The normally staid and chaste U.S. Constitution has put on a slinky red dress and is out on the prowl with the recent passage of Amendments XXIX through CCVII. State legislatures, legal scholars and ordinary Americans are still trying to get a peek at The Constitution’s new panties. The nation’s collective pants are tightening at the prospect of this sexy new opportunity.

As unnecessary as g-string underwear, the most drastic of the New Amendments is CII, allowing the discontinuation in the Congressional cafeteria of Yankee Bean soup, a staple on the menu for decades. South Carolina’s congressional delegation, representing the largest provider of Yankee Beans to Congress were understandably dismayed at CII’s passage. Amendment CXIV, among the most sensible Amendments passed, protects the right of all Americans to assemble cyclotron-type particle accelerators in their basements, garages or state approved backyard tool sheds.

The “Hairmendments” (CXXIX through CCVII) only affect the procedural processes for official Presidential hair cuts and limit which styles are acceptable for the President, Cabinet Officials and their staffs. While the shag and bowl cut are right out, the bouffant, pompadour, buzz cut and reverse mullet are in. One much-criticized oversight of the Hairmendments is the ambiguous role of dreadlocks in the Cabinet. Because of this, Elizabethian voters have rejected the set outright.

One potential Amendment (what would be CCVIII) is still awaiting passage by Congress. There is little known about its prospects until Congress returns from Amalgamated Holiday #1 recess, but the feeling in Washington is that the Broccoflower Amendment should pass easily.