for you is this: How many golf balls would fit in the Grand Canyon? Please give an exact figure.
Wilt Chamberlain (deceased)
Dearest Wilty,
The divot in a golf ball has been created, through much trial and error in middle latitudes, to cause a disturbance in the air flow around the golf ball and thus ease its flight through the air for further drives down the fairway. Divots play an important role in the fundamental stacking problems of modern mathematics and should be factored into any traditional Grand Canyon Stacking Equation. Divots offer numerous surface area expansion possibilities and so a golf ball has much more surface area than a comparable whiffle ball. Taking into account a surface area of 2, with space between balls stacked in a traditional grocer’s orange stack being 17, plus the constant perturbation of the base of the stack of golf balls by the Colorado River, one can only assume that the precise figure would be 5.28 with a remainder of 1. Of course, Stopecki’s Overflight Theorem theorizes an golf-ballogical constant of 12, throwing the true number into the realm of the imaginary. We can thus conclude that the true number can only be calculated through gravitational lensing.
Dear Montezuma,
I have a guy friend whom I really like. I’ve known him about four years. We’ve started holding hands and he even kissed me one time, but he wonÕt tell me if he likes me or not. He knows I like him. I get really frustrated because he keeps sending mixed signals. All the other guys at the oil refinery where I work think that this is really weird. What should I do?
James “Big Jim” Doheen Aniston, Alabama
Dear Big Jim, if that is your real name,
The solution to this problem is very easy. Take a paper clip, a magnet, two meters of thread and a small saucer of water. Rub the magnet against the paper clip several times to impart a distinct polarity to its luscious coils. Gently place the voluptuous paper clip on the surface of the water you’ve placed in the saucer. The hydrogen bonds in water create a wonderful meniscus upon which our hallowed fastener can sustain itself. Watching the movements of this time-honoured treasure will lead to deeper understanding of the situation.
Dear Montezuma,
While on a recent vacation, I visited the ruins of Tihuanaco, in your homeland of Old Mexico. I was amazed by the ruins which are found there. Many of them consist of enormous stone blocks. Naturally rational thought leads me to the undisputable conclusion that these must have been built by aliens some millions of years ago. Was Mexico visited by aliens way back in the day?
Mrs. A. B. Doberman Papua New Guinea
Dear Mrs. Doberman,
Did Kublai Kahn in Xanadu a stately pleasure-dome decree? What is that toe nail thing in the hamburger? Is existence a delusion created by complex actions in the mind? Does skullfucking really take place and, if so, how pleasurable is it, really? These questions and more are all answered in my new Time-Life book, Montezuma Answers These Questions and More, More, More. This 327 page volume, available for only $19.99 covers over 400 years of stately advice from Yours Truly.
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