Doomed from the Get Go: Creepsville’s favorite musical combo “The Midnight Creeps” performing at Maryland Fried Chicken House on Maynard Street.

Creepsville, USA – My friend Jonas told me Creepsville is best known for some all-ages punk band called The Midnight Creeps. Well, I’ve never heard of the place or the band, but the idea of visiting America’s only city-state was pretty cool, like being able to take a trip back in time to Greece, but without all the olive oil.

Boy was I surprised when I got here. One of Creepsville’s most important products is olive oil and the town is surrounded by olive groves. It’s the only place in the world where you can get “extremely super virgin olive oil,” which is pressed before the olives are even ripe; sometimes, before they’re even planted. There are two lovely, ivy-covered olive pressing factories in the city center, shared by all the olive growers. I like it when people share.

It’s probably not true that you can eat off of the streets, but they’re really clean. Tom Jorgensen, David Abernathy, and Astrid Santana are the street cleaners and all of them were hospitable when I stopped by the street cleaner depot on my first day in town. Yeah, I had to ask like fifteen times, but eventually they showed me the mopitorium where they keep the mops. Each mop has a special claspy thing on the wall and there’s a mop check-out log where you can sign your name to check out a mop. That Astrid was pretty cute, but she’s married.

Mayor Joanna Cyclone took me on a tour of city hall. The nation’s most pristine aquifer is located immediately below Creepsville, so they’ve got a lot of public fountains. City hall has fifteen! Made it real easy for Mayor Cyclone and me to have a whiskey and a splash at the end of the day. I ended up staying with City Planner Jones. That’s actually his name. He loves his job so much he had a justice of the peace legally change his first name to City Planner. Mr. Jones showed me some plans for the updating of the sub-divisions on the east side of town. Maple Road is totally gonna be rezoned light commercial. His designs for the Creep County Historical Museum were par excellence (I picked that up in Paris).

Doug Tadpole, the chairman of the Creepsville Chamber of Commerce, showed me some of the plans for expanding their culinary offerings. I was so happy to see that they were going to open a franchise of Nacho Mamma’s and probably will put it in my guide.

What can I say? Creepsville’s awesome. There aren’t any hotels, but the locals are so friendly you can ask anyone for a place to crash for the night. Lots of trees, three parks, excellent public transportation, friendly people and their only crime is the occasional theft of a pink plastic flamingo from someone’s lawn by local teenagers (those scamps). If you like nachos or fountains, you should definitely come for a visit.

Katie Stalin recently appeared as Rosalinde in the Willinois Farmyard Players production of Die Fledermaus. She is currently working on a restaurant guide for nacho enthusiasts.

The Middle of the Atlantic Ocean- A funny thing happened to me on the way to Bermuda. You see, I was supposed to go to Bermuda to check out the local fishing industry. They catch quite a few wolf-man crabs around there, which I guess they shouldn’t call fishing, since crabs aren’t fish, but ah well, what are you gonna do? Nothing probably.

To get to Bermuda I booked a ticket for this cruise ship called The Splendor of Norway. It was totally nice and even had a lido deck. I have no idea what a lido is or why it needs its own deck, but still, it had a lido deck. We set sail from Miami on a Friday and the weather was all nice and sunny. That first day, after stowing my supplies in my room, I hit the deck and stretched out on a chair there to catch some rays.

Later, I made out with this guy I met at the buffet. There had to be three types of chowder and a guy who cut up the roast beef for you right there at the buffet table. It was a nice buffet, probably the fourth best buffet I’ve ever eaten at. No nachos though. I was having so much fun and we still had two days left till we reached Bermuda.

Okay, this is where it gets weird. It turns out there’s this three sided area called the Bermuda Triangle. I’d never even heard of it until The Splendor of Norway was halfway through it. And of course, wouldn’t you guess, the entire ship disappeared. Totally, it just vanished. Luckily I had had too many tequilas and had fallen overboard right before it blinked out of existence.

Fortunately a few bits of the ship survived, including a life raft which I took. There was a radio on board, but I couldn’t pick up any stations on it, there was some talk, but no good music or anything. It was solar powered. Neat. After a bit I got hungry so I unthreaded part of my shirt into a long string and made a hook out of my key ring. Yep, I caught some fish and ate them raw, just like sushi. Later, I drank some rain water.

Finally I got rescued by some passing Japanese fishermen. I don’t really know what Japanese fishermen were doing in the Atlantic. Though I did ask them if catching crabs was really fishing. They said it wasn’t at all. They said it was called crabbing. Just goes to show you that people in Bermuda don’t know what they’re talking about. Now, it’s Monday and I’m headed back to civilization. If you happen to spot The Splendor of Norway, you should alert the Coast Guard, and should you see that guy from the buffet table, give him my number okay.

Katie Stalin is an inquisitive girl and holds the record for the world’s prettiest ping-pong player. Her appetite for nachos is insatiable and she loves to collect interesting looking protractors.