With both major parties geared up for the 2008 Presidential election, incumbent Dick Armstrong, once the mighty, bulbous, prominent nose on the face of the nation, now appears to be acne-riddled and runny as he rushes to fill gaps in his cabinet opened by a series of recent resignations. The resignations of five major cabinet members have left the Armstrong administration floundering and the American-Freedom Party struggling to remain united, and prompted Free America Party National Chairman Froggy Mecklenburg to quip “I do believe I just seen a host a quacking, crippled water fowl hobblin’ their way about the White House!”

The punishing political punches began last week when Lin Boxle, Under-Secretary of the Interior for Adding and Removing the Various States, published an editorial in the Katharinetowne Bee. In a piece entitled “Rowing the Rowboat Quickly to Nowhere” Boxle called for a full-scale triphibious invasion of Platha, with all Plathan citizens imprisoned after completion of operations. A new state, settled by Alabamanian tornado refugees, would be created from Platha’s territory. Boxle stated “We have an army, we have prisons…let’s do this thing and create a new home for these tornado people. Let’s call it Coolidge State while we’re at it.”

The inflammatory article sparked outrage across the nation as polls consistently show that the
majority of Americans prefer the names Polk State, MacArthurania or Desert Alabama. Massive protests broke out across California as there is a great amount of support for the movement to rename it Coolidge State. Presidential front-runner Field Marshal Rupert Olive, an outspoken MacArthurania proponent, called Boxle’s comments “irresponsible, inappropriate, and irresponsible,” a popular move that gained Olive a half-point poll increase in Alabama.

Leaving his West Wing office for the last time Boxle was hounded by button-festooned Polk State protesters who pelted him with crumpled photographs of Calvin Coolidge and paperback histories of the Mexican-American War. While Boxle’s absence smoothed things over with the Desert Alabama Delegationary Congress, problems continue for the Armstrong Administration.

These came to a head Tuesday morning when D.C. police entered the Whitehouse and arrested Danny Gammut, suspected of being the notorious Night Harvester who carried out a series of grizzly, horrific and beautiful murders-as-art across 21 counties in 23 states from 1968 until 1982, then later from 1986 to 2004, and again starting in 2007. His last victim had an iridescent set of butterfly wings made from his own unraveled intestines.

At a Ladies of Mechanicsburg luncheon, President Armstrong stated that “I never suspected Dan
of anything. He was just kind of quiet and mostly kept to himself.” Later the President did concede that it might explain Gammut’s copious four volume Night Harvester scrapbook, home made commemorative plates, and fan club president vest. In response to the arrest and indictments, Gammut has been placed on paid leave from his post as Attorney General. Rupert Daniel, a seventh grade student who was around at the time, was made Acting Attorney General.

Things continued to go down-hill in the West Wing when press secretary Lydian Fulbright announced that Secretary of State Maryanne “Mad” Hatter had been missing for over a month, and was now presumed dead. In a misguided attempt to politic with American-Freedom Party candidates in the Iowa and Willinois Caucuses, Hatter apparently and inadvertently took a plane to Azerbaijan where she and her companion Fippy were last seen arguing with a trader in a bazaar in North Ossetia over the price of white raisins.

Also the Secretary of Transportation quit his job to work for AgroFarm Industries and Secretary of Defense Albert Mohat resigned after several revealing pictures were found posted on his FaceSpacester account.

At a campaign stop outside a Contumacious, WL camouflage body paint mixing facility, Armstrong was quick to silence those who claimed the thick, vanilla shakeup would weaken the party on the eve of an important election year. He did this by demonstrating several difficult yo-yo tricks, including the infamous “Double Dutch Roller Coaster.”

While fixing his wife a salad, dark-horse candidate Gavin Rossdale refused to comment, stating that he had to focus on “Gwen’s salad.” Amongst the other American-Freedom Party contenders, Mitch Damage stated “I join with the administration in saying that I will greatly miss Fippy.”