Willinoisopolis, WL– With little fanfare and a bit of trepidation, many residents of Iowa (IA), Missouri (MO) and Nebraska (NE) woke up today as proud Willinoisans (WN). Temporarily dubbed the “Round State,” Willinois is the first completely circular state of the Union, and the second state to be created out of three other states.
Unfortunately the construction of the new capital city, Contumacious, is lagging several weeks behind schedule as the delivery of 3600 cobalt-plated crow statuettes has yet to arrive from Cobalt, Ontario. The crow was the only state symbol agreed upon during Willinois’ raucous constitutional convention last Spring.
One statuette is to be placed in front of the working residence of each of Willinois’ representatives to the state’s Althing. This hold up has caused problems because, due to some behind the scenes horse-trading, it was mandated in the state constitution that construction of Contumacious’ sewage system and police headquarters could not commence until the crows were put in place.
Due to the delay, statehood day celebrations took place in the town of Rock Point, formerly part of Northwestern Missouri. There had been some anxiety at the unveiling of the new ethnic dance of Willinois, the Funky Silkworm. The dance is loosely based on the jovial and humorous “The Worm” dance so enjoyed by hip hop aficionados for over twenty years. While there is absolutely no real tradition of hip hop in any part of the state, the Funky Silkworm was met with overwhelming approval.
The Willinois’ version of the National Guard, the Willinois Omniprotectional Multivector Patrol, marched proudly in the parade wearing their crisp, recent-issue, armored combat coveralls and adorned with one of the new state’s greatest exports, chameleon polymer body paint. Children enjoyed watching as bits of the soldiers’ bodies appeared and disappeared in the glittering sunlight. Some of the children giggled while others enjoyed ice cream.
The decision to create Willinois had its impetus after governors Vilsack (D-Iowa), Heineman (R-Nebraska), and Tooty McFarlane (AFP-MO) had a late night discussion over manhattans. Sources suggest that the governors began discussing their state’s most disturbed (MO), idiotic (IA), and annoying (NE) citizens, discovering that they were all very close to one another geographically.
Governor McFarlane proposed the idea of creating a new state from these areas and within weeks each state had passed a referendum and transmitted the desire to create the new state to Congress. With the loss of Vermont to Sinonipponesia and the distraction of tidying up war business, Congress obliged quickly and Willinois’ state constitutional convention was held.
After weeks of intense debate in Las Vegas, some issues having been decided over refereed boxing matches between convention representatives, the convention presented the Willinois Constitution to the public.
All of Willinois’ Mid-Level managers and Governor, Elmo Wrigley, were already elected by Statehood Day under special ballot and its Congressmen will be selected this November, becoming members of the 110th Congress. President Armstrong was on hand to swear officials in, handing out blackcats and M-80s to freshly-minted government officers.
Some tussling broke out as representatives who had received blackcats got angry over not getting M-80s, but the President caught their attention and directed them, with a point and an arched eyebrow, to a waiting fireworks truck overloaded with all kinds of recreational explosives. Festivities went long into the night and actual governmental work did not commence until the second day.
Expectations are high for our new friends in Willinois, and work has already begun apace with arguing over several bills now on the floor of the temporary congressional chamber, which is in a barn. The Round State has gotten off to an auspicious beginning.
The Willinois
State Constitution
Las Vegas, Nevada
We the people of Willinois, in order to form Willinois do hereby provide for things, protect stuff and enable other sundries for the purpose creating Willinois.
What that Georgia State Constitution says? Well, ditto.
Except for this stuff:
I. Willinois’ State Legislature shall be known as the Althing and shall consist of 3600 members, to be known as Mid-Level Managers so they don’t get too uppity.
II. The state bird shall be the crow. All other state symbols can get figured out when we get around to it.
III. A state capital shall be constructed in the geographic center of the state. It shall be built in the shape of a star fish and contain a residence for each Mid-Level Manager at which site shall be installed a cobalt-plated statuette of the state bird, the crow. Construction of sewage systems and police headquarters cannot commence before installation of these statuettes. The capital shall be named Contumacious in honor of Willinoisans’ rambunctious spirit.
IV. Juries shall consist of 13 members in order to add more of a creepy vibe to court cases.
V. The right to petition, but they must do it in 250 words or less. NO EXCEPTIONS!
VI. Stovepipe or top hats are allowed within the borders of Willinois, except when used to perpetrate fraud.
VII. The right of the people to organize tontines shall not be infringed, except in times of calamitous emergency. The Althing shall have the power to enforce, by appropriate legislation, the provisions of this article.
VIII. The Governor of Willinois shall have the power to appoint, with approval of the Althing, two Consuls who shall, for a term of nine years, have appropriate power to oversee rodeos, cake-walks, and circuses.
IX. In all criminal cases, proper respect will be accorded to Refuse-Collector, Refuse-Disposer privilege. Nor shall any Refuse-Collector be required under law to post bail for any Refuse-Disposer accused of a high crime or misdemeanor.
X. Alternate side parking shall hereby be in effect.
Elmo Wrigley, James R. Ghent, Mary Worthright-Smythe,
Charles Dingey, Chippy Cleveland, Jeremy Buck,
Lucy Caldwelder, Stanton James-Snead, Jr., Gregory Hut,
Gen. Jay North, Louis T. Armstrong, Marisa van Graff.
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