Commander in Chimp?

According to the Constitution (of America) the president must be a natural born citizen, at least thirty five years old, and have lived in the United States for at least fourteen years. Mind you, these are the only qualifications stated. Nowhere does the Constitution clearly define what a “person” is. Could the government of the people, by the people and for the people include such people as chimpanzees, dolphins or parrots?

If a citizen has to be a person, then how do you define what a person is? The easiest way to describe a person would be that they are a member of homo sapiens sapiens; they have 46 chromosomes, and can breed successfully with other members of the species. We could add that they have the ability to think, reason and communicate. But, is this too narrow a definition of what a person is? There would seem to be beings who meet many of these criteria who cannot vote and beings who fail to meet some or all of these criteria who can vote.

It is known that chimpanzees share 98% of their DNA with us and that humans are just another great ape. But, at no time in history has suffrage crossed species lines (Caligula’s menagerie notwithstanding). Currently, the only voting standards are that one must be a citizen, aged 18 or older and a member of homo sapiens sapiens. This does not take intelligence into account at all and yet we often separate human and non-human animals by the ability to speak, communicate and reason.

America's Commander-in-Chimp

If a parrot, chimpanzee or dolphin can communicate and shows evidence of reasoning at the level of a human child, why should they be denied suffrage while a retarded human adult with a five-year-old’s mind is granted suffrage? Should they be denied personhood on the basis then of species? They do have different numbers of chromosomes, but then again not all humans have 46 chromosomes. Should we deny the vote to those with Klinefelter’s syndrome? After all, they have 48 chromosomes, the same number as a chimpanzee. But, species is not just chromosome number, actually most scientists would describe a species as an isolated breeding population. Yet those who are sterile or use birth control are not denied the vote.

Mind you, there have non-homo sapiens sapiens who did possess intelligence equal to us. Would a living Neanderthal or Cro Magnon be turned away from the voting booth simply because they do not belong in the exact same species as us? We can define “human” or “personhood” across species lines, so why then do we not define citizen status across species lines? If dolphins can be as intelligent as we are, why are they not granted suffrage that an equally intelligent human or perhaps a non-homo sapiens sapiens Neanderthal would likely be?

There are numerous non-human animals at least as intelligent as below-average humans. Many of these animals can communicate with us in abstract ways, they are self-aware, can use tools and think. Perhaps they are not as intelligent as anyone reading this article, but they are certainly more intelligent than many mentally impaired adults and imbeciles.

Now, another question arises; do non-human animals really understand the issues involved in the elections and in government? Well, they may not, but this is not a requirement of human voters. While there were, at times, literacy tests at the voting booths, currently literacy, and understanding of civics are not required of any human who wishes to exercise her right to vote. As governmental decisions affect human and non-human animals alike, we could in fact say that it is cruel to not grant non-human animals the vote, since laws may affect their very lives. Should they not have a voice?

True, non-human animals do not pay taxes, but are also no paid for the work they do. Plenty of non-human animals have jobs for which they are not compensated, so they can’t actually pay taxes. But this is irrelevant. Despite the popular idea of “no taxation without representation,” we rarely hear the converse “no representation without taxation.” But of course, paying taxes in not a requirement for voting.

The Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution reads:
All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

Historically, the Supreme Court has held that the amendment’s protections extend to such ‘persons’ as Exxon, Google or Sony, which now under U.S. law can be considered persons. Granted, a corporation cannot vote, but this does show that the U.S. government is willing to extend the constitutional person-hood to non-human entities.

So, what is preventing us from extending suffrage to non-human animals? Science recognizes that a human being is a member of genus homo, has 46 chromosomes, thinks, communicates and forms a reproductively capable population with others like it. And yet, voting privileges extend to beings or constructs that violate each and every one of these criteria while conversely denying the vote to beings who do meet quite a few of the criteria.

Why does suffrage work this logically inconsistent and unfair way? It is easy to see that it is our own human bias and species centrism and that discrimination against intelligent non-human animals has no real logical, biological or legal basis. Perhaps one day soon wise up and then we will have a Commander in Chimp.

Birds, Moons, and Screws

A late-Sunday Three Links for you today. In anticipation of my upcoming return to work, I present two things to look at and one very informative article on screws.

Probably a sight familiar to any New Yorker. Bird bullies. Of course we know the little guys sometimes win.

Fanciful photography from Russia: moons. I particularly enjoy the forest scene.

Finally, I found this exhaustive article on screw types. I don’t know about you, but I found it engrossing.

Ask Montezuma: A King of Kings

DON’T FORGET TO SUBMIT YOUR QUESTIONS FOR MONTEZUMA TO ANSWER!

Montezuma
Montezuma is a reformed amateur goatherd and current proponent of soy-based space exploration. His spare time is spent donating heating oil to over three Americans.

