Dear A&A,
Were you aware that page 12 of every Axes & Alleys issue between 2005 and 2007 is 0.0025% thinner than the other pages? I think this is on purpose. Maybe a disgruntled janitor in your printing facilities is twisting the page thickness dial at the plant. Maybe it’s a coded government message. I’ll put on my Sam Houston, Private Eye exclusive fan club trench coat and get to the bottom of this for you. Don’t you worry.
Nouri Al-Maliki
Baghdad, Iraq
To the Editors,
A few days ago I injured myself using your Sticker Page. Please place a warning sticker on it in the future.
Roy Comport
Hollyrood, CA
Dear Customer Service,
I just got my A&A nipple covers in the mail, but the As are backwards. Please send replacements with rightways As on them as soon as possible. I have an important business dinner next week.
Lem Stanczwyk
Free City of Danzig
Dear Axes & Alleys,
Your magazine is obviously intended for right-handed people only. Why, just look at it; all the page ends are on the right side. Oh wait, though, you say, the words go from left to right. Well great, but you forgot one thing: I’m not left-eyeballed, I’m left-handed. Please publish a leftie-friendly version of the magazine or I’ll be forced to surrender Fort Necessity. It’s no skin off my teeth if you don’t believe me.
G. Washington
Trenton, NJ
Sirs,
I recall rumours of there being a secret hidden issue. This was maybe a couple of years back. Well, I went out to find it right after I read about it and I’ve only just gotten back from my voyage.
I’ve been to Xizang Autonomous Province, India, New York, Israel…all over. After two years in the field I can tell you the secret issue is not out there.
Steven Spielberg
Irvine, CA
Dear Reader,
If you’ve gotten this far, we would like to remind you that you, too, can send letters for inclusion in Axes & Alleys magazine. It’s easy to do. We have a handy email address, comment forms on our web site and much more in the way of daguerreotype and telegraph technology.
The Editors
Astoria, NY
Dear Axes & Alleys,
I’m very upset that your pneumatic delivery system, to which readers can subscribe for an additional $300 per quarter, does not live up to its advertised capabilities. My last issue arrived mangled and missing several pages, while there were also pages from other magazines mixed in. Very offensive magazines. For instance, there were two pages from YOLK love. Yuck! Please fix this immediately.
Tommy Nemec
Newfoundland & Labrador, Canada
A&A,
I enjoy boxes.
Jim Tewerson
Beckinsale, FL
Dear Axes & Alleys,
Last time I ordered food, the local Chinese take-out place screwed up my order. When I complained, they were rude about it. But, I will give them one more chance. Usually, I would just never go there again, but when I watch Babylon 5 and see G’Kar’s spiritual journey, I realize that people, aliens and yes, even Chinese restaurants can change. It’s just one more thing I’ve learned from snake people on cult 1990s Sci-Fi TV shows.
Dakota Bester
Bellingham, ND