Terrorists Hold Axes & Alleys Hostage

Nutria Terrorist

For the last six weeks the Axes & Alleys offices have been under the control of the Nutria Independence Brigade. Unable to communicate with the outside world without interference, the entire staff has attempted to get word of our predicament out several times, but to no avail. Each time, a watchful, beret-wearing nutria was able to intercept and garble those messages.

I am pleased to announce that WE ARE FREE! The creative department’s DJ Trickyfingers lived up to his name and managed to get ahold of the office staple gun from the storage closet yesterday. Risking his spinning arm, Trickyfingers took out each one of our captors. From the head nutria, who will make an excellent paper weight, to the nutria who mistook our copy machine for a human being, Trickyfingers introduced each to an ignoble end.

We’re still attempting to find production editors Scott Birdseye and Jeremy Rosen, who both seem to have disappeared in the first minutes of the hostage crisis. If you have any information at all on their whereabouts, please let us know. There is a $25 reward.

xoxo

Delores R. Grunion, Editor-In-Chief

Classifieds: Fabuly 2007

FOR SALE
Jungle sounds. I do excellent monkey noises and can gargle in a way that almost sounds like rain coming down through the canopies of foliage. Others sounds available on request,
send $100.00 for my full catalogue of noises.
Beulla, no. 1546.

FOR LEASE
Elector state of Palatine. Four hamlets, two major cities and full voting control so that you can influence who gets to be Holy Roman Emperor.
M. Hohenzollern, Hanover, Germany.

FOR SALE
Spoon. Made of low-grade alumnium. Lightly used and equipped with jury-rigged electrical tape handle. Good for soups or puddings.
L. Uppercat, Vendor, FL, Box 301.

WANTED
Conversion kit. Must be able to convert 120W AC to gold. Will pay you after I’ve made a bunch of gold.
Miriam Hatchet, Picker’s Flats, VA.

WANTED
Marlborough’s plan and full order of battle for the week prior to Blenheim. Also, a working time machine so I can go back to 1704 and give them to Tallard because I’d prefer it if Wittlesbach had been able to secure the Hapsburg throne.
Wilma Thrasher, Brighton Beach, NY or UK, either one. 113-1104-1214.

FOR RENT
Quality buttons. May not be attached to clothing.
Lou’s Buttons 231 38th St. New York, NY 10012

WANTED
Funding. At least fifty million needed for an experimental physics project where we use three brightly lit spinning poles to dematerialize dust and/or sand for some reason. The poles will spin really, really fast.
Contact the Queens Marshland Experimental Physics Laboratory, Queens, NY. Ring top bell.

FOR SALE
New religion I made up where it turns out that we’re all just Pre-Ghosts® and will one day be ghosts and then die again and then we’re Double-Ghosts®. Neat, huh? $50.00. Includes nearly completed holy book manuscript.
Call Tobit at 931-416-4.

FOR RENT
My new algorithm for determining how many cows are present by counting legs. L/4 = C, where L is the number of legs and C is the number of cows. Works for dogs too! $.25 for each calculation. Ask about my handy quantum physics metaphors involving ice skating. Melinda Huggankiss. Fort Roxy, Maryland. Upstairs.

WANTED
New book of the Bible (New Testament) where the Apostle Peter wins a skateboard contest and saves the neighborhood skate park from the greedy developers. Will pay up to $53.00.
Contact Maury Sturgeon, 4, rue Cracy, Paris 70024, EU.

WANTED
Something like a can opener, but for bottles. Call Scroter Numbly at 212-888-2112

FOR SALE
My web site dedicated to everything that isn’t robots, sex, do-it-yourself, internet fads and copyright. Will sell for $33,000 or trade for a lifetime supply of black kernel popcorn.
Johnny Donothing 45 Alabaster Way Concrete, OT

WANTED
Two can beer cooler. Must have a picture of a toucan on it, be made of heavy-duty plastic with a brushed metal casing, have indentations on the top in which to place the cans of beer, and include an AM radio in the handle. Also, must have a handle. Will pay up to $77.
Email me at h.adams@nytimes.com

FOR SALE
Your choice of two of the following: 33 ounce cup from Save ‘n’ Such, China, melted pinking shears passed off as art, any two of the uninhabited Solomon Islands, the 1st edition of the International Telecommunications Manual, half a meerschaum ice cube tray, 31.5 playing cards, a packet of 20 Class B cigarettes, one unframed and unsigned photograph (matte not glossy) of Golda Meir, two desiccated sticky frog toys, Herb the auto mechanic, an entire tub of It’s Butter (light flavour), seventeen broken lathes, Ivan IV’s garbage receptacle, or your choice of hyperlink on bbc.co.uk. Free gallon of spider laxative included. Before June 27th, write to:
Tony Blair
10 Downing St.
London, SW1
United Kingdom

Why Art?

Why Art?

In our country, there is a pervasive notion that art is not only a significant aspect of our culture, but that the fine arts exalt us, lift us up and inspire us. Our tax dollars support some art, based on the notion that the existence of artwork enriches all of society. In the same vein, many schools and universities have required art history and art appreciation courses. This leads to one question; if art really is part of our collective culture, why do we need professionals to explain it to us, why is art not more popular?

Another option is that art is not really a part of our culture at all, rather that it is kept on life-support by a small, but influential, group of artists, collectors and educators and the reason art remains only a small niche field of interest is largely economic. It’s not that people don’t “get” art, rather the economic circumstances make art inaccessible. Most people have developed no interest in art and the truth is that they have no reason to; it’s simply not a part of their daily lives.

