Dave Monkees is a famous student of critter-science and dendrochronology.

In one of his creations my father had an Indian character named Two Dogs. Under no circumstances would he ever tell me why the guy was named Two Dogs. When he told others it was always when I had left the room. Often he sent me out of the room on some random errand specifically so he could tell others why someone had the name Two Dogs. Several years later I found out on my own.

Yes, my father never told me that story, but that certainly didn’t prevent him from telling me other stories. Again, it was only later, on my own, that I ever found out that these stories were untrue. That’s right, they were lies my father told me, bold face, horrid lies.

One he told me was about this famous Indian chief who went out hunting early one morning but never came back. His squaw waited patiently for several days and when he didn’t return she set out into the woods to search for him. For weeks and weeks she searched but never found him. Finally she went to the Department of the Interior and begged them to help her. So, the Department of the Interior acquiesced and put up a number of signs across the country imploring motorists to “Watch for Falling Rocks.”

When I was but a youngster, just learning to dress myself, I often showed up at the breakfast table with my clothes inside-out or backwards. My dad was quick to offer a cautionary tale. He told me that once he knew a fellow who didn’t pay attention to his dressing, sometimes he wore things inside-out or more ominously, sometimes he wore them backwards.

One day this careless fellow gets in an automobile accident. It’s horrible; he’s thrown from the car and lands in a heap on the bloody pavement a few feet from the wreckage. The paramedics find him and discover, to their horror, that the force of the impact caused his head to turn all the way around backward. So, in order to save his life they turn his head back the right way. Only, his head wasn’t on backwards, his shirt was. Because his shirt was backwards he died horribly of shattered vertebrae. Thus, you should never wear your clothes backward…lest you die in agony. My father presented this as a true story, yes he did.

My dad spent many years in the military before his honorable discharge. Many stories he told were about his army days. Back in Korea, after patrolling the famous DMZ, my dad’s company returned to base after six weeks on field maneuvers. All the guys in the company were excited because they had been out in the forest for weeks without a change of underwear. Every man jack of them was excited about finally getting a change of underwear. Everyone loves a nice change of underwear, especially after weeks of the same dingy pair. They assemble in the PT area and the company commander comes out and tells them the good news “Soldiers of Alpha Company, I am happy to announce that you will all get a change of underwear.” A general cheer went up through the ranks before the C.O. continued “Okay…Johnson, you change with Adler. Adler, you change with Tompkins. Tompkins, you change with Lewis…”

These things never happened. They’re all lies. My father told me all sorts of stories that were just bold-faced falsities. He was a horrible liar. Once, he even told me I was talented and smart and had amazing potential. What a liar.