The “Do You Like Rum?” Quiz

1. When eating a sandwich, your toppings include:
a. lettuce, mayo and pumpkin paste.
b. cabbage and pickled marmot meat.
c. ranch dressing and a pancake.
d. smashed grasshoppers and olives.

2. If you could have any mustache, you would have:
a. Hitler’s Charlie Chaplin style.
b. Teddy Roosevelt’s soup strainer.
c. Ned Flanders’ nose neighbor.
d. Charlie Chaplin’s Hitler style.

3. When you finally tell your crush you like him, you:
a. Write a note and discretely pass it to him in English class.
b. Call him with your friends at the slumber party.
c. Ask him to the Sadie Hawkin’s dance.
d. Slip the roofie into your own drink and then see what happens.

4. Your style is:
a. Slim, sexy and dark.
b. Free, earthy.
c. Thrift shop chic.
d. Bulgarian, by way of China.

5. While riding the public transportation system, you:
a: Tend to mutter to yourself about killing McKinley.
b: Stuff squirrels down your pants.
c: Lick strangers.
d: Read quietly while secretly fantasizing about Mikhail Gorbechev. You know, the one where you’re strolling down the Left Bank and you bump into him and begin discussing the possibilities of manned space flight. Then, just as the sun sets, you share a kiss…

6. Given a pair of loafers and a hydroponics kit, you:
a: Grow environmentally sustainable pedial implements.
b: Reenact the battle for Algiers.
c: Travel South America consecrating religious relics.
d: Be a tap-dancing Jesus for All Hallows Eve.

7. Your favorite thing to do in Rome is:
a: Kiss Monica Bellucci’s nipples for hours on end.
b: Kiss Monica Bellucci’s thighs for hours on end.
c: Kiss Monica Bellucci’s luscious lips for hours on end.
d: Walk around with a bundle of sticks and make the trains run on time.

8. The best weapon to strap to your leg is:
a: A dagger.
b: Lemons.
c: Sardine sandwiches.
d: The U.S.S. Iowa.

9. What do you do when confronted with ear mites?
a: Pour gasoline in your ear and light it on fire.
b: Use nose hair trimmers with fishing line as a primitive mite whacker.
c: Pour leeches in there.
d: Make an appointment with an ear, nose and throat doctor.

10. Leaves:
a: Are a gift from God.
b: Interminably cover your lawn in Autumn.
c: Make awesome sounds when you shove them down someone’s throat.
d: Talk to you about your family.

Give yourself 10 points for every A, 15 points for every B, 13 points for every C and subtract 8 points for every D.

Answers: Continue reading

Ask Montezuma

It’s the Anwer Man from Tenochtitlan

Former Aztec Emperor Montezuma II
owns two cats; Scruffles and Tybalt.

Dear Montezuma,
Why is it that earthling is a slang term for lesbians?
Tracy Vacuumhindu
Bataang, Wisconsin

Tracy, the term is most likely due to fact that both the female vagina and Fuller’s earth make one sneeze.

Hi Montezuma,
I’ve owned the same carrying bag for nearly ten years. It’s still serviceable, but looks incredibly dingy. There are some deodorant stains on the strap (which also smells like old sweat), the dye is faded, one buckle is broken, the bottom’s a bit worn, the inside smells and is stained with I don’t know what. Also, if I carry it fully-loaded or with something heavy in it, it hurts my shoulder. After hearing all of this, do you think I should wear it on my right shoulder instead of the left?
Eduardo Rivadavia
Poncetown, EL

Dearest Ed, I think it would behoove you to consider the ineffable memories contained in those stains. Perhaps one is from the leftovers of a particularly fine meal, or the remains of that one chicken that angered you so. Objects can be so full of memories. Why, once I owned an empty bottle of soda which evoked very fond memories.

Dear Montezuma,
Which is larger: the Sun or a baseball?
Phil Plait
Rhonert Park, CA

What’s with the obsession about size? Many things are larger than other things. Then again, many things are smaller than many other things. It’s even true that some things are the same size.

¡Hola Montezuma!
¿Habla Español?
Samantha Lennon
New York, NY

I believe you’re asking me if semaphore is preferable to spritzes of lemon in other people’s eyes. On most occasions this is true, but you must be aware that during solstices occurring in every sixth year, it is considered polite to communicate with a shot of lemon in the eye.

Dear Montezuma,
I desperately want to be Spider-Man. Should I accomplish this goal by interacting with radioactive spoonbills? What about covering myself in fancy hamsters? Will swimming in toxic waste work just as well? Also, the costume: should it be made of wool or burlap?
Chip Taylor
New York, NY

Chip, I would suggest a daily vitamin supplement coupled with a protein shake at lunch and supper. Perhaps that will solve your obesity problem and allow you to take a greater part in society.

Dear Montezuma,
I have a really silly faux pompadour hair style. I’d like to change it, but my barber is very deaf and keeps interpreting everything I say as asking for a faux pompadour. The styling gel is becoming expensive.
Sandy Heflglot
Middle Middle, WD

Mr. Heflglot, there is no known cure for deafness. Fortunately, it has lately been discovered that the application of a sharp object such as an awl to the tympanic membrane of the ear can be an aid in communication. Simply insert the awl into your
barber’s ear and poke out your desired hairstyle in Morse code. Be careful, though, you could get splinters from an improperly waxed awl handle.