The same cadre of influential people, some with the good of society in mind, some with an eye on lining their own pockets, have sequestered art in places people aren’t likely to go while at the same time ensconcing faddish works of abstraction in the few places people go more often.

The Romans, for instance, placed art, lots of it, in the daily loci of every citizen’s life: the bath house and the Forum. The work of the great European painters was, for centuries, to be found available to the public in the one location where they could save their souls: a church.

Unlike the grocery store or work, few people have as a daily stop on their schedule the Museum of Modern Art. Meanwhile, what public art one might see near government buildings visited every couple of months is the abstract, red metal works of Alexander Calder. This is not to limit what meaning there is to be found in his works, but they hardly provide the connection of a Rodin or a Rousseau.

Both Jasper Johns and Roy Lichtenstein were successful Post-War American artists but neither one is directly part of our collective culture. Most Americans have not heard of them, would not be able to recognize their work, don’t see their work on a daily basis and
certainly don’t have one of their paintings hanging in the living room.

Of course, those are some fairly large assumptions. While it is impossible to have a nation-wide referendum on Roy Lichtenstein, we can say that, using a Google-brand search-engine, the painter actually gets fewer results than a common misspelling of the band Nickelback, but ten times more results than Spiderman spelled with two Ns.

Spiderman and Nickelback are a different matter than art. Movies and albums can be mass-produced and mass-production lowers costs and prices. In contrast, art is not mass produced; the closest it comes are with the print editions, the largest of which may only include five hundred to a thousand examples. Even with such numbers, the prices still do not but flirt with affordability.

A DVD will cost you twenty dollars and an album no more than twenty, but even a mass-produced signed print will run you at least five hundred. That is, if you’re looking for such a print in the first place. Most Americans can’t afford to have a piece of art in their homes. Prints may start out at about five hundred dollars, but original works by little-known, but successful artists start at around fifty thousand. As the U.S. Census Bureau reports that median household income in the U.S. is forty-three thousand, most Americans would be forced to choose between a house or a Frank Stella original. Since you need a wall on which to hang a Frank Stella, consumers would tend to pick the house over the painting.

That leads us to the issue of reproductions. For the price of an album, you could have a poster of Gustav Klimt’s “The Kiss” on your wall. It seems a good deal since Ronald Lauder paid a hundred and thirty five million for the original. But, a poster is not a painting. Then again, a DVD of Star Wars is not the original celluloid print of the film.

Unlike a painting, a film is not just visual; it involves sound, music, literature and performance, so while the size of the image or its resolution may be reduced, watching a film on DVD still allows a great appreciation of the other elements; the story, the literature, the characters and the sound are still the same, even though the picture may be smaller. An artwork is purely visual and when the visual element is thus diminished the entire work and the experience of viewing are also diminished.

It is entirely different for a book or an album. Original releases may be prized for their rarity, but the work loses nothing in its reproduction. One can experience the same emotions when reading any copy of “To Kill a Mockingbird.” When purchasing a book or an
album, one is buying the work itself, and not a reproduction. Anyone with twelve spare dollars can own “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band,” not a diminished reproduction, but the music itself. Anyone with six dollars can own “The DaVinci Code,” a non-abridged, non-expurgated, non-diminished version. The only way that one can own a non-diminished version of Van Gogh’s “Sunflowers,” is to have thirty or forty million dollars to spend.

Members of the general public, those who do not have several million, or even a hundred thousand spare dollars, can still view art in its original form by going to a museum. For many though, they may only go to a major museum once or twice in their lives; major museums tend to only be found in large cities, and this leads to the idea that again, only for a minority is art accessible.

Even on a visit to a museum it is impossible to see everything available. As the Metropolitan Museum of Art has over two million works, it would take a person fifteen non-stop months to give each piece a twenty second view. On a visit, a few pieces may be recognized from books, or ads or school texts, but for the non art expert a few glances at each work in the shuffle from room to room will make little difference in their lives.

People do not seem opposed to art, generally. Many homes have paintings hanging in them, even if they are only cheaply-produced hotel style paintings. But art does not make a direct impact on our culture because we have no way to share it with others and culture, by definition, has to be shared. Anyone can listen to “Pet Sounds,” read Jurassic Park, or watch “Casablanca,” but only the highly rich can afford to view a real Picasso every day.

Thus, all the people in the set of anyone, including the rich, can share in discussion or conversation about a book, a movie or a song, but not everyone can talk with their co-workers about their favorite Niki de Saint Phalle sculpture. Art is expensive and because of this it is not popular and due to this lack of popularity it makes little impact on our real culture.

While some artists, such as Christo and Jeanne-Claude have attempted to make their work widely accessible, many artists seem content to profit off of a hungry, wealthy niche market without making a large cultural impact. Perhaps that is why Thomas Paine’s “Common Sense” could rouse a nation to war yet Pablo Picasso’s “Guernica” utterly failed in preventing horrors far greater than the Spanish Civil War.

That is not to say that it was somehow Picasso’s responsibility to prevent the Second World War. But when one witnesses the powerful and wide-reaching impact of books, films or songs, it’s disconcerting to see that another such medium, art, can not only fail to deliver that impact, but that its creators and patrons seem so content to continue their existence in a sheltered cocoon while they adamantly claim to deliver a cultural impact which has yet to be felt.