Katie Stalin in the City of Brotherly Love

stalin

If you want to have a ton of fun, then stay away from the bread factory I went to. It’s just ovens and big bowls and stuff, and no, no one told me that a bread factory is just a big kitchen. Like, I have a kitchen at home people. I don’t need to go see one. Sure, they give you free bread, but it was too hot to eat. Gee, thanks a lot.

It smelled pretty good, I guess, but it was still pretty stupid and there are a few crabby
old ladies wearing hair nets. Did you ever notice that hair nets make people look like they’ve got a big mole in their forehead? Me neither. Until I went to a bread factory. Actually, two of those ladies did have big, ugly, hairy moles on their foreheads. I think the hair nets were just to cover them up.

Luckily, there’s lots of other stupid stuff in Philadelphia so I didn’t have to spend my whole trip in a bread factory. During my two days in Philadelphia, I learned a lot. For instance, there’s this supposed rule that says “You broke it, you bought it.” Who even decided that that was gonna be the rule, and since when does it apply to Liberty Hall? See, I went to go see where our Nation (America) was born, so I visited Liberty Hall. Of course, yeah, it’s just a bunch of rooms, albeit with some nice wood panelling. But c’mon, I live in a house with rooms. I don’t need to pay money to see more rooms.

Then, this tour guide (yeah, like that’s a position of authority) tells me that I can’t drink in there. And it wasn’t even like I had a whole bottle, it was just a carton of cranberry juice mixed with vodka that I was sipping from discretely. Discretely! But no, this jerk, who had probably the gayest moustache I’ve ever seen, tries to take it from me. And I’m not about to let this douche take my vodka, and then I kicked his ass sort of. Actually, I got in some really nice blows before we fell over and knocked down a bunch of stuff. Yeah, these security and cops showed up, like it wasmy fault.

And this guy’s all like, you broke my bell. Oh, did I break your precious bell? Who cares about a bell? Well, a bunch of people apparently. They said I broke it, but that’s just wrong because it already had a big crack in the side. And why do you even need a bell still? My phone can make bell noises, but I don’t use that as my ringtone because bells are annoying. Either way, the expense account department at Axes & Alleys is gonna be pissed when they get the bill for that bell. Ah well, that’s why I’m a field reporter, so I can be out of office. That way they can’t yell at me.

I found this neat thing outside after the guards threw me out on my ass (literally!). They have these tricycles that float on the water! It’s the most amazing thing, ever. You just walk up to the guy, pay him some cash, and ride out onto the river. Of course there’s a catch, though. You can’t just go around knocking other tricycles over with that handy pole you found in an alley after coming out of Philadelphia’s most exclusive night club. Oh no! That’s just wrong. And they won’t refund your money.

Now, I’ve gotta go check out the Amazon jungle and see if that’s cool. I hear there are
some temples, and some naked tribesmen, and a group of folks who don’t even have a concept of the past. I bet you can slap them around and get forgiven pretty quick. Sounds exciting though, because it’s in South America, right near Mexico where they invented nachos.

One comment

  • Jane Sparkle
    May 27, 2007 - 9:54 am | Permalink

    Who does this bitch think she is? Shes going to talk trash about Philadelphia? Fuck her.

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