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Author Archives: Jeremy Rosen
An Axes & Alleys Travelogue
The Iron Tower: The world-famous Platha State Union Building stands like a sentry over picturesque downtown Plyon, the capital of the State of Platha.
Like Arizona, Platha was the last of the lower continental states to come into being. Yet today it is a respected and feared part of the Union; at once proud, belligerent and striking in its simplicity. The mystery of Platha is a smokescreen which it is difficult to denigmafy, but we shall attempt an explanation here.
Founded by refugees of the Bolshevik Revolution of 1919, Platha joined the Union in 1924. Though the 1926 Supreme Court ruling in the case of Disraeli v. Pumpkin forbid Platha from adopting Russian as its official language (causing state prosecutor general Alexander Pumpkin to resign), the plains of Platha brought hardy parlor pinks in droves to the state capital of Pylon, once home to a Native American fishing factory.
Alexandre Borschtov, the state’s first governor was elected in 1926 and ruled until his death in 1991 owing to Article III of the Platha State Constitution which disallowed term limits for governor. It should be noted, however, that no other Plathan governor has held the office for more than eight months. For the first 52 years of its existence, Platha was unique among the states in its refusal to send a Congressional delegation to Washington to conduct legislative business.
Known by its unofficial nickname, “The Iron State,” Platha has little that is official, save for their state political party, The Platha State Union, and their official newspaper. There is no state slogan, song, bird, insect or flower. Stranger still is the fact that Platha University, in Crustacean, fields not a single intercollegiate sports team, be it in football, rowing or competitive chair stacking. The state flag of Platha is a statuette of a silver, six-winged eagle atop a 37 and a half meter poll.
Mary
The March of Progress: Gregor 2006
Durham, N.C. – Utilizing what they referred to as “an insanely easy procedure” scientists at Duke University’s Department of Aquatic Medicine were able to transform two octopuses into one hectopus and one nonapus, with one semi-intelligent tentacle left over.
The operation, which took over twenty-eight minutes to complete, has completely revolutionized the scientific world’s view on cephalopod development.
“Before I thought cephalopods, y’know, could only have eight or ten tentacles. These dudes, though, they just proved that way wrong,” said UC Berkeley physics professor Joseph Orenstein.
It had been thought that octopuses developed eight tentacles due to evolution. Now it is known that intelligent design can create pusses with as many limbs as our whims desire. Huntington F. Willard, Duke University professor of biology, stated that work would now move forward on the triskadecopus because of the hect- and nonapus successes.
While the fate of the semi-intelligent tentacle is in doubt due to its inability to ingest nutrients, Hansel and Gretel, as the nonapus and hectopus are now known respectively, are adapting to their new tentacle arrangements well and are expected to release a statement as soon as cephalopods learn to speak, write and release statements to the press.
Lies My Father Told Me
Dave Monkees is a famous student of critter-science and dendrochronology.
In one of his creations my father had an Indian character named Two Dogs. Under no circumstances would he ever tell me why the guy was named Two Dogs. When he told others it was always when I had left the room. Often he sent me out of the room on some random errand specifically so he could tell others why someone had the name Two Dogs. Several years later I found out on my own.
Yes, my father never told me that story, but that certainly didn’t prevent him from telling me other stories. Again, it was only later, on my own, that I ever found out that these stories were untrue. That’s right, they were lies my father told me, bold face, horrid lies.
One he told me was about this famous Indian chief who went out hunting early one morning but never came back. His squaw waited patiently for several days and when he didn’t return she set out into the woods to search for him. For weeks and weeks she searched but never found him. Finally she went to the Department of the Interior and begged them to help her. So, the Department of the Interior acquiesced and put up a number of signs across the country imploring motorists to “Watch for Falling Rocks.”
When I was but a youngster, just learning to dress myself, I often showed up at the breakfast table with my clothes inside-out or backwards. My dad was quick to offer a cautionary tale. He told me that once he knew a fellow who didn’t pay attention to his dressing, sometimes he wore things inside-out or more ominously, sometimes he wore them backwards.
One day this careless fellow gets in an automobile accident. It’s horrible; he’s thrown from the car and lands in a heap on the bloody pavement a few feet from the wreckage. The paramedics find him and discover, to their horror, that the force of the impact caused his head to turn all the way around backward. So, in order to save his life they turn his head back the right way. Only, his head wasn’t on backwards, his shirt was. Because his shirt was backwards he died horribly of shattered vertebrae. Thus, you should never wear your clothes backward…lest you die in agony. My father presented this as a true story, yes he did.
My dad spent many years in the military before his honorable discharge. Many stories he told were about his army days. Back in Korea, after patrolling the famous DMZ, my dad’s company returned to base after six weeks on field maneuvers. All the guys in the company were excited because they had been out in the forest for weeks without a change of underwear. Every man jack of them was excited about finally getting a change of underwear. Everyone loves a nice change of underwear, especially after weeks of the same dingy pair. They assemble in the PT area and the company commander comes out and tells them the good news “Soldiers of Alpha Company, I am happy to announce that you will all get a change of underwear.” A general cheer went up through the ranks before the C.O. continued “Okay…Johnson, you change with Adler. Adler, you change with Tompkins. Tompkins, you change with Lewis…”
These things never happened. They’re all lies. My father told me all sorts of stories that were just bold-faced falsities. He was a horrible liar. Once, he even told me I was talented and smart and had amazing potential. What a liar.