The March of Progress: Fabuly 2007

Release of the Picturenary!

picturnary

Every library contains a dictionary, as do many homes and bookshops. And why not? It’s a useful thing, a dictionary, for it lists and defines every last word in the English language. Should you want to know what a word means, how to pronounce it, its category or origin, you need only consult a dictionary. But what about pictures?

Finding information on pictures has always been a difficult task, made perhaps more difficult by the lack of suitable reference materials. This week that all changed as the Movable Type Printing Company announced the publication of the first eight volumes of the long-awaited Picturenary.

Once completed, the multi-volume work will show, with accompanying information and learned commentary, every picture in existence; including photographs, drawings, mosaics, etchings and napkin doodles.

While sought after by several large reference collections, pre-release sales of the Picturenary have been far below expectations. In response to the slow sales, Movable Type Printing announced that they would speed up production; releasing three volumes per year, instead of the two planned.

The currently available eight volumes contain some 43,000 pictures, all of them of aardvarks, the city of Aachen or men named Aaron. By 2012, the Picturenary should move forward into pictures of abacuses and Abbasids. . Photographs of the letter A will be saved for a special series of volumes featuring pictures of words and a series of special volumes have been set aside for abstract art which will include multitudinous interpretations of the work.

Picturenary editor Horvald Tomlinsson was taken aback when asked about the recursive problem of the Picturenary. That is, that for each image shown, a new copy of the image is created requiring another entry in the Picturenary. Tomlinsson responded that perhaps a blue-ribbon panel could study the subject, or the internet could help.

As part of the announcement, Movable Type Printing has requested that all people in the world send in copies of their snap-shots and vacation pictures, especially if they are named Abbey or have recently visited an abbey.


The Sordid History of the Picturenary!

Since the first Cro-Magnon men and women wrecked the cave walls at Lascaux with their graffiti of bison, mankind has dreamed of having a Picturenary. The first attempt to catalogue all known pictures was undertaken in 215 B.C. when Chinese Emperor Chin ordered his artisans to create ceramic miniatures of all known statuary. Unfortunately, Emperor Chin died before the project was completed and it was abandoned during the Great Han Pottery Destruction.

Thousands of miles away and hundreds of years later, the Council of Nicea planned to create a collection of all known pictures of Christ and the Disciples, to act as a companion book to the standardized Bible. This effort was abandoned when the Council of Hippo declared The Pictoriam to be a route to the sinful worship of graven images.

In the early 19th Century, Frenchman Joseph Nicéphore Niépce became the first person ever to successfully compile all known photographs when he placed the first photograph on his desk.

The Picturenary’s only modern antecedent was a DARPA project begun in 1972. The effort relied on creating a miniature black hole in the belief that an object of infinite mass would contain infinite information. Unfortunately the project was found to be missing at least 433 entries after a project scientist looked up a pair of drawings his son had made as a child and found them absent.

It wasn’t until 1998 that an ambitious young editor at Movable Type Printing, a Daniel Bester Inc. company, first began the modern Picturenary, when his collection of pornographic images won the Nobel Prize for Photography Accumulation. And the rest, is history, or more accurately, the rest is current events.

Letters: Fabuly 2007

Dear Axes & Alleys,
While I normally applaud Montezuma’s thoroughly researched and highly informative answers, last month’s issue was way off target. While it is true that Roxie Epoxy is not a robot, it should be noted that her stage body is animatronic and controlled remotely by offstage puppeteers. Half a truth is not the truth. Please keep a closer eye on Monty from now on.
Sincerely,
Dr. Fig Lugnut
California College of Imagineering
Department of Ecomagination
San Bernardino, CA

Dear Sirs and Madames,
Huzzah to Axes & Alleys and its editors for their continual refusal to run ads sponsored by the barrow industry. For far too long, too many magazines have knuckled under pressure from the AWBA; running adds for wheelbarrows and articles that prominently feature barrows of all sorts. Even children can see wheelbarrows. What about the children? I’m glad Axes & Alleys told the AWBA to take a hike.
Dr. Allison Cameron
Jeparsia, NJ

To the Editors,
Why did you have to run that article about ghosts? Thanks to you, now no one believes in ghosts anymore and no one is willing to buy my ghost protection pills. Can’t I earn a living? Please recant your statements.
James Randy
Fort Lauderdale, FL

To Editor Delores Grunion,
Saltwater is an excellent solution.
Tim Fitztorrent
Bishop’s Landing, NY

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Each month I eagerly await the release of the new issue so that I can pore over the classifieds and yet each month I am continually disappointed. Where are the ads by those making available cute Indian punk girls? Real Indians, from India, not American Indians, mind you. I hear that in Orange County you can’t throw a peach without hitting an Indian punk girl. So what’s up with that, huh?
Carl Leonard
Gator Rapids, Utah

To the Editors,
Why can’t there be more suffering in this world? If each person gave just a little each day, we could make this rotten world really unbearable.
Erin Smedly
Slug on the Bun, Chetfordshire, UK

Dear Sirs,
After sending numerous letters, I am appalled that your garden hose is still draped over my fence, its leaking no doubt caused by a loose nozzle on your side. This continual leaking may lead to rot on the lee side of my property. This is utterly unacceptable. So again I ask you to remove the garden hose before I am forced to write a letter to the Council.
Arthur Retrograde
Katharinetowne, WD

Dear Axes & Alleys,
I have attempted to send letters to my friend Kevin for the past three months. After hearing nothing in reply, I double-checked the address I was sending the letters to and discovered that it was actually your publication’s main office mailbox. Please change your address so that Kevin will receive my letters.
Courtney Cabletoes
Dutkiewicz, Humbria, Slovakiland

Dear Editors,
In your article on foods with angry-sounding names, you left out the perfect example: Toaster Tots. Toaster Tots are a wonderful and handy food with a bloodcurdling nom de guerre. Easily portable, all they require is that you set your toaster to a standard #6 setting, pop them in, and depress the slide on the toaster. They’re Toaster Tots!
Tom Shapney Gafter, Vice President
The Toaster Tots Corporation
Bensonhurst, NY

Axes & Alleys,
I lost my copy of Volume 456-BR6, Issue 18. Could you please send me page nine?
Bondy Brumpster
Branch, KL

Dear Axes & Alleys,
I am upset that you don’t do more to protect the planet. For instance, you exist, so of course resources are taken up putting out the magazine. Couldn’t you help the planet more by shutting down?
Alissa White-Gluz
Montreal, Quebec

Hey Editors,
My friend was making a joke the other day and crawled in an oven. He told me to do it, too, but I thought that as a Gypsy homosexual this was a bad idea. Anyways, I thought you’d probably applaud my decision.
Emyil Prskin
Contrary, AL

Introduction: Fabuly 2007

Axes & Alleys: Printed with 100% Boar-Free Inks

highway

Here at Axes & Alleys we receive many letters asking us what we think of transportation. It’s about time we answered and let the world know that we do, in fact, think of transportation. Be it by donkey cart or supertankers, things can be moved from one place to another via the method of transport. Why, even this magazine was transported from our production plant to your local store, thanks, in great part, to transportation. So, truck or train, ship or plane, wagon or duck with small satchels strapped to it, transportation happens and so we’re devoting this issue to all things involving transportation. Do enjoy.

xxx ooo
Delores R. Grunion
Editor-in-Chief

The Fabuly Cover Girl: Alyson Hannigan
Alyson Hannigan
Alyson Hannigan played Evil Willow and Regular Willow on the critically acclaimed televisual program “How I Met Your Mother.”

Fabuly Issue Premier

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