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Monthly Archives: January 2008
News of the World: Maine 2008
Washington D.C.- Beltway insiders are scrambling for information in the wake of President Dick Armstrong’s announcement of Executive Order 314. In a speech before a join session of Congress last Tuesday, the President declared:
“There are a myriad of dangers and incontinences still threatening our great nation. In order to make things better, I am hereby implementing Executive Order 314, which will greatly help us rectify this situation we face and steer us to a more positive outcome in regards to these things I’ve already mentioned.”
When asked about the particulars of the order, Whitehouse Press Secretary Delores Spigot stated only that “…details are irrelevant. You’re not looking at the big picture. C’mon, people.”
While many have speculated on the precise nature of the Executive Order, the text of which has yet to be declassified, a recently leaked, ominous video shows Secret Service personnel loading hundreds of croquet sets into unmarked vans. Some, such as web sleuth Mac Garvey of the www.macattac.com site, have claimed EO314 may be related to reports of bright orange A-10 Warthogs seen circling Omaha and Sheboygan. Other conspiratorial bloggers have claimed to have seen mustachioed men in monks’ robes purchasing large quantities of beach balls and blackberry passion colored lipstick at BestMart locations from Maine to Walla Walla.
Bamco spokesman Chet Hartely said, in a recent press conference “Bamco Inc., the world’s largest manufacturer of inflatable summer products has stepped up production of everyone’s favorite beach-time accessory, but we are still having trouble meeting demand due to the recent high volume purchases made by the mysterious mustachioed monk-men.”
When questioned about the strange occurrences and their possible connection to Executive Order 314, Armstrong told the assembled press corps members:
“We are helping to make America better. That is all you need to know, isn’t it? Trust me, the Order has nothing to do with any of that, especially not the new twelve-sided purple stop signs.”
Letters: Maine 2008
Dear Axes & Alleys,
It has come to my attention that a number of businesses are touting “green” not as an adjective to describe physical appearance, but as an adjective to describe the level to which said product affects the environment. This makes no sense. Plants are green because of chlorophyll. But the environment is made up of more than plants. 70% of the Earth’s surface is blue, and of the remaining 30% only a portion is green. There are white glaciers, brown deserts and mountains and gray rocks. Even many plants are mostly brown, such as the amber, not green, waves of grain. Perhaps the Green Party should change its name to the Gabbgaw Party, since it really represents green, amber, brown, blue, gray and white. This would provide a more honest view of environmental issues. Thus we would not call hybrid gas-electric cars green or say that they are “less green” than solar cars . We would instead say that a solar car was more gabbgaw than a gasoline powered car. We could even go a step further and quantify gabbgaw. I, for one, would love to see a car ad and know that this year’s model features 23% more gabbgaw. It makes sense to me.
Vice President Alfonso “Al” Gore, NL.
Nashville, TN
Dear A&A,
It would be a lot of fun to take a boat ride one day. If I could take a boat ride with any five people living or dead, my choices would be Geoffrey Chaucer, Horatio Nelson, Jesus, Amanda Marble and Moon Unit Zappa.
Tricia McGulley
Harper’s Ferry, WV
To the Editors,
I really don’t understand this religion called Zoroastrianism. Sure, Zorro was an interesting character, I guess, but I don’t think that any amount of swashbuckling swordplay would defeat Angra Mainu and Azhi Dahaka the Dragon King.
Ikpot Thompson
Montreal, Canada
Dear Axes & Alleys,
I once telephoned David Lowery from a pay phone in the South. I can’t divulge how I came across his number, but I didn’t reach him anyway. No, instead I got on the other end of the line his estranged wife. We proceeded to have a six minute conversation about what a jerk he was and also how their apartment had a leaky bath tub. I suggested she use some caulk to fix that up.
Batty Mountbaten
Blimey, NY
A&A,
I was wondering the other day why more people didn’t use the word spangle, except when they talk about the national anthem of the United States of America. Well, it turns out that the national anthem could really use a hyphen. For the longest time I thought it was spangled with something else while the stars were bannering. It’s also kind of redundant. A spangle is a small glittering object. Stars are small glittering objects. They could have just had it be “A Banner” and been done with it.
Clem Hartley
Corso, Portuguese Bavaria
Editors, Axes & Alleys,
Do you think you could make your magazine in the shape of a trapezoid? I think it would be easier to hold.
Jimmy “Five Fingers” Jackson
Pistol Grip, NH
Dear Axes & Alleys,
I really don’t like Sticker Page. Every time I try to cut a sticker out for my own use, I end up ruining yet another laptop screen. I never even get a chance to staple the pages together.
Tom Today
New York, NY
Axes & Alleys,
I have a few suggestions for your magazine. First, I think you should include a section for letters from your readers. Next I think you should report on a big news topic. Maybe something of global import. After that you might want to include a regular report on something technological or scientific. I always like those. A classifieds section would be great so that readers could conduct commerce with one another. Having a page that could be printed out for stickers would be fun for the children and mentally infirm. I would absolutely love a travelogue column and perhaps an advice column written by an historical figure. Various and sundry other articles could be included, too. Ooh! You could even have a front and back cover. I don’t read your magazine, but I thought these would be some pretty awesome suggestions. Let me know.
James Whitmore, Jr.
Sunnydale, CA
Dear Axes & Alleys,
I am writing to complain about your Axes & Alleys brand fluegelhorn valve oil. No one told me it was flammable.
Kerry Absalom
Pinter, WY
Editors,
The Treader Family is deeply disappointed in your discontinuation of the scratch and sniff issue. We recently relocated to the Czech Republic and were enjoying this new way to experience the magazine. The new burn and sniff edition is not a satisfactory replacement.
The Treader Family
Prague, Czech Republic
Dear Axes & Alleys,
When are you going to publish that chicken paprikash
recipe I sent in back in August of 1968?
Wolfgang Puck
Amsterdam, Austria, UK.
Romp Romp Romp
Volume 456-BR8: Issue 11: Maine 2007
Axes & Alleys: We Did What We Could!
Dear Readers,
What you are reading now is not the original month of Maine issue. No, unfortunately the editorial staff spent a wild evening out at the local watering hole and by the end of the evening we were so trashed that we accidentally left the galley proof at the bar. We thought about calling the next day to see if it were still there, or if someone had turned it into the lost and found, but we couldn’t do that because we were too embarrassed about what DJ Trickyfingers did to the dartboard. They’ll probably have to buy a new dartboard.
Instead, we just threw this new version of the issue together at the last moment before the deadline. It’s not as good as the issue should have been, but it’s okay, because we all had a really great time that night.
xxx ooo
Delores R. Grunion
Editor-in-Chief
The Maine Cover Girl: Aimee Echo
Aimee Echo, of theSTART and
the unfortunately-named Human Waste
Project, is a Los Angeles-based person
who has noted the politeness of the
A&A Editorial staff.