Category Archives: Katie Stalin

Katie Stalin: Coast to Coast, Part VIII

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St. Louis, MO– It’s the gateway to the once untamed and wild West. Sitting, as it often does, on the banks of the majestic Mississippi, St. Louis is famous for its big upside down “U” thing that sits there glittering, gleaming, beckoning and other adjectives as well.

My first day there I took a little ride all the way to the top. Yeah, the view was intense; the whole of America seemed to spread out before me. Up there, I met a nice Polish tourist named Jano who told me that “Big arch…good.” That sums it up all right. For some reason, he kept referring to me as a “nice piece,” but he wouldn’t tell me what that meant.

Luckily, Jano had brought a case of Borschtweiser, the most popular of all the Polish lagers. We hung out at the top of the arch and tried to hit boats with our empty cans. On my third try, I totally hit a barge right near the bow. Nice!

It turns out you’re not allowed to throw empty beer cans off the St. Louis Arch. In fact, you’re not even supposed to bring beer up there. They kicked us out. Jano’s response was to point out that the security guards were “No good” and I agree.

The arch was totally lame. Really it’s just a bent piece of metal. Luckily there was a snack bar near by and yep, they had nachos! Maybe next time I’ll try Route 66 and see where the open road takes me.

Katie Stalin: Coast to Coast, Part VII

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Katie Stalin

Tuscaloosa, AL – Okay, so it’s a college town and it’s all about football. The portrait of legendary coach Bear Bryant hangs everywhere, even in churches. Strange though, because I didn’t come to Tuscaloosa to see college football. I didn’t even come to see the fabulous coal barges of the Black Warrior River. There was only one reason I came here: to view the ancient, pre-Columbian Indian Mounds, the only monuments left of the once great Mississippi Delta civilization.

When I first got to town, I was really hungry. I had gotten a ride from this punk band The Desplicables, who had played an awesome show in Macon. Being a punk band though, they didn’t have any money or food, so I was forced to fend for myself. Luckily I found a Chippy’s Corn Dog Hut right near where The Desplicables had bidden me farewell.

So, I ordered a corndog with a side of curly fries and a grape soda . Right, pretty simple? Instead, this jerk behind the counter gives me these weird seasoned fries that aren’t curly or anything. And when I tell him I want curly fries, this jack off tells me that they’re “out of curly fries.” Then the manager comes over.

In the end, the manager apparently needed six stitches from where I hit him with the bottle. And the counter jerk said his dad is going to sue me to cover his medical bills or something. Some people are so uptight. Like the police for instance.

They told me not to leave town for a while, but c’mon guys, I have a whole country to explore and I’ve got to head out. See ya’ll next time.

Katie Stalin: Coast to Coast, Part VI

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Katie Stalin

Mobile, AL – Fenster McDougherty was born with fifty percent more brain matter than the average human. That was good enough to make me come calling. On the bus I tried to do some research on his condition, but got lost in the Reader’s Digest joke section. Can’t believe that’s not more popular. I also found that buses now have those little air conditioning nozzles like airplanes, but the graffiti in the bathrooms is still violently racist.

In Mobile it wasn’t too hard to find Fenster because his mother, Frances McDougherty works at the bus station. I introduced myself and the lovely woman asked me to wait an hour until she got off her shift handing out religious tracts to passersby. I helped out by taking a handful of Buddha Kind of Likes You and another handful of Shooting Skeet the Middle Way and giving them away.

When Mrs. McDougherty bundled me into her car, I was so excited to meet Fenster. I imagined he must love his hometown so much to stay here when someone who must be so smart could be off studying loop quantum gravity at Harvard. He must, I thought, be helping to improve Mobile in so many ways.

Frances, as she asked me to call her, showed me into their back yard, some cool lemonade in hand. And there he was: drool pouring out of his mouth, his feet twitching and occasionally repeating something about Marmaduke. Frances told me later that the extra brain matter caused damage to his normal functioning. He shows no savant tendencies, though he loves the Buddha so much that he occasionally makes up his own koans, such as this one:

Disobedient, Marmaduke obeys Mr. Winslow.

Winding my way north today. Toodles!

Katie Stalin: Coast to Coast, Part V

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Mammal World, FL – I’ve been told that Mammal World was an amazing place, but I truly had no idea. It has its own ZIP code, police station, theme restaurants and an independent sewage system. It’s even got its own mayor: Edward the Elk. Well, he’s more of an honorary mayor. Didn’t see him sign a single bill or make any speeches. This might be due to Mammal World’s lack of any legislative body, but I’m not entirely sure Edward knows he’s the mayor.

The bone display was closed, so I ended up in the smoke-filled Zebra Bar & Grill. It’s supposed to be one of the theme restaurants, but the Grill portion of the name isn’t quite right. There’s no menu and they only have salted apricots with creamed rhubarb and celery salsa at the bar. A surprising number of Mammal World’s animals take their lunch hour here. Ronny, Mammal World’s lone Besson’s Unhorned Rhinoceros, was taking up a corner all by himself and going through several bottles of Bushmill’s.

The animal uniforms are lovely. Each beastly specimen wears a bright green bellhop’s hat, a green waistcoat with a golden watch and green leather shoes with white spats. Some wear pants as appropriate and all of the large cats have curved Arabian shoes with bells on the toes so they can’t sneak up and claw anyone. There was also an alligator on the premises, but no one wanted to talk about it. I got the feeling it was an embarrassment for Mammal World.

I met a nice guy at the water buffalo racing pavilion and we’re heading off to the Mammal World Airport Motel in a bit. More tomorrow!

Katie Stalin: Coast to Coast, Part IV

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Durnit County, EL – I wanted to attend the 199th meeting of the American Astronomical Society. It would be the first such meeting ever held in Elizabethia and I hoped to meet some hot stargazers. I got off at Durnit County station, a sprawling network of platforms, glass and steel. I’m a bit puzzled, because Durnit County has no attractions and smells funny.

Both taxis had already left for the day, so I headed down the road in the direction of the soy sauce factory where the convention was being held. Pretty soon I was lost as the road sort of fades into a mayonnaise field. I kept walking in what I thought was the right direction and after a couple of hours heard a car approaching.

To my surprise President Armstrong poked his head out of the stretched VolksWagen beetle asked me if I needed a lift. I hopped in the back, picking up the fez he dropped shouting out the window. The President was on his way back from dedicating a new, foot-activated drinking fountain at the County Courthouse. As the President finished the last page of a comic book. I asked him if he liked drinking fountains and, with a twinkle in his eye he replied that he preferred drinking beverages. We shared a bag of chips and he invited me to the White House to play horse shoes any time.

They were headed back to the train station, so I decided not to go to the AAS meeting after all. The train’s departing in a few minutes and I’m not sure if I’ll stop anywhere else before I hit Florida. Oh, I forgot to mention that the President loves butter and sardine corn chips. Can’t stop wolfing them down.