Katie Stalin: Coast to Coast, Part X

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Flanders Field, WD– Everyone knows I love Nachos. My friend Lucy says that eat so many Nachos that one day I’ll turn into a nacho. That’s not possible, but I sure like nachos. Today though, I realized that tacos are better than nachos, and by nearly two whole points.

How, you ask, does one quantify how good food tastes? Today I learned the answer thanks to this helpful scientist I met named Laura Ttotsis-Ossenberger. She’s a Food Scientist as the West Dakota Agricultural College and has developed the Tsotsis-Ossenberger Scale which can tell you how good a certain food tastes with extreme accuracy, up to five decimal places even.

Her method is simple. First you take a sample of the food in question and weigh it. Then you mix it with an equal mass of dog saliva and throw it in a cyclotron. When you’re done with that you put it in a little cup which goes on a this really super cool scientific scale that I’m apparently not allowed to touch. Next, you take the eyeball out of a chimpanzee. Those chimps do not like when Laura comes in with the pliers. They scream and howl and try to fight her off, but she’ll pluck that eye right out. The chimps hate it and then they sit in the corner kind of murmuring. Okay, then you put the eyeball on the other side of the cup and weigh it too. The computer then spits out a number that tells you exactly how good food tastes.

Braised mutton, Laura tells me, gets a 1.993, while caviar surprisingly is a .022 and sushi a disappointing .00021. Nachos, my favorite score an astounding 37.1 and tacos are at the top with the highest rating of any food; 38.9. When Laura and I went and got lunch, you know what we got; it was tacos all right.

And for all you animal lovers, don’t worry. The chimps that Laura blinds are given good homes; they’re exported to Platha where they’re used for farm labor. It’s like my mom always said “Never waste a blind chimpanzee and eat a taco every day.” Later my mom was institutionalized.

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