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Volume 456-BR8: Issue 10: Vespril 2007
Axes & Alleys: Indicted, but Never Convicted!
It has come to our attention that the name of the legendary rock and roll quartet The Beatles is, in fact, a pun. You see, the spelling indicates a beat, or rhythmical interval relating to music, while the actual sound of the name is obviously intended to make one think the word refers to a certain order of arthropods.
This is a travesty.
A Group acknowledged as one of the greatest in recorded history both musically and lyrically, a group which penned such songs as “Hey Jude,” “Ask Me Why,” and “I Want You (She’s So Heavy)” did not have enough imagination to avoid a pun. At the least they could have attempted to conjure up the thousands of armoured species of beetle, or the Nazi car named after same.
But no; John, Ringo, George, and Paul resorted to a pun. Way to go Liverpudlians.
Xoxo
Delores R. Grunion
The Vespril Cover Girl: Azura Skye
Azura Skye would be an excellent
choice to play Nutia Titelbaum,
should anyone decide to a make
a movie about her life.
Vespril Issue Premiere
In New York there appear to be a series of hate crimes targeting blacks with nooses and Jews with swastikas. These messages of hate have appeared on light fixtures and doors with racial slurs and epithets written nearby.
We feel left out. Not a single swastika has been scrawled anywhere near our offices. If anything, swastikas offer an opportunity to play four-square tic tac toe. Also, the news likes to come around and interview people with swastikas on their property and we want to be on television.
You’d think with all the hateful things we’ve said over the years, someone would leave us something offensive. We’ll even take an “Irish need not apply” sign.
In that light, why not download the newest issue of Axes & Alleys today and feel free to ogle all of our previous issues in the archive.
Ask Montezuma: Tiberium 2007
It’s the Answer Man from Tenochtitlan
Montezuma was once an international superstar on the fishing lure design and manufacturing scene, but has been overshadowed in recent years by Sterling Peoples from the USA. He now decorates industrial bolts on Sundays.
Dear Montezuma,
How is it that fish can breathe underwater? I mean, there’s no air underwater, just water. Why aren’t they all dead?
Mike D
Brooklyn, NY
Dearest Miked,
Before I commence a response to your question, I do believe it behooves you to examine whales, which are the largest of all extant fish. Recent shoddy research may hint at an even larger fish, the megaloecanth, which likely became extinct sometime around one hundred million years ago. Needless to say, you won’t be finding megaloecanth batter dipped and deep fried down at the Red Lobster. After all, each of its kidneys was the size of a helicopter.
Dear Montezuma,
Currently, I am interested in two different women. One is, I think, much better suited to my personality and we get along really well. But the other one is way, way hotter. Worst still is that they’re sisters. What should I do?
Rob Godfrey
Pensacola, FL
Robert,
I disagree with your statement that one sister is “way, way” hotter than the other. Unless these were only half-siblings, they should have a near identical genotype and closely related phenotypes, therefore one might be hotter than the other, but could certainly not be “way,” much less “way, way,” hotter than the other. Genetics thus ruled aside, we can say the relative hotness of these women is caused by nurture, not by nature. The other one must actually just be dressing or presenting in a more sexually proactive way, a style laymen refer to a smutty. the answer is simple, just convince the one with a good personality to start dressing like a call girl.
Dear Montezuma,
My airplane is about to crash. Which control opens the flaps?
Martina Damage,
Vestibule, OH
Martina,
So good to hear from you again. On planes manufactured domestically from 1934-2003, the flap control controls the flaps state. On later models or foreign designs, consult your aircraft manufacturer. Give my love to Mitch and the girls.
Dear Montezuma,
So, as most of my friends (including Bobby, Stu and Tommy, also Geoffery, Abigail, Belinda, Mike and Def, and the downtown gang; Marissa, Mandy, Mike and Fred and Blue Face Pete) know I like geography. If it’s called “The United States,” doesn’t visiting one mean that you have visited them all?
Fleming Roatblok
East Prussia, NV
Flemmie, contrary to what today’s mathematically-educated advertisement executives throw into a multitude of commercials, not everything occasions a transitive property. For instance, there is no transitive property of whales. Captain Ahab never shouted to his crew that he needed to get any old whale. Oh no, only the white one would do. Geography is like whales.
Hey Monty,
I was listening to Bach’s “Passacaglia & Fugue in C minor” the other day and I wanted to know if you thought Bach was a showoff for putting the Fugue part in. Also, do you prefer the Ormandy or the Stokowski orchestration?
Brian Brinehold
Neolapatopolis, NJ
B.B. If anyone is attempting to be a showoff in this situation, it is you. You might even have succeeded were you to have made mention of the organ recording made of this work by Michael Murray on the Methuen Organ.
Dear Montezuma,
Why can’t you build a time machine and then go back and make it so that JFK was never assassinated? or you know, kill Hitler before he turned evil or something?
Lucy Hardcore
Burian, TN
Oh, Lucy, there you go again. The reason you cannot build a time machine is that you dropped out of high school in tenth grade, have no knowledge of physics and are as mechanically adept as a robot which has been specifically designed and programmed to not build time machines. The reason scientists cannot invent a time machine is that the amount of energy required to super-cool the magnets is greater than the energy produced by the functional wave generator.