Dear Montezuma,
My previous landlord told a prospective landlord that I was a great tenant, but left over $30,000 worth of damage to the apartment. However, he never inspected the place, he gave us back our deposit, and he never took us to court for $30,000 in damages; a sane person would. Right? Now it’s hard to find a place. Can you confirm or deny the rumors that the Aztecs had a use for parallel and perpendicular roads?
Geez Tainush
Sebastopol, CA

My darling Tainush, you silly man, don’t you know that there is no use for such things? At least not if you’re any civilization who can tie its own shoes. If you’re just a 12-hutter, don’t bother.

Dearest Montezuma,
I have a rotary saw, a lemon-scented Armor All™, and a law against nude games of Candyland. What good is a sense of taste anyway?
Maron Quinerie
Paris, France

My good friend Boris: Your letter of the 19th gave me great pause (so many letters do). First, your inclusion of a votive milk shake machine in the third part is ridiculous. That you then went on to state TWELVE times that hamster-powered factories are a regional solution suitable in the Southwest, almost, almost made me put down my pen and lunge vainly in your direction with crass, screeching bloodlust. I only knew of authors 17-53 in your 13,000 entry appendix of notes relevant to the fourth paragraph on page 372. No cart was included with the missive for ease of transport. In all the effort generated a poor grade in my book.

Dear Monty,
My father continues to send me semi-weekly shipments of vests. While I do enjoy owning so many woolen, cotton, leather, vinyl, fur, hemp, and cured catgut vests, it seems they are always two sizes too small. Is there a good way to communicate to my father the size disparity in a way which will let my father know the breadth of the situation?
Bards Blosdail
Fanumactory, WI

Bards, I did some preliminary research on you. I noticed in your online profiles that you’re quite fond of and very proud of your begonia-growing hobby. I despise begonias. Firstly because they’re a rather dull flower, more appropriate for a middle-aged and lonely matron unable to find a companion to validate her existence. Secondly, begonias contribute to global poverty. You see, it has been statistically proven that the more begonias are grown, the fewer irises are grown. Irises, as everyone knows, are the source of the world’s caper supply. So, concomitantly, the more begonias there are, the more scarce become capers. You might think that’s okay, but we know that the entire putanesca pasta-sauce industry is based upon the production of capers. Lower the amount of available capers, and you lower the per-capita consumption of spaghetti putanesca worldwide. With that comes an increase in the anchovie population. We all know where that leads…

Hey Montezuma,
I have an interesting question for you. 35 years ago I was a Jane Fonda impersonator. It was only a part-time gig, but I had the body for it and it was good money. Working a party one night I met a man named Barry Wurtzemborg. I believe he was Swedish. We hit it off and he gave me his card hoping for a night on the town at a later date. Do you think I should have called him?
Rikki Lee
Alhambra, CT

Rikki, it does not pay to play footsie with communists. But apart from that I doubt your story is truthful. Swedes do not carry cards. They communicate their intentions through deceit and intrigue. At the very least you may have been deceived, indicating that perhaps Barry Wurtzemborg was Danish. The Danes enjoy pretending to be Swedish at parties.

Dear Montezuma,
I need a theme song. Looking for something about genetics, heuristics, and a love of volleyball. Was thinking something in a flamenco/black metal vein. Any suggestions?
George Scarborough
Moehash Gennessennehaha, WD

Are you the same George Scarborough who once asked me to sign 70 copies of my book A Life More Ordinary: Questions On Cleaning? I can’t believe it only took me six hours to personalize all of those books. Sorry about ripping the back cover off of a few. Sometimes I get angry when I look at myself. I’m sure you understand how painful self-examination can be.

Montezuma,
I grew a beard because my ex-girlfriend wanted to see what I looked like with one. Well, it grew on me (ha ha!). But now that we’re through, I’m a bit anxious to shave it down and let it grow back in again. I don’t want her to think I got rid of it because of her. Actually, I like it a lot! Do you think men wearing ankle bracelets is gay?
Tim Poppins
West Roanoka, Dry Michigan

Mr. Poppins, performing fellatio on another male in a back alley is gay. Not wearing an anklet, as they are sometimes termed. The terminology arises from the anklet’s invention in Ankele, Turkey, not from the fact that it is worn about the ankle. Some anthropologists believe it was worn as a sign that the bearer owned cotton. One imagines wearing cotton clothing would be a better signal.

Dear Montezuma,
I’m often compelled to punch people when I’m in an elevator. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s their boldly-exposed craniums, or maybe it’s the confined space. At any rate I have a lot of pent-up rage which manifests in quite violent thoughts. I’ve rarely physically assaulted anyone, but would like to increase my numbers as I think I could kick some ass. Any advice?
Jeremy Rosen
Astoria, NY

Dear Jeremy, have you considered engaging in what the kids call “rough sex.” It can be a good outlet for violent thoughts and the libidinous urge.

montys hints
It is imperative that you keep your keys as disorganized as possible. I suggest keeping your front door key three keys away from the next key you use (say the key to your apartment). All of your car keys should come before your mail key except for one, which will go on the other side of the mail key. Make sure you keep the key to the second lock on your apartment door in a back pocket. This will increase the likelihood that you forget it, get locked out of your apartment, and meet the cute girl from upstairs. This is, of course, if you desire to lead an interesting life. If you’re a creature of habit and efficiency you probably should not have read this.