Hi Montezuma,
When I have an itch, is it really a small fairy making a nest in my epidermis?
Lothario Johnson, Age 18
Batty, PL

It’s a sad state of affairs, LJ, when the nation’s youth believes as you do. What improper training must you receive in your schooling! Have they not engaged you with biology? Have you not discovered the wonders of physiology through your secondary education? It is all so sad. No, LJ, it is not a fairy making a nest in your epidermis making you itch, it’s a fairy in your dermis making a nest which
causes the itch.

Dear Montezuma,
Recently, I purchased two clocks; one of them is metric and the other is imperial, though both are in pristine condition and painted in a slightly light cobalt blue color with black hands and Arabic numerals. I’m looking for an Inuit metal chick. It’s a bit difficult. Any tips?
Gordo Balvalardorgo
Sao Paolo, Brazil

Unfortunately for you, Gordo, the Inuit never attained the technology of smelting. You see, smelting requires mining, and mining is next to impossible for a stone age society in an Arctic environment. This is why they are stone age, you see. One might even posit that they are bone age, as there are few rocks above the Arctic Circle. In any event, since there is no mining and thus no smelting, the Inuit never developed electronics. It follows that because of this undevelopment, they consequently never came up with the quite obvious invention of the electric guitar. Thus, no Metal, Heavy Metal, Death Metal, Progressive, or other-adjective Metal musics.

Hey Montezuma,
How come I always see Mexican nationalists wearing tee-styled shirts with you on them? If you’d won out, wouldn’t there be few or no Hispanics at all?
Steven Wright
Pituitary, WI

This is absolutely correct. However, I do receive royalties for every such shirt. Unless they are counterfeit. If you see such a counterfeit shirt, please feel free to douse the wearer in an accelerant and alight them.


How to Make Your Own Beef Jerky
Every human being, including miners, jockeys, shortstops and Merriwhether Lewis, enjoys that delectable treat we call beef jerky. No one alive today knows when beef jerky was first invented, though it is most probable that the toughened muscle tissue comestible dates to a time in the early Pleistocene. During that period, hunter-gatherers first hunted, killed, skinned, cleaned and dried a sort of primeval cow into something almost reminiscent of today’s beef jerky. One would guess they used a stone attached to a stick to accomplish the deed, but we may never know as it is difficult for stones to fossilize. The same goes for obsidian which, while quite likely to make for a wonderful spear point, also does not fossilize well. Scienticians have often posited that oak bark, stripped and soaked in water for a day or so, could be used to fasten obsidian to a long stick. If you try this, make sure to strip off the bark and maybe wrap a fern frond or two around the end so you don’t get callouses. Callouses impede the eating of good jerky.

What’s a Telenovela?

When I give you my money / I wanna hear you say what I want you to / And act like you mean it baby / or I won’t believe you.
Telenovela Star – Le Plum Deux

music review

I was not paid to write this review. It might seem that way because it’s glowing, but the truth is I really dig this record and I think you will, too. Now, most local bands I find intriguing see me at virtually every show they perform. Not so Telenovela Star. In the two years of their present incarnation, I’ve seen them twice; once at their debut in the trash can that is the Sibera club’s basement and once this past January at The Delancey, a wonderful club that also just happens to be in a basement.

Four years ago, when you could still enjoy a musical revue and a cigarette at the same time, I caught the previous iteration of the band, Telenovela. At the time the trio was two scruffy dudes on guitar and drums, and a chick with her hair in her face on bass. By the time I grabbed a friend for that Siberia show, two years had passed, they’d tacked “Star” onto their name and dropped the dudes. Here now was Telenovela Star with bassist and vocalist Hanna Klein, Nikkie McLeod beating the skins, and Maggie Argyros on guitar and vocals.

This past January, with a free Saturday in my pocket and braving arctic temperatures, I caught their Delancey show. There, one year after its release and directly from the band I received my first hard copy of their music: The Telenovela Star EP. Since then those tracks have accompanied me everywhere I go. I’ll tell you why.

Their vocal stylings aren’t spectacular and they’re not a flashy ensemble with themed outfits at every show or musicians who spout some bullshit concept when asked about their music. But, Telenovela Star is the epitome of “band.” Each member is a talent in their own right. No, they’re not virtuosi, but they are incredibly good. Few groups, live or recorded, possess their ability to play together, to sound like one instrument with purpose.

At the same time, their songwriting and musicality enable them to showcase one another individually. They’ll give the guitar space in one song, or emphasize the bass-percussion unit in another, or blend the instruments and vocals in such a way as to highlight the best of each. In many ways, each woman as an instrumentalist takes the styles of music prevalent around them and carries those styles forward in startling directions.

Often current guitarists are boring and uninventive. With this beautiful modern history of amazing players to learn from, you still don’t often hear great melodies or a good riff. Modern rockers present neither adaptation nor ornamentation. If you want to go local and find out for yourself, just search the rock section of MySpace, or turn to your favourite major music outlet and listen to what’s popular. It’s pathetic.

Maggie is none of these things, plus she’s from my own neighbourhood of Astoria. It’s sad that technical ability would be something notable merely for its presence, but I find it truly impressive. She’s not flashy, but her style is perfect both in and out of the context of the band. Her full-on guitar lines are hard and always to the point. And another thing: distortion. She doesn’t overdo it, she does it just right. I love distortion done just right.

telenovela star

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