Dear Montezuma,
I was recently in Paris and had a chance to peruse the permanent collection of the Musee de Louvre, which includes, of course, Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa. As I gazed at the rather modest creation behind all that bulletproof glass, a thought occurred to me: big schmeil. Sure it’s a decent painting, but I’ve seen better, arguably even by Leo himself. My question is who, when and why, decided that this was to be the most renowned work of art in the Western world?
Cosgrove Watt
Brooklyn, NY
Costco,
In 1808, the Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte conviened the first international Council d’Arts Internationale, which was attented by such notable artists and intellectuals as Rosber, Nitãn, Le Guardan, Miphon and Thomas Jefferson. Prince Klemens Wenzel von Metternich got so drunk at the opening ball that he stripped off all his clothes and was later found naked in a fountain. It is rumored that later that night, he and several others attempted to play croquet using flamingoes as mallets, in a scene which may have inspired Lewis Carrol to write Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. While many critics may scoff at Alice for being a childish yarn or a drug-induced tale, later critics have recognized it for its rich mathematical imagery. Thus, is it considered the most renowned work of literature in the Western world.
Montezuma’s Helpful Hints for the Automotive Enthusiast
There are many things one should not do with one’s automobile, whether it be of the car, truck, motored-cycle, or irregular variety. An entire class of things, in fact, revolves around sand. For instance, one should not coat one’s transmission in sand. Another bad thing to do is to fill up the seating area of your automobile with sand (because then you couldn’t get in). You may, of course, make colorful sand paintings on the hood of your car, but don’t expect any awards. You’re probably no good at it.
I Can Read Ayn Rand
Elizabethia-based publisher John Galt Junior Books has been in the children’s book business for over 30 years, releasing stories rooted firmly in the philosophy of Ayn Rand. JGJ Books lives by the credo that even the least-productive, least-deserving members of society should be given a chance to fall in love with selfishness. While their entertainment and educational value for children is dubious, an adult could spend hours of fun with these books.
Take one of the imprint’s first releases “Little Atlas & Me.” The book features the publisher’s eponymous hero, John Galt Junior, as the “Little Atlas” of the metaphor, and his hapless companion Joey Looter. John first introduces Joey to the principles of objectivism when he takes Joe’s crayons. While Joey merely eats the implements, John is the class’ best artist (he explains) and so deserves to have the crayons more than the talentless Joey. John also takes a swipe at collectivism by castigating his teacher for providing the crayons for the class rather than forcing them to come up with creative tools on their own recognizance. Just not in so many words.
The most disturbing part is, of course, when the entire class gets together towards the end to help out a classmate’s family in need. The three page Galt soliloquy which follows centres around self-reliance, creativity, and the squelching of compassion. Before long, John takes class-clown Benny Rearden with him on strike under the jungle gym.
A short list of some of JGJ Books’ titles offers further insight:
“Sharing is Evil”
“Do Unto Others (As Much as You Can)”
“Goodnight Communism”
“The Bridge to Personal Freedom of Choice”
“A Parent’s Guide to Teaching Kids About Sex the Rand Way”
In “The Selfish Elf” one of Santa’s elves must save society by forcing the world’s children to work for their Christmas Gifts, in a strange twist on the traditional saving Christmas tale. The Selfish Elf creates his own factory in which to create talent-appropriate toys, thus putting Santa Claus’ factory out of business, saving civilization, and saving Christmas for the productive denizens of the world.
The firm takes us on another wild romp with “The Water Fountain.” Young Howie Roark wants a drinking fountain at the local Mall, but the owners of the property (Randians themselves) refuse to put on there for him. Our courageous Howie works all summer cleaning boats at the marina with his new boat-cleaning invention and eventually raises enough money to purchase his own fountain and lease mall space in which to install it. He plans to refuse to let anyone use the water fountain, but when he arrives after its weekend installation to discover that it has been painted a different colour than he specified, he runs it over with a security golf cart instead.
Of course John Galt Junior Books doesn’t leave out your youngest ones who are just learning how to read. For them the venerable publisher provides stunning titles like “One Rand, Two Rand, Red Rand, Blue Rand,” which was somehow able to evade the estate of Theodor Geisel and accusations of hypocrisy and plagiarism to become one of their best-selling titles ever. The book teaches counting using the remarkably frightening visage of Ms. Rand, words such as “productive achievement” and “mind-independent reality,” and teaches all about social value through the ridicule of the machinists, carpenters, and anyone else who works for others (especially with the hands).
Most startling is the young adult book “Randalaughandahalf” which is ostensibly a joke book for teens. Our favourite rip-tickler from this tome is a standard chicken crossing the road joke whose punchline is “ to acquire further materials with which to construct society’s next great invention.” Another is a standard “Yo Momma” joke which we think might just be a compliment in the Randian universe.
“Yo Momma’s so ugly she’s forced to stay at home and make bolt-application in car productions lines more efficient.” The knock-knock jokes aren’t much better and we won’t repeat them here. We’re sure you can just imagine.
It’s not exactly clear how this publishing house has survived for three decades, or who is buying the books it does sell, but one thing’s for sure: these books suck for children. Everything about Randian Objectivism is faulty if not downright incorrect, and to indoctrinate children (or attempt to do so) with colourful pictures and familiar stories is inexcusable, unless of course you happen to be pure, correct and powerful, in which case the regular rules of children’s publishing don’t apply to you.