Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.
Dearest Sirs or Madams,
I am crafting this correspondence in order that I may articulate my feeling as well as my mental conjecturations on the anomalous and entirely superfluous happenings which have recently begun appearing ever more frequently across this Great Republic.
These events, while both tragic and unrelenting, strike the fancies of the less than neurolomically resourced as amusing or titillating, and can be seen even as initiatory towards the development of animal magnetism in the injudicious.
These circumstances are most dread and I for one suggest that the bureaucrats of our nation’s governmenting bodies endeavor to put an end to these volatile and melificecious reoccurrences.
I would also like to extend my most sincere gratitudations to you, the editorixes of this superb periodical, for allowing me the opportunity to so clearly express my opinions against the torrid and pungent abominations.
Love in Christ,
Hubert Cecil Booth
inventor of the vacuum cleaner
To Whom it May Concern:
I am a professor of Archeology at the University of Tajikistan and have recently uncovered many interesting bits of pottery, many of which unfortunately are cracked and broken. Perhaps with some paste I may be able to mend them.
Love and Regards,
George Maxwell Richards
President of Trinidad and Tobago
Dear Confections Division of Kraft Foods,
Recently I purchased a package of your “Trolli Gummi Candy Sour Brite-Crawlers,” and gave them to my young children to enjoy as a snack. However, I was horrified when my youngest son showed the other children in the carpool the similarity of shape between your candy and the male reproductive anatomy. This similarity is far too close to have come about by pure accident. The candies incorporate both penis and scrotum, in a fashion which is entirely inappropriate for a children’s candy. As a parent, I find this deeply disturbing, and hope that Kraft Foods can rectify this obvious pornographic element within their candy division. The purposeful creation of these filthy penis candies is a black mark on the otherwise delightful variety of Kraft foods which I and my family have enjoyed for many years. I hope that this experience will not sour me against your company and your many fine, family appropriate food stuffs. I would ask that you return my dollar, and take these horrid candies off the shelves of supermarkets so that I can feel safe to shop with my family again.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Hattie W. Caraway
first female U.S. Senator, D-Ark.
To the Editors of Axes and Alleys,
I find your lack of coverage for various beverages unwholesome. Beverages are a great boon to a free society, enabling the functions of government and constituency to take place. When you leave out beverages, you leave out the essence of life.
Don’t you understand that Ferdinand and Isabella sent Columbus’ expedition to the Americas in search of hot cocoa?
Throughout history beverages have made a major contribution to our lives. From cranberry juice to tea to various forms of cola; water, syrupy waters, vodka, rum and gin.
Why, Hiroshima would never have been bombed were it not for hops and barley.
Beverages are often overlooked by everyone who benefits from their great powers. They are tasty, taste good, and have a pleasant taste. They refresh, reanimate and in some cases heal terrible wounds. They send out fleets of ships and various other important things.
In closing, please include more beverages in your pages.
Sincerely,
Rose R. Daisey
World Hovercraft Consortium
