Author Archives: Delores Grunion

The March of Progress: Fabuly 2006

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If you’re anything like me, chances are you get stressed out by the holidays; the shopping, the food, the cleaning, the obligations, the family troubles and the travel. It seems like once a month another holiday comes along to disrupt our lives. Why on New Years and Saint Patrick’s our favorite bars and restaurants jack up the prices and become crowded as all get out, on Valentines you’ve gotta be in love or there’s no point. Halloween means you have to give away your hard earned candy to greedy children. As for Thanksgiving, is it really necessary to cook for ten hours, travel for two days and gorge ourselves on food we never eat at any other time of the year? And don’t even get me started on Christmas.

My plan is simple, so simple that it will and must work. All we do is combine all these obligatory occasions into one day so that they don’t disrupt our schedules for the rest of the year. It will take place the first Saturday after the first full week in May (That’s May 20th, 2006 for the first one). It shall be called “The Amalgamated Holiday #01.”

The rights and rituals of Amalgamated Holiday #01 will be spelled out below and soon you won’t have to worry about redecorating every month or traveling back home every other month, no more confusing algorithms to try and figure out when days fall. Nope, all the inconvenience of the holidays will now be consolidated into one wild day of glory and fun. Here’s how it works:

9:00 am: Get up and put on your costumes. My first Amalgamated Holiday #01 costume is going to be a sexy merchandising associate.

9:30 am: Time to open presents. Also, make sure you hide the egg-shaped matzo. Good luck to the one who finds the Easter-affikomen.

10:00am: Plant a small fir or pine tree. Then trim it; you can decorate it with colorful eggs, green shamrocks, or red-white-and-blue bunting. Put a small figure of the devil on top then throw rocks at it. Whoever knocks the devil off the tree gets to blow out the candles (see next).

11:00 am: Bring out the birthday cake. Put seven candles on top in a straight line. Light the middle one first. Then the others in order until they are all lit. Then blow them out and make a resolution. Yay, now you can eat the yummy cake.

12:00 noon: Call your mother, father and grandparents. Wish them well.
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News of the World: Fabuly 2006

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The normally staid and chaste U.S. Constitution has put on a slinky red dress and is out on the prowl with the recent passage of Amendments XXIX through CCVII. State legislatures, legal scholars and ordinary Americans are still trying to get a peek at The Constitution’s new panties. The nation’s collective pants are tightening at the prospect of this sexy new opportunity.

As unnecessary as g-string underwear, the most drastic of the New Amendments is CII, allowing the discontinuation in the Congressional cafeteria of Yankee Bean soup, a staple on the menu for decades. South Carolina’s congressional delegation, representing the largest provider of Yankee Beans to Congress were understandably dismayed at CII’s passage. Amendment CXIV, among the most sensible Amendments passed, protects the right of all Americans to assemble cyclotron-type particle accelerators in their basements, garages or state approved backyard tool sheds.

The “Hairmendments” (CXXIX through CCVII) only affect the procedural processes for official Presidential hair cuts and limit which styles are acceptable for the President, Cabinet Officials and their staffs. While the shag and bowl cut are right out, the bouffant, pompadour, buzz cut and reverse mullet are in. One much-criticized oversight of the Hairmendments is the ambiguous role of dreadlocks in the Cabinet. Because of this, Elizabethian voters have rejected the set outright.

One potential Amendment (what would be CCVIII) is still awaiting passage by Congress. There is little known about its prospects until Congress returns from Amalgamated Holiday #1 recess, but the feeling in Washington is that the Broccoflower Amendment should pass easily.

Letters: Fabuly 2006

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Written Correspondences from Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read Our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof.

Dear Editors,
Recently there has been a bit of controversy concerning the attack on Pearl Harbor. This dastardly sneak attack by Japanese forces left much of the US surface fleet in tatters. Many have tried to blame Admiral Kimmel or even Roosevelt himself. This is silly. The plain fact of the matter is that, due to the presence of the International Date Line, the Japanese actually attacked on December 8th, 1941, while the US sailors and soldiers were still enjoying December 7th. There’s no possible way the US could have foreseen the attack, since Japan lies on the other side of the date line and thus exists one day in the future. How could the US prepare for or defend against an attack which happened a day before it actually occurred? With the powers of time travel at their disposal, it was easy for the Nips to travel back one day and attack us unawares. The Japanese still have this time travel ability at their disposal, so they must be destroyed, but only by attacking from the West to minimize the destructive power of the International Date Line.
Taisho Agari
Mie, Hokkaido, Japan

My Lords,
The peasants have been without barley for much time and the stores of coarse black bread will not last through winter. What shall they put in the pottage, I ask? Dirt? Methinks not. If they are not prepared for by Your Graces, what shall they consume? Surely they will starve in the coming winter and there shall be no one to work the fields. I suggest slaughtering an older ox and salting the meat to provide for the serfs in the coming colder times.
John the Bald,
Herald of Norwich
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