Category Archives: Jeremy Rosen

How to Do It

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with regular commentator
Lemuel lebratt
By Permanent Guest-Commentator Marcia Spatzelberg

THE DOG BIRTHDAY PARTY

Dog Birthday 1

Marcia Spatzelberg
Marcia Spatzelberg is author of several books including Feline Soiree and Wine, Cheese and Cattle: Your Guide to a Bovine Get-together.

So your dog is turning 10 years old (we’re not going to go into dog years versus human years here) and you’d like to throw him a special birthday bash for all that wagging loyalty given to you by your pup over the years. Maybe it’s just a special thank-you for not vomiting behind the couch for the last year or not mauling your slippers. In this article you will find everything you need to make the perfect doggie birthday party.

Once you’ve set the day, you must make preparations. Dogs cannot read, obviously, but their owners can. When inviting Rover’s little friends over, you should pick up a container of dried pig’s ears and write the party information on them in non-toxic ink (or imitation smoke flavoring). Your best friend’s best friends will take the chewy pig’s ear home, where their owners will see the party information. Expect not to see a few canine friends. Some dogs are hungrier than others.

While you’re thinking of invitations, remember that your dog and his friends will certainly enjoy a surprise. Pet stores often carry large white rats for consumption by pet snakes. It’s a poorly-known fact that felines also enjoy the taste of rodent. So pick one up and write the party information on it in non-toxic ink (no imitation smoke flavor). Cats can read, so make it look like a cat birthday party. Make the time about an hour after the party actually starts. Your surprise for the pups will be just as surprised as they are.

Dog Cake

Dogs are quite easy to please, so don’t worry too much about the hors d’oeuvres. A dog-food cake is quite simple to make. Take a can of dog food, put the contents on a plate and decorate with bacon strips and kibble. You can also flatten the dog food and put more on top of it to make a layer cake.

It’s a party and dogs are going to want more than just water to drink. If you take a bottle of store-brand soda and put a half can of dog food in it and let it sit for a week, you’ll almost have the perfect doggie birthday beverage. Don’t forget to strain the food bits out before serving.

The dogs might also like snacks and here’s your chance to put the ultimate coat shine into your guests. Take a rawhide stick and roll it in egg-yolk. Then crumble some dog biscuits in a bowl and coat the rawhide stick in the crumbs. Preheat the oven to 350 and let bake for 12 minutes. These are perhaps the biggest hits of the season for doggie birthdays.

Dogs Like Cake

Your dogs will need some entertainment, too. Your cat friend should be arriving just about now. When the doorbell rings, make all the dogs hide in the closet and invite cat in for the party. When the door is shut, open up the closet. This should entertain your pack of partygoers for at least ten minutes. If you’re up for it, you might want to invite two or even three cats over at half-hour intervals.

Once the cat fun has been exhausted, you might want to let the canine companions play pin the tail on the dog. Hopefully you remembered to invite over a boxer or Doberman pinscher. Get a length of fabric or an actual dog tail from a veterinarian. Put nose plugs on the first player and give him the fabric or tail. He should now try to pin the tail on the dog. If any fighting occurs, provide more rawhide sticks.

Dogs don’t respond to television very much, so you might want to forgo the usual party movie afforded at the birthdays of human children. Your canine child and his friends will probably enjoy the neighborhood bitch in heat more, just don’t let them get too close. You don’t have enough rawhide sticks to break up that fight! (You can also invite the bitch over later in the day after the party as a special treat for Rover.)

Drunk Dog

If you want to have some great fun, before the dogs leave, give them all a hit from the helium balloons. They’ll all feel like puppies again. Send them on their way with some noisemakers and people masks. They’ll have a lot of fun being “human” on the way home.
When all the guests have left, make sure to give Rover a special something for his birthday. His very own toilet to drink from or a “Because I Can Reach There” doggie shirt are two common presents. If you’re trying to be original, perhaps you can get a doggie bed for him with his favorite garbage smell on it. Personalized pooper-scoopers and crap baggies are all the rage this year.

These are the main ingredients for a successful doggie birthday bash. You may also include a card game for the party, but keep in mind that only herding and fighting dogs really enjoy cards. (Reference C.M. Coolidge to get the details straight.) Other than that, just use common sense and keep your wits about you. Being the host can be trying, but remember: Have fun!

Histronomical Abstractions

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Sub-Aquatic Boats Make Good

Scott Birdseye
Dr. Scott Birdseye is an educator, Doctor of Philosphy and nutcracker collector. He even has a nutcracker from Rhode Island. It’s very neat.

Submarines have shown themselves to be one of the most effective weapon platforms ever devised and their crews to be the best in the navies of the world. This effectiveness was fully illustrated in the Second World War, when American submarines operating in the Pacific theatre were able surmount incredible difficulties to achieve a total victory in their war of attrition against the Japanese Navy and Merchant Fleet. The valor, courage and skill of the men of the American Navy’s submarine force proved the capability of their ships, and finally reversed the long negative history of the submarine.

In the aftermath of WWI, international conferences worked to ban the use of submarines in war. In the United States, President Harding, seeking his “Return to Normalcy”, shelved any attempt by the Navy to increase the size of the submarine force. The 1922 Washington Naval Conference backed this policy by limiting the size of the U.S. Navy, especially in the Pacific.

Despite these limitations, the U.S. Navy, in the 1920s, did build a new series of submarines, the V-Class, the design of which was based on German U-boats. These ships, with their large size and armament, would form the basis of the U.S. submarine fleet until the pre-war build up of the late 1930s.

