Yes, it is a Bridge.
Reply
Monthly Archives: November 2006
Somebody’s Miracle: On the Subject of Liz Phair
Back in high school, I knew of Liz Phair and I knew of her music but back in high school I was a young and foolish boy; one who wasn’t particularly interested in hearing the opening shots of post-feminist rock fired across the bow of the ship of the dying 80s music scene. It would take another few years before a girlfriend of mine formally introduced me to Exile in Guyville; which was one of about twenty CDs that she owned. Eventually, owing at least in part to a 1000 mile solo drive I took, that album grew on me and stuck like a barnacle.
What is it about Liz Phair? She’s not as sultry as Shirley Manson, not as rambunctious as Gwen Stefani, not as sullen as Fiona Apple and not as black as Missy Elliot. When I sat down to compile a mix of the seminal songs by the twenty most important women in rock history, I eventually had to abandon the project; it was impossible because in such a compilation Liz Phair would require a disc all her own. In a word, Liz Phair is amazing. Essentially, this status of amazing is bestowed due to three distinct concepts Liz Phair embodies in a manner that one else ever could.
For one thing, it was Liz Phair who first made me realize that girls, even women, could really be interested in sex. Remember that I discovered Liz Phair’s music when I was a stupid teenager. Back then sex was more like a war; it involved a constant battle and girls were well defended in their indestructible bunkers of pure defense. Back then, every girl seemed to be saving herself for something or other. The plain fact was that they were all around fifteen or so, which with 20/20 hindsight I must say is way too young for sex. But still, we boys wanted what we wanted. And then, there was Liz Phair. There she was saying it blatantly in her songs. She wanted sex, she fantasized about sex, she actually enjoyed sex. It was a revelation. Women could be just as crazed as men. Now, looking back, as I sometimes do, I realize that Ms. Phair was in fact creating a character that would allow her to break out of her naturally shy shell. That didn’t matter when I was seventeen. Sometimes it doesn’t matter now.
The March of Progress: Springtober 2006
Space Flats, FL– Scenticians at the National Aerospace Science Association (NASA) announced the discovery of the Solar System’s third planet; still officially known as ISB0306A. The third planet is actually one-half of a binary planet system which it shares with a smaller, less-interesting, crater-covered body. Located exactly one AU from the Sun, ISB0306A is the fifth largest body in the Solar System and by far the most dense. Most remarkably, ISB0306A, situated between the orbits of Mars and Venus, inhabits what is known as the “goldilocks zone,” named for the goldilocks groundhog, which is also warm and hospitable.
Though the atmosphere is composed primarily of nitrogen, a large amount of free oxygen is also present. This has excited Astronomers who speculate that ISB0306A most likely has surface conditions ideal for life. This is indeed remarkable considering that the silicate-heavy planet is still violently tectonically active.
“Yes, this planet has rivers of molten rock, but it also has vast oceans of liquid water; in fact the amount of O2 there strongly hints that we may be looking at a planet with abundant life,” stated NASA project leader Kilroy Addams.
ISB0306A’s strong magnetic field seems to indicate a highly active iron core; only Jupiter has a stronger magnetic field. By far the strangest anomaly is the presence of what have been dubbed “fireflies.” The fireflies appear only on the night side of the planet; they are large splotches of sparkling light that may be caused by radioactive rocks, volcanism or even large colonies of bioluminescent life.
“ISB0306A is probably the most interesting body we’ve yet discovered in the Solar System. If there is life anywhere around the Sun, we’re most likely going to find it there. We have years of study ahead, and they look to be exciting ones.” Possible names for ISB0306A have already been proposed and include the Greek Geo, the Latin Terra or the Old English Earth.
News of the World: Springtober 2006
Willinoisopolis, WL– With little fanfare and a bit of trepidation, many residents of Iowa (IA), Missouri (MO) and Nebraska (NE) woke up today as proud Willinoisans (WN). Temporarily dubbed the “Round State,” Willinois is the first completely circular state of the Union, and the second state to be created out of three other states.
Unfortunately the construction of the new capital city, Contumacious, is lagging several weeks behind schedule as the delivery of 3600 cobalt-plated crow statuettes has yet to arrive from Cobalt, Ontario. The crow was the only state symbol agreed upon during Willinois’ raucous constitutional convention last Spring.
One statuette is to be placed in front of the working residence of each of Willinois’ representatives to the state’s Althing. This hold up has caused problems because, due to some behind the scenes horse-trading, it was mandated in the state constitution that construction of Contumacious’ sewage system and police headquarters could not commence until the crows were put in place.
Due to the delay, statehood day celebrations took place in the town of Rock Point, formerly part of Northwestern Missouri. There had been some anxiety at the unveiling of the new ethnic dance of Willinois, the Funky Silkworm. The dance is loosely based on the jovial and humorous “The Worm” dance so enjoyed by hip hop aficionados for over twenty years. While there is absolutely no real tradition of hip hop in any part of the state, the Funky Silkworm was met with overwhelming approval.
The Willinois’ version of the National Guard, the Willinois Omniprotectional Multivector Patrol, marched proudly in the parade wearing their crisp, recent-issue, armored combat coveralls and adorned with one of the new state’s greatest exports, chameleon polymer body paint. Children enjoyed watching as bits of the soldiers’ bodies appeared and disappeared in the glittering sunlight. Some of the children giggled while others enjoyed ice cream.
Have you tried…
