Ask Montezuma

It’s the Anwer Man from Tenochtitlan

Former Aztec Emperor Montezuma II
owns two cats; Scruffles and Tybalt.

Dear Montezuma,
Why is it that earthling is a slang term for lesbians?
Tracy Vacuumhindu
Bataang, Wisconsin

Tracy, the term is most likely due to fact that both the female vagina and Fuller’s earth make one sneeze.

Hi Montezuma,
I’ve owned the same carrying bag for nearly ten years. It’s still serviceable, but looks incredibly dingy. There are some deodorant stains on the strap (which also smells like old sweat), the dye is faded, one buckle is broken, the bottom’s a bit worn, the inside smells and is stained with I don’t know what. Also, if I carry it fully-loaded or with something heavy in it, it hurts my shoulder. After hearing all of this, do you think I should wear it on my right shoulder instead of the left?
Eduardo Rivadavia
Poncetown, EL

Dearest Ed, I think it would behoove you to consider the ineffable memories contained in those stains. Perhaps one is from the leftovers of a particularly fine meal, or the remains of that one chicken that angered you so. Objects can be so full of memories. Why, once I owned an empty bottle of soda which evoked very fond memories.

Dear Montezuma,
Which is larger: the Sun or a baseball?
Phil Plait
Rhonert Park, CA

What’s with the obsession about size? Many things are larger than other things. Then again, many things are smaller than many other things. It’s even true that some things are the same size.

¡Hola Montezuma!
¿Habla Español?
Samantha Lennon
New York, NY

I believe you’re asking me if semaphore is preferable to spritzes of lemon in other people’s eyes. On most occasions this is true, but you must be aware that during solstices occurring in every sixth year, it is considered polite to communicate with a shot of lemon in the eye.

Dear Montezuma,
I desperately want to be Spider-Man. Should I accomplish this goal by interacting with radioactive spoonbills? What about covering myself in fancy hamsters? Will swimming in toxic waste work just as well? Also, the costume: should it be made of wool or burlap?
Chip Taylor
New York, NY

Chip, I would suggest a daily vitamin supplement coupled with a protein shake at lunch and supper. Perhaps that will solve your obesity problem and allow you to take a greater part in society.

Dear Montezuma,
I have a really silly faux pompadour hair style. I’d like to change it, but my barber is very deaf and keeps interpreting everything I say as asking for a faux pompadour. The styling gel is becoming expensive.
Sandy Heflglot
Middle Middle, WD

Mr. Heflglot, there is no known cure for deafness. Fortunately, it has lately been discovered that the application of a sharp object such as an awl to the tympanic membrane of the ear can be an aid in communication. Simply insert the awl into your
barber’s ear and poke out your desired hairstyle in Morse code. Be careful, though, you could get splinters from an improperly waxed awl handle.

Hi Montezuma,
When I have an itch, is it really a small fairy making a nest in my epidermis?
Lothario Johnson, Age 18
Batty, PL

It’s a sad state of affairs, LJ, when the nation’s youth believes as you do. What improper training must you receive in your schooling! Have they not engaged you with biology? Have you not discovered the wonders of physiology through your secondary education? It is all so sad. No, LJ, it is not a fairy making a nest in your epidermis making you itch, it’s a fairy in your dermis making a nest which
causes the itch.

Dear Montezuma,
Recently, I purchased two clocks; one of them is metric and the other is imperial, though both are in pristine condition and painted in a slightly light cobalt blue color with black hands and Arabic numerals. I’m looking for an Inuit metal chick. It’s a bit difficult. Any tips?
Gordo Balvalardorgo
Sao Paolo, Brazil

Unfortunately for you, Gordo, the Inuit never attained the technology of smelting. You see, smelting requires mining, and mining is next to impossible for a stone age society in an Arctic environment. This is why they are stone age, you see. One might even posit that they are bone age, as there are few rocks above the Arctic Circle. In any event, since there is no mining and thus no smelting, the Inuit never developed electronics. It follows that because of this undevelopment, they consequently never came up with the quite obvious invention of the electric guitar. Thus, no Metal, Heavy Metal, Death Metal, Progressive, or other-adjective Metal musics.

Hey Montezuma,
How come I always see Mexican nationalists wearing tee-styled shirts with you on them? If you’d won out, wouldn’t there be few or no Hispanics at all?
Steven Wright
Pituitary, WI

This is absolutely correct. However, I do receive royalties for every such shirt. Unless they are counterfeit. If you see such a counterfeit shirt, please feel free to douse the wearer in an accelerant and alight them.


How to Make Your Own Beef Jerky
Every human being, including miners, jockeys, shortstops and Merriwhether Lewis, enjoys that delectable treat we call beef jerky. No one alive today knows when beef jerky was first invented, though it is most probable that the toughened muscle tissue comestible dates to a time in the early Pleistocene. During that period, hunter-gatherers first hunted, killed, skinned, cleaned and dried a sort of primeval cow into something almost reminiscent of today’s beef jerky. One would guess they used a stone attached to a stick to accomplish the deed, but we may never know as it is difficult for stones to fossilize. The same goes for obsidian which, while quite likely to make for a wonderful spear point, also does not fossilize well. Scienticians have often posited that oak bark, stripped and soaked in water for a day or so, could be used to fasten obsidian to a long stick. If you try this, make sure to strip off the bark and maybe wrap a fern frond or two around the end so you don’t get callouses. Callouses impede the eating of good jerky.

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