Monthly Archives: August 2004

Poetry from the Master

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H.G. Peterson is a world-wide literary phenomenon
as well as being inventor of the extra-super collider.

Inundation of Shame, Part I

There are a dozen little building bricks
For of quarks and leptons there are each six
Quarks come in their flavors, there are three pairs
Up-Down, Strange-Charmed, and Top-Bottom are there
Now the six leptons you have in this batch
Each has a neutrino type that they match
The electron, muon, tau are the three
These with their partners all six leptons be

There’s a group like these with opposite charge
Though their numbers are not very large
These are the antiparticles, you see
They do not make up things like you and me
But when matter and anti-matter meet
They blow up each other which is quite neat
There may also be sparticles somewhere
That’s not proven so you don’t need to care

That’s what makes up matter, like dogs and suns
They are called fermions isn’t that fun?

Inundation of Shame, Part II

Matter alone doesn’t the cosmos comprise
There’s energy too, in four-forcéd guise
Electromagnetism is a force
And gravity is also one of course
Two nuclear forces, the strong and weak
Round out the four forces of which we speak
Yet perhaps they are all one and the same
If one figures that out, they’ll get much fame

You know forces come from particles too
Ws, Z, and eight gluons that glue
Photons make up light, we can’t leave them out
So that there are twelve, or so there about
These particles can pop in from nowhere
And disappear again, without a care
Larger they are, the less time they are here
Stronger forces only work when they’re near

These force particles, bosons they are known
Make the sun shine and spin like a cyclone

Interesting Bits for Learned Gentlemen

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Rommel Best Looking WWII Leader

At their annual summit last month, the Ancient Guild of World Historians released new findings which indicated that German Field Marshal Erwin “The Desert Fox” Rommel was by far the most handsome military leader of the Second World War.

Not only, the Historians say, was Rommel tall, strong and striking in his full Field Marshal uniform, but he had the piercing eyes of a poet; at once soulful and powerful. Other parts of the release referred to the Marshal as “dreamy, keen and stoic in very cool way.” Although Rommel was unable to defeat Patton and Montgomery in North Africa nor overcome the Allies in the Battle of the Bulge, he looked so beautiful when the sunlight hit his long eyelashes, giving them a glittery appearance. Also noted were his well built arms, strong legs and firm buttocks, all well accentuated by the crisp lines of his always well maintained and resplendent uniform.

Historian (Second Order of the Griffin) Doctor Hubert Van Tuyll stated “Many of the generals of World War II were down right homely; Montgomery was a skinny little man with a big nose and beady eyes, while Omar Bradley just looked like a potato with glasses. Without a doubt, Rommel is by far the most handsome of the lot.”

American General and future president Eisenhower was generally given second place, although historians were quick to note that his was a more boyish look, while Rommel had a much more manly handsomeness. The Historians did note, however, that most of the leaders of the Second World War were older, often grizzled men, the really attractive people during that time were the young soldiers; ruddy and tanned barrel-chested young lads fresh from muscle-building farm labor and crisp and striking in their new uniforms.

General Ranking:

Most Handsome:
Erwin Rommel (Germany)
Dwight David Eisenhower (United States)
Ozawa Jisaburo (Japan)
Douglas MacArthur (United States)
Georgi Zhukov (Soviet Union)

Least Handsome:
Omar Bradley (United States)
Benito Mussilini (Italy)
Nikita Kruschev (Soviet Union)
Henrich Himmler (Germany)
Charles De Gaulle (France)

Letters: August 2004

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Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.

To The Esteeméd Editors,
In June’s issue (Vol. 456-br7, Issue 04), you carried an advertisement for H.B. Industrial Systems’ “Imagine” line of products. I am concerned that you might be misleading your readers by the inclusion of this marketing ploy. “Imagine Time,” one of the background lines of the image is a dangerous thing to say. You see, time is not part of the imagination, but a constant of our Universe (I’m not sure about other Universes, but they’re pretty much on their own lookout, aren’t they?). Do you realize the many lives that have been ruined by this capitalist plea? Doctor’s appointments missed, aeroplanes launched at the wrong moment, scientific timetables ruined and all experimental data void, leaving one at the cruel ignominy of peers and colleagues who ridicule at the university dining hall tables usually reserved for one, but now no seat is to be found as they laugh and laugh (this was my particular predicament). All because one sits comfortably, or stands, or lays awkwardly astride the couch “imagining time.” Keep such considerations in mind the next time Axes & Alleys is accepting advertising money.
Regards,
Walton Shuffle, Ph.D

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Do you remember the time we lay in the grass, enjoying the interplay of light and shadow from tree and cloud? Do you remember how I gently opened you beneath the grand oak on the hill, stroking your luxuriant pages with my verdant eyes? I didn’t think so. However, in the future, remember this: the attentions of a scorned reader past come back ten fold in future retribution.
Yours truly,
Joe Lapinski, Ret.

Dear Ms. Grunion,
I would like to thank you for the wonderful History of Tractors article (Issue 24). That was perhaps the foremost writing of the subject I’ve seen in two years. I once had a tractor and would very much like to have one again, therefore the entire issue, returning to the Roots of Axes & Alleys was quite a boon for me when I saw it in the gutter last Thursday. Someday, I too will be a tractor pilot and I will have you to thank.
With Effulgence,
Morty

Dear Sirs,
We were always destined to see this sad day. Set aside the cost of victory and the anguish of defeat; we’re going to wind up with a renamed overpass everyone hates. Our town is more divided than ever over this issue, especially since the overpass cuts through the geographic center of town.
Overpasses have a way of not traveling the expected route. Not a one of us who desired to see our overpass renamed in honor of this city’s longest-serving alderman, Chet “Hoe Boy” Addison, is happy with the result.
Nor, I’m sure, are the proponents for the winning name, that in “honor” of God almighty. You see, I was traversing the overpass, when I noticed that all the signage upon, around and pointing to the overpass had it listed as the “Godd Overpass.” It seems there will ever be more conflict as it is now impossible to change the name.
Sincerely,
William C. Stosine
Belfry Nave, IW

Dear Ladies and Gentleman,
It bothers me that you continually ignore the Gods throughout this publication. To you, I suppose, it is all just science, facts, figures and bunson burners. Does science bring you the weather? Huh? No, it is Neptune. Does science strike you dead with lightning bolts? No, that’s Jupiter that does that. And who do you think brings us wine? Science? Think again, people. That would be Bacchus. Remember that from now on please.
Ajax Muhammad.

Volume 456-BR7: Issue 6

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cover9

Axes & Alleys : Riding the Tricycle of Freedom All the Way Home!

Dear Readers,
This issue of your beloved Axes & Alleys is lovingly dedicated to the Children of the Eighties. Truly you have made pop-culture your own. Yours is Star Wars, yours is Charles in Charge , yours is The Smurfs , Punky Brewster , Saved by the Bell and everything in between. Our blessings unto you, oh noble ones.