Adveretisients du Classified

WANTED
One set of b/w photographs of Vorlon nipples. If only I had pictures of Kosh’s nipples! Please help. Robbie, Box 512.

WANTED
At least fifteen layers of facial tissues for use as “insulation.” Call Romaine Street, leave message, do not call from your home phone and do not breathe too heavily into the telephone receiver as you may contaminate it.

WANTED
Nude women for use in sexual coitus. Must be young, attractive and nubile. Will accept any type of women, but Asians preferable. School girl costumes provided. Walter 818-738-0292 Continue reading

-SPECIAL PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT-

The Asteroid Awareness Association

in conjunction with

Rock-Based Americans, Inc.

and at the behest of

The Global Extraction Group

proposes:

Proposition 1898: The Lucy Craft Laney Memorial Disaster Endowment for Asteroid Taxation Health Act

Principal Author: Mary Jains-Bester, Esq. of the AAA.

Preamble
An act to increase the scope of program and funding afforded the Asteroid Community through the 1964 Asteroid Welfare Act. Throughout the Earth’s history, the Asteroid Community has been a powerful bloc of constituents. Strengthening that community strengthens America. Public subsidy of asteroids is vital to ensuring a secure and free America.

Section 1
Let “asteroid” refer to any Rock-based American.
A) Rock-Based Americans located on the surface of the Earth are excluded.

Section 2
Funding for the 1964 Asteroid Welfare Act shall be increased by 15% to be taken from a 1 cent per transaction national sales tax.

Section 3
The Asteroid Welfare Administration (AWA) shall begin a new counseling initiative to inform Rock-based Americans of the services available to them.
A) These counselors shall act under the auspices of the AWA’s career and health counselors office.

Section 4
All Inuit shall be moved, temporarily, to safety parks for their own convenience.

Section 5
This Act shall sunset five years after passage (excluding Section 4).

Section 6
This Act shall take effect 90 days after passage.

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An Editorialogue

“My Many swords”

By the Honorable Mizfy Allen

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Though I have never actually owned a real sword, throughout my life I have managed to make do with several different types of facsimile.

Christmas time was always a good time for swords. The center roll of the wrapping paper made for an excellent light saber. In the days and nights leading up to that most anticipated of holidays, I waged many an imaginary battle. Sometimes, a Dark Lord of the Sith would be faced down and destroyed. On other occasions, I would be the Sith Lord, dispatching Jedis to wherever it is they go upon their dramatic disappearances.

At other times of the year a common yardstick would be employed. Though designed for measurement, these wooden instruments can be substituted for a knight’s broadsword, a samurai katana or a swashbuckler’s cutlass. It would also work for a dervish’s scimitar or a gentleman’s foil, but I hardly ever played Muslim warrior or Victorian duelist. While I suppose a ruler could be a dagger, I found rulers more useful as helicopter props, when utilized with a pencil, or as a catapult, for the launching of small green plastic army men. None of my pitched battles involved daggers. I never played Italian Renaissance aristocrat.

Later, in my teenage years there were wooden practice katana for kendo. They were balanced in the same way a real katana was, but were dull. Still, many a fierce ninja battle or high catwalk Force-penetrated showdown ensued. After these the wooden swords would be chipped or nicked badly. Since then, throughout college and beyond, I have found that wooden dowels often work best.

Three quarter inch PVC pipe has an excellent weight and feel as well as an ability to produce a rich and satisfying sound when parried. PVC pipes, unfortunately, have a tendency to break. Broomsticks have similar properties as dowels, but a length that can make them unwieldy in amateur hands.

A problem endemic to the faux-rapier is the issue of hand-guard, more approaprieately, the lack thereof is the real issue. While actual sword-smiths have produced weapons with all variety of hand-guards, people such as myself have often had entire battles, fierce though they may be, interrupted by the pain of a well placed, sometimes purposeful, whack to the fingers.

Now, I have played around with many real swords and several foils, but the truth of the matter is that people who collect, or even have real swords, tend ot be of the sketchy variety, excluding of course historians, archeologists and serious collectors of martial antiques. I am none of these, I will, for now, refrain from a sword purchase. A yardstick, or meterstick (for the metric-world) will do fine.

Scooter Memories Part I

by Jeremy-Joseph Rosen
jeremy rosen
Jeremy-Joseph Rosen is an author, ingenue, rabble-rouser and roust-a-bout.

Scooter’s first memory of Friday was being in the Kalisotta Koffee Klatch. He had picked up a huge coffee, black, and proceeded to talk to the register girl. She was pretty, intelligent and coquettishly flipped her long black hair every time he was there. As Scooter had just woken up, the conversation consisted entirely of an inarticulate moan and, if he was remembering correctly, a tiny amount of drool.

This was the entirety of every interaction Scooter and the Register Girl had ever had. She seemed to take in Scooter’s befuddled responses with the clinical posture of a doctor and the bemused twinkle of a flirt.

He never could quite get the hang of talking to the register girl, perhaps because didn’t even know her name. Talking about her involved a lot of references to “Register Girl” or “that chick at the KKK.” This last often confused people. Continue reading