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Author Archives: Jeremy Rosen
The Mustache Menace
A Harrowing Look at Mustaches
Across this world of ours a great many people have been taken in by the hypnotizing mustache menace. Little do they realize how dangerous mustaches can be. From the delicately queer handlebar of Salvador Dali, to the little brush muff of Charlie Chaplain, mustaches pose an ever greater threat to human kind each day.
We are quite familiar with the mustachioed villains of the past. Their pictures stand before us in books which feature pictures and as we stare at their horrid visages we cannot help but shudder at the mustachioed monstrosities before us.
There is a serious link between mustaches and evil. This fact cannot be disputed. With the help of special Theoretical Historio-Reconstructionists, we now present you with an alternate history of the world; the history of the world free from mustaches and their vileness. These famous mustachioed rogues have now been replaced by friendlier, clean-shaven versions.
Remember, the next time you see a man with a mustache run away, run quickly and don’t look back lest their facial hair consume you with its wickedness.
The PTA is Evil
A Noted Diatribe by Respected Columnist
Eliza Roark
John Cantor is Welder-in-Residence at the Connecticut Society for Welding. Ms. Cantor has extensive experience in both arc and static welding and also likes men who own their own orange groves.
What on Earth is wrong with the PTA? Every single time I read about the PTA I hear about some new atrocity they’ve committed. For instance, a while back there were the stories, albeit urban legends but stories nonetheless, about how a few members of the PTA lured some wayward boys, gang members, and bicycle enthusiasts to a remote cabin deep in the forgotten Hallmet Woodlands. Once inside the cabin, so the stories go, the PTA members attached electrodes to their victims’ genitals and then proceeded to poke them with heavily sharpened sticks.
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An Exciting Look at Space-Based Combat Opperations
Part XVII: Into the Void!
by Vir Cotto
Most ancient craft, with a few experimental and non-mass-produced exceptions, used an exhaust based propulsion. Although the current ion coil drive is of this same basic principal, the ancient star drives, which relied on emission of charged particles; ions, electrons or light bosons, were far less efficient, rarely being able to propel a craft beyond the velocity of a few thousand miles per minute.
Since all these early drives relied upon a fuel source carried with the craft, their range and maneuverability were dependant upon this limited fuel. Thus extreme maneuvers and erratic evasive techniques were foolhardy, as they would tend to threaten to exhaust the limited fuel supply and leave the craft helplessly headed out toward its last trajectory, unable to make necessary course corrections. Continue reading