In 1936, after the expiration of the terms of the Washington Naval Conference, the United States began its submarine building program anew. The P, S, and T Class ships were built during this period, and ranked among the best submarines in the world. However, strategic commanders did not consider submarines to be an important part of the navy.

AsterStar Antigravity Pump

Thus, as Japanese expansion increased in the Pacific and war threatened to break out in Europe, the United States submarine force was woefully inadequate. The United States Navy’s submersible strength in the Far East was based in two groups: The Pacific Fleet, stationed at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, and the Asiatic Fleet, stationed at the Philippines. The Pacific Fleet Sub-Force, or SubPac, consisted of twenty-eight modern S-Class submarines, while the Asiatic Fleet Sub-Force had only six modern subs out of their total eighteen. Their remaining ships were from the First World War, and were obsolete. Fortunately for the U.S. Navy, the inferior ships of the Asiatic Fleet were destroyed or rendered unusable in the Japanese conquest of the Philippine Islands. When the U.S. entered the war in December of 1941, there were 112 subs total in the U.S. force and seventy-three under construction.

The Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, which brought the United States into the Second World War, left much of the Pacific surface fleet destroyed. The Pearl Harbor disaster, coupled with the loss of the Asiatic Fleet in the Philippines, left the Pacific Fleet’s submarines to bear the brunt of the fighting in the earliest part of the war. Admiral Chester Nimitz would later describe the situation the U.S. faced immediately following the outbreak of the war: “When I assumed command of the Pacific Fleet on 31 December 1941 our submarines were already operating against the enemy, the only units of the fleet that could come to grips with the Japanese for many months to come.”
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The March of Progress: February 2005

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APOLLO IS PROGRAM OF LIES

Jeremy Rosen
Jeremy Rosen is an investigative reporter who, in 1995, won the Pulitzer Prize for his work “HO: Not the Way to Go” in which he first publicized the failures of the HO Scale for model train hobbyists. To this day, he remains an advocate of the N Gage system of model trains.

Like most of the members of the public, I have always been told that the United States of America sent spaconauts to the surface of the moon where they first landed at the Sea of Tranquility in July of 1969. Until recently, I believed this like a stupid blind-folded sheep. Until recently, that is.

As many of our usual readers know, my grandfather worked for the National Aeronautics and Space Administration from 1964-1972. Last year he succumbed to his battle with Legionnaires’ Disease and I came to see him as he lay dying on his deathbed. Withered and frail, he lacked the robustidy of his former years, yet in his eyes I could see a tenacity of conviction I had ne’re seen before.

There he gave me apiece of proof that America faked the moon landings for the purpose of stealing victory in the Space Race. It, and other proof, will be analyzed below. Did men actually walk on the surface of the moon, or was it all a big lie? Only you can decide to be the judge.

Entrail Ice Cream

The Moon Landing Was Fake

Above is the now-famous evidence of the moon landing hoax, first procured by my Grand-pappy from top-secret NASA archives which were buried in tin boxes on the island of Corregidor, forever hidden from the innocently prying eyes of the public and the world. This image was taken from a roll of photographic negatives, before the developed pictures were printed and doctored by special photographical doctoring technicians at NASA. This is the original picture and if studied carefully, it reveals a plethora of information. Also it reveals of wealth of proof of the duplicitous NASA conspiracy.

The first bit of proof we will explore is the most obvious. Note that there are no stars in the background of this picture. On an atmosphereless moon, the stars would be clearly visible. Obviously NASA knew that skilled observers would be able to tell that stars in the pictures were not correctly located as they would be seen from the lunar surface, so the stars were omitted, replaced by what is clearly a black painted backdrop.

Now, remember that there is only one light source on the moon; the sun. Yet the astronaut, the lander, and even the rocks all have multiple shadows, no doubt emanating from the various lighting rigs used on the sound stage where this photograph was taken. Another curious lighting feature is the fact that the American flag and the “USA” emblem on the lander are both lit perfectly while the rest of the lander is in shadow. Clearly, these effected were created with well-directed spot lights.

The “lunar surface” in this photograph shows lines of erosion, as one would find in a terrestrial environment. Where there is neither wind nor water there can be no erosion. Yet the dirt on the floor of the soundstage definitely shows signs of erosion.

Notice also the image of the Earth which hangs in space, or so we are led to believe. This is, without an iota of doubt, a painting. Plus you can see the camera crew reflected in the visor of the astronaut’s helmet, a rock has writing on it which reads “Place in Grid C,” most likely a note for the set preparers, and plus an object sticks down into the frame and resembles a boom mike.

This is no doubt damning proof of NASA’s lies to the world. Write your congress-persons and tell them that you want the truth to be heard.

Simple Concepts Made Known

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Our Guide to Understanding Things Everyone Should Already Know

Fire is when burning happens.

You can find alcohol in bars.

Video games are so called because they involve looking.

North, south, east and west are four directions.

Although “chip” and “ship” may sound alike, these words describe widely different concepts.

Signs indicate things.

Lettuce is really just leaves. Really.

Mountains are tall. Valleys are tall the other way.

Candles are not cans with handles.

Ink is the means by which a man may turn a collection of papers into literature.

Just as Sir Edmund Hillary has stated, Mount Everest is there.

Red is one of the colors.

Wake Island is surrounded entirely by water. Except on top.

Homework may be completed almost anywhere.

Mirrors should be made with a reflective surface.

A car’s horn serves a different function than that of a rhinoceros.

Shirts come in a variety of styles.

Flying Men